Oh, this is the worst

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Oh, this is the worst
5
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 12:48am
So I shouldn't be shocked, right? I met my ex 11 months ago. I'm a flight attendant; he has a desk job with the same airline. We get a little tipsy one night and sleep together. I knew he was separated but still married, so I kind of blew it off. He began a relentlessly romantic quest for me--flowers, dinners, sweet sweet emails. I stayed aloof. Oh, but so he won me over, don't we all know how it goes? Of course, it turns out he's NOT separated-I found out when his wife called me--but now I"m so deep in I'm a damn idiot and believe his nonsense about how he loves only me. And actually, for a few months, all was still good. He asked me to move to Charlotte, where his home is. I hesitated. We kept on seeing one another. He came to my home in Florida. Oh, yeah, the wife did move out. He took me to his home, I met his teenage daughters and actually developed a good relationship with the older of the two (the wife was a second wife--not the mother of his girls)And so finally, I decide to move. I list my house. He takes me to look at apartments (deciding not to live together was actually me) but I can feel it--something's different. We're comfortable, we're not really fighting, but his usual teasing takes on a slightly mean edge. I call him on it and he takes offense. Suddenly he doesn't want a relationship, although he doesn't break up with me, so we're still having a relationship. Then my home sells, the packing starts, the work starts, our airline goes into a winter weather meltdown and I'm not getting home to pack, I'm panicking because I have so much to do, and he's evaporating. I ask him about moving dates, when he can come to help, and he finds ways not to answer. Finally, I blow up after another day of no answers, send him a text telling him fine, go to hell, I won't ask for your help and he goes ballistic. Won't speak to me for three days, finally texts me, telling me to check my yahoo mail--I was at work and couldn't--so he meets me at the airport and ditches me, leaving me standing crying, in my uniform, in front of coworkers and customers. The yahoo mail was nasty breakup mail, the obvious attempt to have to avoid doing it in person. I'm devastated, My whole world is upside down, I"m almost homeless, and I"m having a nervous breakdown.
First, I wasnt to get this out: yes, I was stupid for getting involved after I knew the truth. I was stupid for staying with him on many occasions.I became needy and clingy but having not been that way before, I blame much of it on his refusal to ever let me feel balanced and assured. He'd call me insecure and then pick on me about something. So can I be difficult? Heck yeah. Do I send obnoxious squishy drunk texts? Oh yeah (The drinking--lots of it, both of us, is another bad issue here)But I was not mean to him. I'm just not mean.I helped him with his home, wrote his papers for school because I have a master's in writing and he can't write his way out of a plastic bag, I worked hard to develop that relationship with his kids.But he's not coming to Florida to see me.He chose to work on my birthday. My christmas jift was obviously purchased last minute, no thought, still in the store bag, and one gift was a perfume HE liked, not the one I like. I, of course, searched all over to find this cooking textbook he coveted, expensive and terribly heavy so shipping costs were enormous, but still, something he'd mentioned as a dream item months before and which I so valiantly searched for. He didn't seem all that pleased. Valentines was a disaster--due to weather I could not get to JFK for our dinner plans, the next day, after 3 hrs sleep and a 18 hour day, he asks if I"m near a computer. I say yes, thinking I"m getting a nice late Valentine, but all it was was a grammar quiz he wanted me to do. No how are ya, no did you get some sleep, no you feel okay? no even could you please...just sends it and expects me to do it. And for our post VD dinner? He brings me a rose but loses his card and I pay. No card, no gift. A week later an unwrapped bath set from a store in the Charlotte airport appears, me again knowing how much thought went into this.Meanwhile I"m giving him cards inscribed with Yeats. He used to offer to rub my feet or hands and do amazing jobs. Now I have to ask and he doesn't even pay attention: just holds your hand and rubs your fingers. Oh so clearly thethrill is gone gone.
So who's shocked that two weeks before moving time, he gives me my airport commeuppance? Oh, of course, he'll still help me move (Ha!It's so easy to offer help you know no one will take)and "Wants to be friends>: What a joke.
But here's what I need. I'm with family since I had no choice, heck I sold my place and have to find a new one.I'm staying with them till things settle and they are as loving and supportive as ever. My best friend is flying me out to visit her in Cali for a week.I've already started therapy--in two days! Because while I can't fix him, it's damn clear that I need plenty of work. I threw out all the cards, the flower acknowledgements, the ticket stubs, even the damn sexy lingerie. Took his number out of my phone, dug up every business card of his and burned it.But many of my friends know him and I suppose there's some history, and the general consensus is __Watch out. He will try to get you back.__And he's good, I tell you. What stregthening tricks are out there? Anybody can help with anything?
Oh, and one funny postnote. Iam considering a return to teaching and I"d sent a resume to a private school near his part of town before the breakup. Now they want to interview me. I want to go, check out the school, see what's new in English departments, but should I dare say be offered the job, what should I do? Sorry so long and rambling, but I'm trying to remember everything. So help me, I'm having a nervous breakdown.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 9:52am

Good read, very sorry you're going through that. He must have been some sweet-talker to get you to move.

However (and you knew that was coming) now you see where you went off your path, and the strengthening trick I will give you is *don't get off your path*

Sounds simple, but oh so hard. Many, many women find it very hard to say no when they're hearing exactly what they want to hear, but really not paying attention to the one thing they should really listen to-- their guts. Even if you tell me, like I told myself, "But I never saw this coming," oh no, you saw it at some point. You saw it and chose to act otherwise.

This is not something to make you feel badly about yourself, breakups do a damn fine job of that to begin with, but rather to show you that you *already* have the tools to avoid this in the future, you just have to use them.

Tools:
1. That little voice that says, "Wait a minute, that doesn't sound/feel/look so good to me." LISTEN TO IT. It is your built-in defense mechanism and although it's different for everyone, YOURS will never steer YOU wrong.
2. Trust your judgement. A lot of times we don't, and THAT'S when we make bad decisions for ourselves. Sometmes you have to power through the uneasy, queasy feelings and know your jdgement will get you to the other side. Please, no replies of 'but my judgement is what got me here!" No, your judgement is what told him to go to hell when he was being an as to you, remember that.
3. Believe in your own set of values, they are what will shape your life through your decisions. All of life is a bunch of decisions, and our own unique set of decisions will shape it, give it meaning. It will also keep us going in our own uniquely-personal good paths. Your values, I'm sure, told you that being involved with a 'separated' man, wasn't a good idea. But you went against them, went aginst yourself, actually, and it got you here. You can easily change that from ever happening again by sticking to your values no matter what.

I could probably go on, but I think you get my point: Everything you or anyone else needs in order to have a good life and fight off destructive situations/issues is already within you. You just have to trust it, and act accordingly. When your thoughts, your feelings and your actions are all aligned, there is nothing and no one in the world that can hurt you, no matter how much they try.

Best and welcome to the board,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 10:19am

Oh girl - how I feel for you. That is just awful. When I was reading your post, I kept thinking "wow, my ex did the same thing" when it came to gifts or just being attentive to what I needed.

Stand tall, stand strong - don't let him get you down. Move on - success is the best form of revenge.

As for the teaching job - don't take it if it's going to put you in contact with him. That's just adding salt to your wounds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 12:07pm

Hi anneski and welcome to the board. You've already gotten some great advice, I just wanted to add a few things.


Mainly, what person is secure in their relationship, when it started out with one person married?


Make an index card with all the 'bad' things you listed here in your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:29pm
Oh, and this is rich. Today, I know I know it was stupid and masochisitic crap, but I looked on match.com in Charlotte and what do you know, there he is. Didn't take him long. But the best is that he told me he was getting an MBA? Actually, he's getting a BA. And he's listed as divorced, although he still isn't. At first I was hurt that he was back to work so quickly, but then I realize that he's not even found someone else yet and he's already lying to whomever it may be. This man has something wrong with him. I guess I should feel lucky I escaped. You know I do have a Master's degree--do you think there's some pathological self esteem issues at work here?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 9:05pm

Hi anneski,


::But the best is that he told me he was getting an MBA? Actually, he's getting a BA. And he's listed as divorced, although he still isn't. At first I was hurt that he was back to work so quickly, but then I realize that he's not even found someone else yet and he's already lying to whomever it may be. This man has something wrong with him.


From personal experience, yes, there is something wrong with him.