obcessive need to call

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
obcessive need to call
8
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 4:13pm
I am a freaking psycho. I can't stop my obcessive need to call the guy who treated me like crap. I've actually only called once in two weeks, but when will i stop the crazy urge? Right now, I am so fighting the urge, but I got on here instead.
I have read "Why men like Bitches" and "He's just not that into you."
I do agree, but I can't help how I feel.
Basically, I DO want to know why I was rejected. I have good self esteem, I LIKE me, I just want to know why he doesn't.
I keep playing games with myself, thinking that if I don't call and pull away, he'll come closer. Do you think that will happen? or do you think most men just disappear forever.
I want to fix whatever I did wrong, so that I can feel like I didn't do anything to get myslef rejected.
Anyway, my question is, how many of you struggle with the urge to call him and how many actually follow the advice of all those relationship books and resist calling.
Also, does anyone think these men could come back into our lives if we just "let it go" and pull away?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 4:36pm

Hi,

Boy do I relate to your post. I have been plagued by this urge at the end of many relationships. Oddly, my most compulsive urges came at the end of a relationship w/ a man who treated me worse than anyone else ever had. I thought I was losing my mind. I hated myself b/c I could not seem to control the urge - like I was saying to him "go ahead, kick me in the gut again." When I reached the guy, he was cruel and abusive and mocking to me. It was AWFUL.

I got thru it as best I could. I spent time with my parents, who were supportive (I'm not young - late 30s), went to Al-Anon, even though I don't have any alcohol issues, just to be w/ supportive people and work on "letting go." Read a lot. Started seeing another guy. Saw a therapist. Tried antidepressants. It's very hard. Used index cards to remind me of the guy's faults and cruelty. Gradually I pulled thru it.

No matter what we do, we cannot control another person's behavior. If someone doesn't want to be with us, we can only move on. Know that you can be a queen to another man, don't settle for bad treatment or rejection.

good luck
know you are not alone and this is an extremely common thing women (and men too) go through at end of a relationship
take care
scorp

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 5:23pm

While you are correct in stating that you can't help how you feel, you CAN control what you do in response to those feelings. That choice is what comes into play when you're getting over a r'ship. You make the choice to not call, because you know it's bad for you, and you stick to it. That's not to say that it's easy...it's not, by any means. But it is possible, and yes, I've done it. And good for you for only calling once in two weeks! It *will* get easier in time.

I have to disagree slightly with your self-esteem comment. I think that truly good self-esteem would mean that you wouldn't really be concerned with why he rejected you...you'd just accept that the two of you weren't right for each other, and that doesn't mean that anything about you is bad or wrong...it just means you're not right for HIM.

I have found that many men do come back...but usually it's been after enough time has passed that I've accepted they weren't right for me and have moved on!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 6:38pm

I relate. I will say that my ex and I had a bit of an "on again" thing after a major breakup earlier this year. We'd been seeing each other again for about a month, when my dog died, totally unexpectedly, right in my room during the night. I was incredibly upset, she was my first dog, and she'd been with me through my divorce and the two (?!) big breakups with this recent ex. She was my constant companion, and she hadn't even been ill (undiagnosed tumor on her heart, as it turns out). I called my "on again" guy, sobbing, and tried to talk with him about how I felt. After that, I never heard from him again. At first, I thought he was busy - I mean, what kind of guy just disappears without a word after 2 1/2 years together and while you're grieving for your dog? I guess my kind of guy. I have never heard from him since mid-October. In the week following my dog's death, I left a couple of unreturned phone messages (didn't get that he was deliberately ignoring me).

Here's the thing - I haven't called. I posted on another board here about my obsession with the mystery of it all - I have no idea what happened. I guess I presume that my emotional need was just too much for him, our prior breakup came when he couldn't be bothered to go to the hospital with me when I had cancer (at least *I* ended it that time). The other thing is that I never got around to deleting him from my messenger contacts list, so a week ago I logged on to check my email, got a popup that he was online, and then he immediately jumped offline. Nice, huh? I still have no idea. Maybe he was operating on false information - I planned a memorial service for my dog with my ex-husband, we'd gotten the dog together and had "shared custody" of her, so he was spending time at my house. Was it all a misunderstanding?

But, here's the thing - I'd never in a million years want to spend another moment of my life with a 31 year old moron whose first action is to run away rather than, say, TALK about whatever the problem is. I'd never want to spend another moment of my precious life obsessing about what "drove away" someone who had so little respect for me he couldn't even be bothered to tell me he was going, and why.

So, I'm not sure if it helps, but we all struggle with the impulse to call and get an "answer" (though less so with time, it begins to feel like more of an obstacle to call him, because it's so strange and it's been so long). We all wonder "what happened" to a greater or lesser extent. Even when I left my ex earlier this year over the cancer thing, I wondered, not "what happened," but "why" did it happen, what had I missed in his personality, what did I do to cause him to do it, blah blah blah. I don't have answers to that "why." Or, at least, he never gave me any. I don't care about that. I do believe I'm great, a fabulous catch, and he never deserved me. I don't care what his reasons were, because I'd never want him back. If there was something I did "wrong" to drive away an immature idiot who never talked about or tried to resolve the problem and instead just disappeared, then I'm GLAD I did it, I don't want to change it. Maybe that's the way to think of it - you "drove away" an incompatible partner, why would you want to change to attract another incompatible partner. Unless you've got some sort of addiction or serious behavioral problem, you don't need to change, Mr. Right is the guy who loves you as is. Good luck with resisting the urge to play detective. Try reading "Don't Call That Man."

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2004
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 8:40pm

Wow I am going through this along with you. If you figure it out let me know. My girlfriend of 7 yrs left me for a guy she was cheating on me with one month ago. I have seen her since and now she won't talk to me. Says it's too hard or whatever. I am going nuts!

Drew

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 11:14pm
You're not a "freaking psycho." You're in the withdrawal stage. I forgot which book I read it in, but they compared certain kinds of relationships to being hooked on drugs. You get hooked on the highs and even when the lows come more and more often, you keep coming back for a "fix", that chance at a great high again. Even when you start seeing the destructive aspects take a more and more negative toll on your mental, physical and emotional faculties, you don't care because you're a junkie. It doesn't matter what friends or family say, it doesn't matter if your career, education or finances suffer...you just want more of that great drug that made you feel so great once upon a time. That's why sometimes they toss really serious cases in padded cells and make them go "cold turkey." The only way to get them unhooked is to completely isolate them from the source of their pain/pleasure. You have to do the same...go cold turkey. No contact! It is hell, but you will emerge on the other side of the storm with a strange sense of peace and realization that life does go on after "him." I'm at four months now, still cry on occasion, still a little bewildered deciding what to do next, but definitely over the insane cravings to contact "him" for a fix. You can do it too. Good luck...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 8:21am
First of all you've got to realize that you're still connecting with him ... like a game of chess. You're not alone. And in chess you have to keep an eye on your pieces and when it's your turn. Maybe it's not 'your turn' to call him and you need to wait till he moves. He'll respond better if you play smart and be a challenge, and maybe you'll win :) In the break-up I'm going thru my X pulled the 'disappearing act' and TOTAL SILENCE ... in other words NO CONTACT without even saying goodbye. His N/C hasn't stopped me from sending him e-mail because I want some closure for his disappearance, Val
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 12:26pm

I've been going through the same thing as you. You are not a psycho. I hope this self-observation will help both of us.

In your original posting, you stated, "Basically, I DO want to know why I was rejected" and, "I want to fix whatever I did wrong, so that I can feel like I didn't do anything to get myslef rejected." This made me stop and consider why the same thoughts run through my head.

Being brutally honest with myself, I have to say that it has to be because of my (unreasonable) "need" to please everyone. Perhaps, like me, you feel that if you make reparation, you will make yourself "loveable" again. Therapy, or talking to a good friend may help in understanding why and how to change that.

I wonder if the both of us are confusing "like" for "accept". We may like ourselves, but there is still that unhealthy drive to be liked by someone else, no matter how badly they treat you. The hard part is accepting oneself. If one can do that, flaws and all, then one can stop playing games with oneself. I have JUST realized (as in, as I am typing this)that the only person I am hurting when I play these head games is myself. And that is no way to treat a wonderful human being.

To answer your first question: "how many of you struggle with the urge to call him and how many actually follow the advice of all those relationship books and resist calling?" I think we all do at some point in our lives. Rejection is painful, but it is bearable as time goes by. As to following the advice of all those books...listen to that tiny voice inside of you instead. You know, the one that sounds like Gloria Gaynor that singing "I Will Survive". http://www.lyricsdomain.com/7/gloria_gaynor/i_will_survive.html It may be humming the tune right now. But, in a few weeks, it's going to be belting that song with all its heart. And you're going to look MARVELOUS dancing to it!!!

You also ask, "does anyone think these men could come back into our lives if we just 'let it go' and pull away?" In life, anything can happen. Reread the book "He's Just Not That Into You", and you will realize that it probably won't. Him not coming back is NOT a reflection of our own attractiveness, desirability, or other traits. It is merely a reflection of himself (what he finds attactive, what he desires, etc.) You cannot control that. And honestly, do you really want to have that much control over someone? It will only mean he has that much control over you.

HERE COMES THE METAPHOR!!

I hope this response cast a few rays of light in what may seem to be a long, dark tunnel. Rest assured that it is not an oncoming train. Tunnels are made to get us through obstacles instead of around them. It is part of the journey. Your seat is paid for, so you may as well enjoy the bad scenery as well as the good. This, too, shall pass.

Mimiche

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2004
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 4:07pm
I don't understand some people though. Everyone is so convinced that a relationship is bad or gone bad and just move on. Some things can be fixed in my opinion if both parties are willing to try. I am chasing the girl that left me but it is our last shot. I know that and I am not going to go down without a fight. It used to be romantic when people would do what I am doing and want to see that person so very much. Now people think your sick or something. I just think advice has gotten so canned or one rule applies to all it is ridiculous. Every person is different. Every relationship is different. It is so hard on a message board to relay the relationship to people that don't know you, your significant other or the dynamics within the relationship. The advice is always the same, NC, NC NC NC. NC is the easy way out for both parties after the initial pain. I am not out for a quick fix but a pertner that sees my commitment and applauds my efforts and gives me another chance to show the world how much I love them. If I fail, oh well as long as my career, finances and health hold up I have lost nothing. Sometimes effort is what will set you free. If I don't try, the regret, the wondering and the guilt will be with me much longer. I will be able to live knowing I gave it my all and that is what I believe in every aspect of my life. If I fail I have some good stories that make me look like one hell of a romantic and I can sleep well at night. If I suceed we have stories to tell our kids about and laugh together about. One thing I know is that if I fail and we don't get another chance, she will be the one with the guilt, wondering and feeling of failure not I.