obsession vs. loss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
obsession vs. loss
4
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 9:17am

I went to my first "session" last week and will go again this week. But my therapist highlighted something very intuitive to me that I'd like to share. She asked me, at one point, if I knew what an "obsession" is. I do, or at least I had an idea of it. I quickly got it and realized that this may very well have become an obsession for me - a situation and compulsion not based entirely on reality but rather sxcentuated by pain and loss.

Its been very hard for me to get over my ex and the more time that passes, the more I hurt and suffer from anxiety about him. I therefore signed myself up for a therapist. Its a good thing and I'm glad I did.

Just the other night I made contact with my ex again. I had been drinking wine that night and got thinking about him, AGAIN, and called. We met up very late at night and I cried, talked, etc. He has moved on from me with this 21 year old girl. He listened to me and I could tell he felt bad how crazed I was about all this. I dont really recall the entire conversation because I was so out of it. I even tried to kiss him!!!!!!!! He refused. I dont think I really wanted to kiss him, it was kind of like a test. But WOW - I must have seemed like a crazy person. He said we would talk again soon - but I doubt it.

I did tell him I was in therapy. To me, in my mind, things ended so quickly. I never wanted to loose him. His reaction shocked me because he did seem concerned and sorry.

Well, I have now begun to accept maybe I am obsessed. Not knowing what is real is a hard thing. Its very hard to realize that the person you once loved so very very much has finally and forever rejected you.

If I could have gone back and done anything differently, I KNOW I would have not gotten back together with him so many times. It only made this last time not seem like it was real or that it would stick.

So ... Breaking up is hard to do. Its the hardest thing for me.

isa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 1:31pm

my ex and i were also together for 2 yrs, here lately it was on and off.i finally decided to end it yesterday for good.the problem is he wont let go, he just cant accept the fact that its over. i dont want to be mean to him or blow him off after all i did love him once upon a time, but im tired of hearing him cry and beg for another chance. i try to listen and i sympathize, i tell him to be strong but he feels that there is no one in this world for him other than me.

ive gone through really bad break ups in the past so i know how to let go. sometimes you have to be strong, on your own, dont let everyone else have pitty for u and dont have pitty for urself. its not easy and it takes a lot of time but only u decide how long u drag the pain on.focus on other goals for urself and do things whatever it is that makes you feel at peace with urself.once u pick up the last piece of ur heart and u know u did it all by urself; the next time around u go through a heartbreak you'll be such a pro it will hardly phase u.think about urself for once instead of thinking of the both of u as a couple.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 4:16pm

I'm glad to hear you are going to counseling...as I wrote to you a while back, I was concerned about what I saw as your obsession with your ex, and it sounds like your counselor is thinking along the same lines.

Please don't take offense at this, I mean it to be helpful...but have you considered either severely curtailing your drinking or even stopping altogether, at least for the time being? I think having a clear head is SO important as you try to work through your issues, and I can guarantee (being a non-drinker now) that it will cut down on the drama in your life because you won't do things like drinking and dialing ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 4:41pm

No offense taken!! You are right though - the drama is sooooooooooo much more dramatic if I am a little down while drinking. So drinking these days is like a gamble ... gamble as in will she or will she not fall into a slump about the ex. Makes sense because alcohol is a depressant.

I am really trying to work through this though. Its like when I fell in love with him - I went through different stages of emotions toward him and us. Now it is like that but in reverse.

Yesterday I spent my day mostly embarressed about the Sunday night outing, but now I think I feel ok. I'm so glad he refused my kiss though. I am CERTAIN I would have been such a mess if we made out because I would be confused. I know its not healthy to look to him to help me through this. I really know that.

I just really thought, deep deep down and through everything that he would be the one I'd end up with. And I can safely admitt that my "obsession" with this really was grounded in believing our break-up was temporary and that everything was his fault and when he finally missed me again he would be back.

But that isn't the case. I do have fault too. And its so not healthy to breakup and get back together like that again and again. If anything, he may have been the stronger one and me the "dumb girl that didn't get it." But the stage I'm entering into now feels like realization and acceptance. I think of that as a good sign.

-isa

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 8:20pm

I can choose to focus on how painful this is, which is really easy to do, or I can choose to change my attitude about it. I'm only going to heal as fast as I let myself. Why should I feel sorry for myself? Why should I let him dictate my happiness? I will always look back fondly on this relationship and will always think he's a wonderful man, but so what? I think that I've been a perfectly wonderful girlfriend and I'm proud of that. Is it going to take several months for me to feel good again? Probably, but at least I'll be healing instead of fooling myself into thinking he can give me what I want.

This was some advise that really made since to me and helped with the healing process. BF and I were together 6 1/2 years and broke up 3 times and got back together in the past year. We are currently broke up and I think that it took the past two times for me to be able to completely let go. I feel for you and hang in there.