officially broken up, and i miss him.
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| Mon, 10-24-2005 - 3:45am |
i broke it off with him (the first time) about 2 weeks ago. i don't believe in dating someone i have absolutely no future with... and i was sick of dragging it longer than it needed to be. but i had doubts about my decision at first. we kept talking online and on the phone, and we both agreed we should be friends. then the following weekend we hung out our first time as "friends" and it was awkward. he would make affectionate gestures like touching my leg or putting his hand on my arm, and i'd have to remind him that we're ONLY friends now...
that night, we hung out at his place (mistake, i know) and he told me how much he missed me and how girls as sweet and smart as me are hard to come by... i thought i had been so strong and suddenly i just broke down. reality hit and i started crying and he hugged me and i wrapped my arms around him and couldn't let go. we fooled around, and i left crying and more confused as ever.
the next week, i missed him so badly. i would ask if he was doing anything that night, then canceled on him.. i guess i was toying with him for a few days. finally one night, he called me and said he wanted to see me. (he had some stuff of mine). he told me to come over that evening and we could go out for dessert. we ended up at his place and slept together. i insisted we talk, but he said we should cherish the moment and leave the "talking" til later. as i left that night, i felt so guilty for what had happened. the next day, i told him that i couldn't talk to him, see him, email him or call him anymore. that was friday, and i haven't talked to him since. this weekend was been so difficult because i usually spend it with him. my friends were busy so i didn't do much over the weekend. i tried to keep busy with reading and working out, but having absolutely NO communication with him as made him miss him even more. i can't remember the last time i had no social plans on the weekend! (i feel like such a loser...)
i can't believe i'm saying this, but i'm SO GLAD i have to go back to work tomorrow.
what can i do to ease this pain? :(

It is hard to do the back and forth dance. I have been there..many of us have. That is why so many endorse the NC rule for awhile. How can you go from love and passion and intimacy and then to be friends without some time in between. Impossible almost.
Cultivate old friendships, keep busy, get a massage, join the gym. Do things you could not do before. Each moment apart is sheer hell, we know..but it gets better..