O2 broken hearts, if you can believe it

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
O2 broken hearts, if you can believe it
5
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 4:40pm
I posted something similar to this on a different message board and got negative feedback and no-one agreed with me. I recently filed for divorce.....this is the story, when I met my husband 13 years ago I had 2 small children and i told him on our first date it was me and my kids- one package deal. he agreed and even cared/loved my kids. we went on to having 3 more kids and all was well till recently. My older kids hit puberty and having some problems, eventually he kicked them out of the house. I went with them (we've been gone several weeks now) and I cant love someone who doesnt love my kids, simple as that. we are going back and forth with the divorce thing - wait awhile and then proceed then wait awhile and proceed in the hopes of resolving our problems (but never really resolving anything) In the meantime I met someone else who I love spending time with and we had lots of fun, but he recently told me he wasnt interested in a relationship. It hurt and now I feel like I have 2 broken hearts. what do you all think about this wierd situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 5:35pm
I think you were looking for the second relationship to 'save' you from your current situation and heal all your emotional wounds. It doesn't work that way. You haven't resolved things in your marriage and those issues will continue to follow you around until they are resolved. What are you doing to help yourself?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 9:27am
I am trying to make a decision on what to do with my marriage, I think perhaps a divorce would be the best thing and you are right about trying to find someone else to step in and help me heal my sad heart, its like i was looking for someone else to replace my husband so I wouldnt have to be alone. As for what I am doing right now to help myself.....well essentially I am taking it one day at a time, i think I am afraid to be alone and thats why i am searching for someone else right away. this other fella I have been spending time with was so understanding and very kind, but i think he too thinks its wrong at his point. I need to make that final decision and stick with it, I have been sick/heart broken and not taking very good care of myself. I am thinking I need therapy but with my schedule I have a hard time fitting it in and I guess I'm afraid to deal with my problems right now. it too painful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 12:03pm
The pain does go away, but not if you ignore it. I think if you ignore it, it will get bigger and louder to get your attention. Find time to gift yourself an hour of therapy a week - because you deserve it.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 3:35pm

Hi minodee, welcome to the board.

I guess my first reaction to your post is what could be going on with your kids that is so bad that you and your husband can't work them out as a team? I know teenagers can get into all kinds of trouble, but I don't think kicking them out is a solution unless you have tried everything else.

I realize that you and your two kids are a package deal, but what about your three other children? It doesn't seem fair that because their brother/sister is acting up that they should grow up without a mother in the house. I guess I'm just not sure what the real problem is here... is the problem that you have two teenage kids that have been acting out, or is it that you no longer feel as though you love your husband (or maybe you never did)? If the problem is with your kids, then why are you abandoning your relationship and your other kids? If the problem is your relationship, have you considered couples counseling to work on that?

Obviously I don't know the details of your situation, but I get the feeling a divorce is premature. From your post I get the feeling that both you and your husband are stalling because you don't really want to let go. Maybe you should try family counseling to see if you can save your relationship and your family?

As for the other guy, I think iwinflame is right, you can't just jump into another relationship expecting that to take away your pain. The only way the pain is going to go away is if you really grieve the loss and take the time to heal properly. Unfortunately, there just is no quick way to eliminate the heartache that comes with a breakup, no matter how big or small it is.

Anyway, that's just my two cents, keep us posted.

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 9:52am
I soo appreciate your insight as I haven't really had anyone to talk to about this as I am a pretty private gal. where shall I start, well my son who is 19 has never really gotten along with my husband and right now he has a drinking problem, which led to a confrontation w/ my husband who then asked him to leave. My girl has mental health problems/suicide attempt. It got to the point where my husband couldnt handle the stress it caused the family. So they both were asked to leave and rather than throwing them out on the street i went with them. I have not abandoned my little ones as I do spend a couple days a week with them. I go back and forth from one household to the other. trying to do the best I know how. Im not sure right now about family counseling as we are such a large family and trying to get all of us together for session wouldnt really work as the older kids are bitter. I am in limbo right now and i thought if I started dating another fella - that would finally push us to a point on making the final decision of divorce. Of course i am not doing it behind my husbands back as I told him I am lonely and needed someone in my life to help me thru this hard time since he wasnt able to be there for me. he understood. as for grieving it has been several months since all this has happened and perhaps its time for me to just move on. weve been hashing this out for years and nothing has been resolved. the thing that makes me sad is that my husband raised my older kids since they were toddlers, so he has some blame in how they turned out as teens (not just my fault) . so what advice could you give me, after considering what i have written?