oh lord the pain is back
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| Sun, 05-29-2005 - 11:34pm |
well....it's all back again, and worse, because this time I can't avoid letting go. The ex has been "hounding" me for a few weeks to have dinner with him--I've successfully avoided his calls and so forth, until this Thursday, when I finally answered the phone and agreed to dinner. I wasn't hopeful that he was calling to get me back, but that we could maybe, possibly, begin a friendship and maybe even, down the line, get back together. I was concerned though, b/c I've had this hunch (based on nothing but my own knowledge of him) that he got back together with his ex...and I really just didn't want to face that at all, if it was the truth. Well, we met for dinner, all was well, great conversation etc.,...until he drops the bomb. "Eeyore, I just wanted to let you know that C and I are back together, we've been dating for two months...and I'm in love with her. And I thought it would be okay to tell you b/c it's been 4 months now since we broke up and I thought you would be over me by now. And I still really want you in my life as my friend. Because I do love and care about you. " Re-enactment of fire-bombing Dresden, I swear. Anyway, I held myself together, carried myself fairly well....told him that no, in fact, I was not over him...not in any way shape or form, and that no, I cannot be friends with him, (especially not now when he swore up and down to me that he had no more feelings for this girl and that "I mean so much more to him than she ever did."), wished he and this girl all the love and happiness in the world (which I do sincerely wish for them) and to please not contact me anymore. There was a bit more said, but it was all very classy with minimal tears.
But oh lordy, when I got home last night. Heck, as I was walking home last night...Niagra Falls. Even now, Niagra Falls x2. Not only have I lost my lover, which I had finally accepted, but now I've lost my friend. Something that I never wanted to happen and was deathly afraid of happening. And worse, that he went back to this girl and is IN LOVE WITH HER. After everything that he said to me...oh my god. He never stopped loving her...he was just lying to himself and I got caught in the fray. He was hoping that I would be the one to make his feelings for her go away while she was seemingly unavailable. Oh guys, I can't even tell you what kind of pain I'm in. I feel so used. I was the rebound girl. I was the blip in *their* relationship!!!!! And though I'm beyond heartbroken, I really and truly do wish him all the happiness he could ever possibly have with this girl. If she is the one he chose, then she must be something darn special and she has my utmost respect. Even if I may want to claw her eyes out and then knee him where it counts. I was hoping against hope that this wasn't the case, that I was being paranoid, that he really did love me and wanted to be with me. But, no. And though, yes, he loves me...he "loves me like family." It's cruel.
Ladies and gentlemen, as strong as I've tried to be...this is it. This is the end. I have reached the end of my rope and now, ready or not, I have to let go. And believe me, I'm not ready. I want him to be in love with me...so badly. I do find some solace in the fact that he does care about me and love me so much...and that he is with somebody that he's in love with (I love him so much, that makes my heart swell with both joy and pain) ...but oh my sorrow is so much greater than any of that. I'm so frustrated that I can't just be his friend and that I'm still in love with him. I'm so frustrated that he couldn't love me, as much as he wishes he could. And there is nothing to do now except let it all go. And that hurts so bad.
Thank god I had enough sense now to just acknowledge what has to happen...what I've *known* has to happen, but have kept avoiding. Now there's no avoiding it...it's out there...I can't pretend anymore. He is not mine, if he ever was, and he never will be again. I think he's going to marry this girl. Again with the hunch, because of how well I know him. And.....oh crap, I wanted that person to be me...Or, I wanted to stop loving him and just be able to be his friend.
oh, pain...

Just even the thought of my current ex with somebody else tears me to shreds, but for you to have it confirmed by him must be like a knife in the chest. ((((HUGS))))
But although it seems so "noble" for him to take you out to dinner to tell you this, I still think he was a jerk for doing so. I think he should've just left you alone. Cause the only person it benefitted was him. He got the closure for himself. He got rid of the guilt of leaving you. And you're left with the train wreck he left behind. I really think it was a selfish move on his part, disguised as a friendly gesture. But thats just my opinion.
A few years back I was semi-dating a guy (it was a FWB-type of relationship until I said I wanted more, then poof! he was gone) and I remember him calling me out of the blue months later. He had nothing to say and I had wondered why he had called. I found out a couple of weeks later that he was seeing somebody else. I then knew thats why he had called, but he couldn't work up the nerve. And honestly, I was thankful for that. I didn't need his pity and I certaintly didn't want to make HIM feel better.
-adc
-almostdoesntcount
<
It wasn't even a nice gesture. After all that, we split the freaking bill. Yeah. I was, I *am*, so pissed off. He was lying to himself throughout our whole relationship and dragged me into his lies, without even giving a thought to how *I* might feel. He swore up and down that he was over this girl, that I meant so much more than she ever did, that he was over her, blah blah blah. And, like I fool, I believed him. Even after we broke up and I had my suspicions that something was up between them I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt...believe that he wouldn't go back to her and that he wasn't this huge jerk, that our relationship wasn't based on lies, and so forth. But it turns out that he is and it was. And he STILL wants to be friends with me. No effing way. I could never trust him now. He's a selfish, self-centered, immature egomaniac masquerading as a guy who has it all together, who, after all his protestations to the contrary, has no idea who he is, or what his own soul is all about. If he had been honest with himself from the start...well, who knows, b/c he wasn't. And now I'm the one to have paid the highest price.
He wrote me an email last night, "to say goodbye" (gag me) and was like "I've never felt so supported and confident as when I was with you. I will be losing a piece of myself that I will never be able to get back while you are away. You make my world brighter, and this loss is so much more intense given how much we care for eachother. I will always think back on our time together with a smile, and my only regret is that we could not make a friendship work. You will always have a special place in my heart. I wish you all the success and relationships you so richly deserve." UGGGGGHHHHHH. Thank you for the sentiments buddy, but you've just ripped out my heart, stomped on it, shoved it in a blender on puree, then taken it out again, poured salt on it and tried to spoon feed it back to me. Leave me alone, you're an absolutely clueless jerk and you've hurt me in unspeakable ways. I loved him more than he has ever been loved and he played me like a violin. I feel like absolute worthless crap.
Though I wish I had had the cojones to tell him off, and tell him just how much he has hurt me, I'm so glad that I've been nothing but classy throughout this whole thing. I hope he wakes up one day and realizes that he lost the best darn thing in his life. I know he does care about me in his own way too, and I've learned so much throughout this whole thing and am thankful for every single second of everything. But I am so in love and so inconsolable....he was my first everything...and I had waited for him for so long. And it was all crap. It was all a lie.
Eeyore,
If I was near you right now, I'd give you a big hug!
-----------------------------------
"You get what you settle for"...
(wow, I'm just post happy today)
No, 4 months is not a long time to "get over" someone. He was just trying to convince himself that I was to make his guilt go away. More evidence of how he lies to himself. And yes, he did meet with me to absolve his guilt. In his happy little world, I would be over him by now, totally chill with him dating and in love with this girl that caused me pain even *during* our relationship (she's been after him for months), and we could happily be best friends...like old times, except without the sex. He's delusional. He *knew* I wasn't over him. He *knew* he was doing the one thing that would completely shatter me. After he said that he was in love with her I got all quiet, trying to figure out my next move (do I throw my drink in his face? just get up and walk out? or do I just sit here and tough it out...) he kept asking "Is this it, E? Is this it?" He knew. Good lord, he knew. And yet, he *had* to tell me all the same...to put his burden back on me. Selfish prick.
At least it's over. Finally over. At least now, hope is dead.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Yes, he is incredibly selfish and insensitive - keep reminding yourself of that. If you were still dating him, he would be selfish and insensitive eventually - you can't keep it hidden forever.
Let me give you another perspective that may make you feel a little better. Just because he is back with the ex doesn't mean it will work. I got back together with my boyfriend and he told me never stopped loving me, even though he was dating someone else. He called me all the time - even though I told him a friendship with him was too painful. He told me missed me more than he thought he would. He missed our friendship. We got back together, and things were great, until he panicked and bailed again. He started dating someone else immediately, and pulled the same "lets be friends" crap. I miss your friendship, your sense of humor, blah blah blah.
While we were dating he remained "friends" with the girl he dated after our first breakup. He told me she was really hurt and he couldn't be mean to her. She held on hope and was desperate to get back together. I blamed her, then I finally realized that he probably does this with everyone he dates. He doesn't want to lose any of his options - doesn't want to close any doors. He tells the new girlfriends it is the ex that keeps calling him, when in reality it is him who wants to drag things on. I became friends with his sister-in-law and she was shocked to find out he was calling me the entire time we were broken up. She couldn't believe he was starting again - I'm sure his version is that I am bugging him.
Guys like this need the adoration, the attention, the knowledge that someone is miserable and pining away for them. They tell us they don't want to hurt us, yet they thrive on the attention. Last year when we broke up I told him how much I still loved him and wanted to be with him. It wasn't until I told him "you're right, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway" that he decided he wanted to see if we could work it out. Its sick, manipulative and cruel. I know what your ex did had to hurt you terribly, and the only good thing to (hopefully) come out of this is that you know now that he is not the right guy for you.
Please don't answer the phone when he calls, or respond to his emails. He is doing this for HIMSELF, because that is the only person he really cares about.
I'm not worried at all that he'll contact me. I've asked him not to, so he won't. He's really a (more than) decent guy, just not the right guy for me....which is incredibly sad. I've already begun to heal--it's been 4 months since we broke up, afterall--and I know for a fact that I will be fine, coming out of this a better, stronger and more knowledgeable person. He came into my life for many reasons, reasons of which I am well aware and incredibly thankful for...I'm just so utterly heartbroken to see him pass out of it. And I'm so angry that I can't be friends with him right now, because I love him so much, beyond being in love with him. I want to be able to meet this girl he's in love with and give her a huge hug, because it's a HUGE DEAL that he's in love and I am SOOOOOO happy for him. But...for all the things I wish I felt or didn't feel, the reality is that I have been blown apart by this man--in both good and bad ways--and need to spend some serious alone time to re-group and find myself again. I'm not sure that I know who I am anymore. Not because I defined myself through him, but because so much has changed since I met him a year ago and I just simply am not that person anymore.
I've got to tell you though, not knowing whether or not I will ever see him again, or be at a place where I can and want to be friends with him, is really quite scary. I know it may be meant to be this way, and I could wake up 6 months or a year or whenever from now thanking my lucky starts that he's not in my life...but...yeah. This "losing someone who is a part of your heart and soul" is a first for me. And you're never ready for it.
He may be a decent guy, but hounding you to go out to dinner so he could tell you he was back with his ex and in love was cruel and selfish.
I understand its scary to think of never talking to him again - I have felt the same way. But you never know how you'll feel in the future. I feel the same way about my ex but I keep remembering how I felt when I went through a bad breakup a few years ago. At the time, I thought I couldn't deal with never talking to him, and at first it was hard. After a while, it didn't matter so much, and eventually I didn't care at all. He emailed me a few weeks ago and wanted to get together for lunch. He asked me last year and I simply had no interest, so I didn't go. I'll probably go this time, but I'm very ambivalent about it. Right now I am still getting over this breakup, and I feel the same way you do - how can I NOT keep in contact with him? But like everyone on this board has said, no contact is the way to go. Eventually you won't even care if you talk to him - trust me.
And by the way, the first time or 50th, you're never ready for it and it hurts horribly.