Oh geez! All my fault?!
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| Fri, 09-24-2004 - 5:35pm |
I knew I had issues to work on, but I had no idea it had been going on for this long. Is this all of my fault? I am starting to feel so guilty. But, we could have just sat down & talked about all of this. We didn’t! We never really communicated about our problems at all. Just ignored them! Then, of course, the fights got worse & worse! That is not entirely my fault right? He was so bad about not reiterating his love for me, he would always avoid me whenever we made plans to talk, etc. My only real complaint about him…he was afraid of any kind of conflict! So, we never talked about anything too “controversial”. And, I guess that is why he went along with wanting to marry me….he was afraid to tell me the truth?!
Is this some sort of disorder? Do I have a disease or something I do not know of? Is this a form of “commitment phobia”? I am feeling like complete crap. It was all of my fault & I finally pushed this great guy out of my life for good. What do you do when you think you’ve lost the best thing in your life? Is there any chance to fix this? It seems that our only problem was these reoccurring fights. We never solved them in the first place, so it was a constant pattern. Couldn’t it be fixed if we learned to communicate? Or, have I just lost this guy for good?
Please don't be too harsh, I can't handle much more pain right now.

Your post is full of "why did I?" and until you know why - and you resolve those issues without someone involved - you'll never have someone involved very long or that you admire and respect and trust.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I don't know if your ex will ever come back... but you have identified a problem within yourself... now you can get help so that you stop the pattern now. Then your next relationship will be better and healthier... good luck to you...
Ultimately, recognize that we all make MANY mistakes in relationships, and no relationship ending is a one-way street, both partners always contributed to it. Forgive yourself. But also do some self-improvement, if it seems appropriate - failed relationships can provide lessons we need to learn to make the next one work.
Take a deep breath, have you thought that perhaps the problem is him?
You said "I am feeling like complete crap. It was all of my fault & I finally pushed this great guy out of my life for good."
I have felt this many times in my life, only later to realize I was being mentally abused.
It takes 2 people to have a relationship -- when couples fight or fail to communicate, BOTH people had a hand in the problem. I'm not sensing that he is taking any responsibility for the way things are.
Lack of responsibility for one's actions is a hallmark of an abuser. He will make you feel it's all your fault.
Before you grapple with what you did wrong, perhaps it's wise to consider what he's bringing to the relationship. Are his actions and words making your relationship better or worse?
Constantly running you down does not help the relationship, particularly if he does that rather than bring joy into your life.
You may need to look into the overall health of your relationship. I'm not sugar-coating it -- your relationship and/or your partner may be abusive. If you suspect this, you owe it to yourself and any dependents to educate yourself.
I stayed with abusive men BECAUSE I was afraid of abandonment and never finding anyone as good as him.
What I have learned is that life is absolutely amazing when I live for me and answer only to myself. The only men I let into my life now are those who help me seize the joy of life. (Yes, after him, it too can be 'men' -- not just "man").
Best of luck
Kat
Your post hit me on so many levels because it could have been
written by me.
I think the constant drama chipped away at my ex's psyche, and the end
result was I lost him for good.
It's painful to examine our own role in the relationship, but there's
no doubt in my mind it stems from fear of abandonment.
I plan to work on my issues, and learn how to not repeat these type
of behavioral patterns in the future...but at the same time - recognizing that the breakup was NOT all my fault. My ex was the one who made the
conscious choice to stop trying (without ever communicating any
of this to me) and cross over the line to lying and cheating on me.
THAT was the deal-breaker....my worst fear became reality.
And yes, an inability to know how to truly communicate with each
other played a very important part in all of this.