Obsessed with my ex's new woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Obsessed with my ex's new woman
5
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:52am

My ex and I just split up. Immediately he met a woman who he has started a sexual relationship with. He misses me and still loves me but our LD relationship was too much after almost 4 years. Time to move on.

During the break up I asked questions about her. He answered some candidly and now, I find, I am obsessing over her. Who she is, what she is to him, what they do....I think of this A LOT. I ruminate and obsess.

It is NOT my business and knowing does nothing to help me heal. Why am I doing this and HOW can I stop please?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:12am

I really know how you feel. And I can answer your questions ....

You ARE obsessing. Its an emotional reaction and you have a broken heart. You are now making it a reflection of yourself and probably focusing on her because "she" isn't "you with him".

Try and switch your focus, even if for a minute. This has helped me. Think about your relationship with your ex. Where you truly happy with eachother? Did he make you happy?Why did you break up? Be confident in yourself.

Every time you get down and start comparing yourself to her, remember you were there already and now you are moving on. He being with her does NOT in any way mean she is better than you or that he didn't or doesn't care about you. HE DID AND HE DOES. But life does go on.

My ex got romantic VERY quick after we broke up and we are NOT Long Distance what so ever. It was very traumatic for me. But I try not to dwell on her.

I go to a therapist who has shown me that I am focusing the wrong way. She has already helped me to become so much more clear. I'm in no way totally over it all, but switching your focus can relieve a lot of the stress and anxiety.

I hope this helps a little.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:26am

This helps a lot. We split for many good reasons and can end it amicably as both of us were honorable. Our time simply ran out and ended but for the good. We both can move on. However, the day we split he met her and started his fling. It hurts for sure. I will see him for the first time since we split (we ended it on the phone at his initiation) so will put closure. The thing is, he still wants me. We had an amazing relationship for the good parts..but we knew due to the LD and age issues it could not be lasting. So, it's best we end it.

I will try the thought stopping. I hate the inner dialogue. It eats so much time and energy. Sigh..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:33am

Oh, feel free to "think." Just try and alter your perspective.

Chances are, this girl is nothing but a gap filler right now. That is more due to the difference between men and women. We take time, think, dwell, etc. Men need the company and instead of taking the time and ponder and evaluate, they take action.

I'm sure he doesn't want you to take this personally. He just sounds extra-ordinarily immature to have been so quick to be physical. If there is anyone you should feel bad for, feel bad for this girl. OMG, I certainly would not enjoy being in her shoes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:42am
I do feel bad bc he went to her for sex only and still wants me. Since we only see each other every 4-6 weeks he simply got tired of it..and yes, he is young..half my age! So for him to be monogomous for 3.5 years I am thankful. It instilled faith in trust between a man and a woman. Now my time to move on..
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:45am
good outlook!