Odd feelings of sad and angry
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| Sat, 08-25-2007 - 12:18am |
So something happened this week that made me terribly angry at the ex. More angry than I had been just for him breaking up with me. He was shoving contact with another girl in my face as we had to spend time together for 3 days for work. He text messaged with her non stop all day and smiled and laughed when he text messaged her. I'm not an idiot, I know who you're talking to - you're not gonna smile and giggle like a girl when one of your guy buddies sends you a text, I'm sorry. I was so angry that he could be so inconsiderate, that I almost told him off when he tried to follow me out. But I didn't let him know (at least vocally anyway) that he had gotten to me by being a d*ck. I don't ever use the f word but I was EXTREMELY close to saying f*#@ you that night.
Now a day and half out from it, I'm still angry but a part of me is sad that he is obviously enjoying communicating with this girl and he is not at all communicating with me (apart from the co-worker conversation we had to have at these meetings). A part of me is sad that he has chosen this odd semblance of a fling/relationship/I don't know what (because PS she's married and he knows that and also knows she doesn't plan on changing that but still likes to do god knows what with him including sending dirty pictures to him). But I think thats what he likes about it is that there is no commitment or obligation, its just fun. He doesn't have to marry her, or spend a certain amount of time with her to keep her happy, its not his responsibility or obligation. But it still hurts to know that he is choosing that over me. And then throwing it in my face to boot.
So I am angry and hurt and sad.
I feel like this is dealing with a 3rd breakup all over again and having to go through all of the grieving processes again (because I was very angry the other night and now I'm sad). Because we broke up once, then we started spending time together again and when I started having feelings and I didn't think he was in the same place, I asked him about our relationship (bad, now I know unfortunately). And it went severely downhill from there. He used to still try to call and text when he first broke up and when we were trying to work on things ... he still showed that he cared how I was doing and wanted me to know that he was trying to work on things and that he didn't want to lose me. And now I get nothing. Absolutely nothing. But then we had to be together for meetings this week, and I had to see him for 3 days straight and be victim to this torture and I feel like I'm dealing with rejection for the 3rd time.
I'm pretty sure I screwed up by asking about the relationship, and that may have turned him away for good. A part of me is still sad for that loss though, is that okay? And a part of me is still confused and depressed wondering where it all went wrong because this same guy who is now hurting me almost intentionally used to adore me constantly and not want to be apart from me. Its so confusing ...
I know in my head that this isn't someone I want to be with, if he would hurt me like this, even though we aren't together, he knows I'm still hurting and I think that that is just mean. Plus - if he's okay in being involved with someone who is married, what would he do if we were married?
I just need some reassurance that all of the feelings are okay and valid ... and that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel because it just seems like when things start to get better, then they get a lot worse ...

Well three days alone with someone you broke up with so soon is bound to hurt, especially when his behaviour is so uncalled for. In fact, after..a month of no contact, I still had the occasional raging/miserable episode. It doesn't last. Most importantly, you came out of this encounter without doing anything you'd regret later. that's an A+++
"I'm pretty sure I screwed up by asking about the relationship, and that may have turned him away for good."
I think every person has a right to know where things are going. If you haven't been clingy and needy, there's no reason to ask whether or not he thinks you're the booty call or a real girlfriend. One question does not turn away a man who truly wants to be with you, even if he has some apprehensions. It's only the realization that he might actually have to pull his boyfriend weight that drove him away. You didn't screw up. It was screwed before the question ever crossed your mind.
Lastly, oddly enough, you know when I finally finally realized I was moving on? When i stopped putting "squeee, omg, matt I luv you" or "god i miss you, you're so cool vincy". On my msn name. I'd venture to say he's probrably the same. when he's in the relationship because he genuinely wants to BE with his new fling, he won't need to put on a show. but anyways, regardless of whether or not he's still hurting over this, best advice is to continue your moving on process as much as possible
cheers
Susanna
Thanks Susanna for the encouragement!
You're right I'm pretty proud I didn't exclaim "F*#$ you!" even thought I was DYING TOO. Back story, after he'd text messaged her ALL DAY AND NIGHT, I had had enough of the torture and said I was leaving. Behind me, I hear him excuse himself as well and start following me. He starts calling to me from behind and I ignore, after the 3rd call, he yelled it a lot louder and I said WHAT? and he had the audacity to ask if I was okay to drive home!!!!! This is when I wanted to yell my expletives, but instead I said "um yeah" (because he had way more to drink than I did) and he said "uh okay" and left in front of me. Then in the parking lot he squealed his tires, hit a cone and turned the wrong way out of the parking lot. LOL. Mature. Then the next day he asked me what my deal was, and while I REALLY wanted to say "my deal was you shoving your text messaging with your #*$& in my face all day and night" instead I said "I was tired." While it was difficult to hold at times and sometimes I let it down, overall I maintained way more class than he did that night. And you're right, if he was truly into her for a relationship he wouldn't have to be flaunting it.
I also appreciate your perspective on me posing that question to him. I wasn't overly dramatic about it, I just felt I had a right to ask where the ship was going because I was putting more into it than he was at that point I felt and I wasn't there to be a sex buddy because to me, with him, that involves a lot of feelings, but I don't think it was the same for him at that point. And you're right, he couldn't handle pulling the boyfriend weight, because he just wanted to be bachelor bob right now messing with a girl who is the farthest thing from someone who needs or wants commitment or responsibility. Have fun bachelor bob but this classy girl won't be around when her husband finds out or you get tired of it, or, heaven forbid, you realize you made a HUGE MISTAKE ...
Lisa