Ok, He called...after 8 months!
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| Mon, 05-19-2008 - 11:33pm |
I was in a LDR that ended August of last year. We had dated for 1 1/2 yrs LD.
I am so glad I found this board during that time, it helped a lot! And here I am again.
The ex bf relocated back to his hometown and started a new business, he became stand offish, he said he had too much going on to have a gf. Then he told me he had met someone else that he was interested in and it was easier because I lived too far away.
I really never believed that he did.
As I was getting ready for work the other morning, very early my phone rang! When his name came up, I thought I was seeing things. We have had N/C this whole time.
I turned my answering machine on and stared at my machine while he was leaving the message.
He sounded very sincere.
The message said Hey, L, its J, it has been a long time since we talked, a really long time, I have been thinking about you a lot this past month or so, please give me a call back and slowly repeated his number 3 times.
I haven't called him back but really would like to speak to him again.
Does he miss me, have regrets, etc? I don't know. I want him to sweat it out wondering what I am doing or thinking about, I want him to feel like I did all those months ago.
I have always wondered about him, but have focused on myself and my job, traveled and reconnected with friends. My life is very good and full but I really do miss him.
I am not sure I am ready to open this can of worms again.
Not sure what to do. Thoughts?

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This is a tough one.
I was in an off/on relationship for nearly 5 years (finally ending 3 years ago).
And every time I was fully content in my life without him, he would magically reappear.
Before I would "allow" him to re-enter my life I recall giving it time to think about it...but pretty much every time, I would fall into his trap.
And while falling into his trap, I'd forget how it felt to be so incredibly hurt and deceived when he'd left all of those previous times.
One time he reappeared in my life by sending a "Marry Me and Move to (his city)" text to my cell phone.
Who does this?
And who falls for it? I (sadly) did.
I was convinced that he and I were like Carrie and Mr. Big (Sex and the City). This guy knew exactly how to win over my heart time and time again. And break it, time and time again. He even drove his vehicle beside my bedroom apartment window one summer evening blaring "our song"...pathetically in a sad John Cusack attempt to win back my heart.
Again, I fell for it.
Before you make the next step and return the call(because I am sure that you will, if you haven't already... because curiosity will win you over sooner or later). Really, really think about how you felt when you were hurt and when he left before before you allow him any form of power over you. Really, really know that he has the power to hurt you again, no matter how strong you feel right now.
Mine would always return when he was feeling lonely, or if he just got dumped, or if a current woman and he had broken up. I thought we were soul mates and that we were destined for each other. I was the person that would make him feel better....and eventually he would feel so good with me and confident, that he would leave again.
I even took this guy back after he married someone else and she left him.
Pretty pathetic stuff.
Anyways. Food for thought.
It's been a long time. You know yourself and him better than any of us.
I probably wouldn't welcome any ideas of "I want him to hurt as much as I did," because that's just bad karma waiting to rear it ugly head in your life, plus, you have no idea how he felt during and after the breakup. Don't assume you didn't matter.
What I would say is for you to take a look, a good long look at your life now and ask yourself if you like the way it's going. Do you enjoy your time spent with your family, friends, *yourself*, etc. Have you expanded or have you shrunk your life since this and have YOU been sincere about it, embracing life, or are you still just going through the motions. Are you fully aware of the fact that partner or no partner, YOU will be just fine in life.
Now, having said that, you don't even know why he's calling. Could be minor, or, he could have done some serious thinking. If you can go 8 months cold turkey, I'd say you're pretty well in charge of your actions. What I'm getting at is that you don't seem to be in a vulnerable state at this time, and you could probably handle a discussion. You don't have to, though. That's the beauty of this situation, you're in control of yourself.
Don't do or not do something out of spite, though, that's petty and fearful. Do something (or not) because that's truly how you feel and because it's what is best for you.
Good luck, let us know what you decide.
Sandra, thank you for taking the time to reply. Your advice is always right on.
Yes, you are right it is bad karma to hope he is/was suffering.
I didn't entirely mean for it to sound like that.
I do have a great life and have moved on fine, my life has definitely grown since this experience. Most of all, being in a LDR, I was so focused on planning, planning for visits, phone calls because of the time difference, helping him relocate, etc.
When he disappeared it gave me more time to focus on me but my job which was so important.
I am doing so well at my job, I had been struggling before due to lack of focus but just in the last couple months, my hard work is paying off. I feel like I have turned a corner.
I have decided to talk to him, but I will wait for him to call back. I am not sure if he is calling because he was bored, lonely, just dumped, etc. Maybe it was a weak moment.
Maybe he just wants to check in and say hello.
I am nervous but am ready to speak to him and wish him well whatever he wants.
I totally get waiting for him to call again....but at the same time you said you would like to talk to him, and he did extend the olive branch.
If he doesn't call back again- because you didnt return the call and he assumes you dont want to hear from him- will you be ok with that? If not, then maybe wait a week or two, and then call him. Its possible your curiosity is peaked now and if he never calls back, you will be wondering....?
Every time I reread my post or a reply post, I feel terrible.
I do think I want to wait for him to call back. If he doesn't maybe it was a weak moment.
Either way, when I read these posts, I feel like I am acting immature and playing games.
That is not who I am.
I gave him 110%, I was completely honest with him and that didn't work out so well.
I don't want to become angry and bitter and lose faith in people in general.
I just don't want to lay all my cards back on the table, get my hopes up and get crushed..again.
I am sure it took him a lot of thinking and consideration to call me, I don't think he just picked up the phone impulsively at 8 am and I do appreciate that but I am trying not to jump back too quickly.
Lovergrl,
You are right, he did extend the olive branch so I will wait after this weekend, since it is a long holiday weekend, I have plans to go away with some friends. Hopefully, by then he will have called back. If not maybe I will reconsider.
No one understands more than me about not wanting to jump back in. I also gave 110% to have him turn out to be disrespectful and when he wanted to reconcile, i took things slower than most would have- but he was patient and waited me out. Despite all that, i broke it off again a few months later- I just can't get past what happened no matter how hard he tries
And believe it or not, he still contacts me and we are "friends", as much as you can be friends.
I dont find your comments to portray you playing games at all. I think it is something everyone of us on here can relate to. I only wondered if possibly you hoped things had changed, and you may never know that if you dont return his call....at the same time, if you wouldn't care either way, then mabye best to leave it untouched. I know its a hard thing but if you think it would set you back, then you know in your heart what to do. And no one here would think you were playing games :)
You're not being immature, you're thinking things through and true to form, aren't being impulsive either one way or another.
It's ever so tough to put yourself "in the line of fire" again, I think we all get that.
Just take your time and simply do what you feel is best for your life. It's *your* life, how do you want it to look?
Best,
I just wanted to update to my situation.
I decided not to call him back but would answer if he called back.
I think I had mentioned before I wanted to make sure he wasn't reaching out in a weak moment. I haven't heard anything back until yesterday.
I received a chain email from his dad. The ex does not use email.
It was a chain email about miracles and the Lord. They are not religious people.
This is was on the bottom of the email:
ANGELS EXIST but some times, since they don't all have wings, we call them FRIENDS
Pass this on to your true friends. Something good will happen to you at 11:00 in the morning; something that you have been waiting to hear.
This is not a joke; someone will call you by phone or will speak to you about something that you were waiting to hear.
Do not break this prayer; send it to a minimum of 5 people
Now, I never reply, send or forward these types of emails.
I have not heard from his dad at all these months. Not one email.
I had a great relationship with them but haven't heard from them since the ex moved back.
When he first moved back, he was living with them and working for his dad. I am not sure if he is still living with them.
There was nothing personal to me on the message, like I hope you are doing well, etc.
No, I haven't received an email from his dad since last year.
When exbf moved back, he had to change cell phone companies, so he didn't have a new number for a couple weeks.
I sent him a welcome home gift, that I wanted him to receive the day he got home.
I had looked up the tracking on UPS and they said the address was not valid. Since I didn't have his new number, I sent his dad an email asking if he had received it. I had forwarded the invalid notice from UPS. He never responded.
This wasn't a mass email, it went to 4 others beside me.
This was the first time I have heard from his dad since I went N/C.
I have always been close to his parents, I would like to send back a Good to hear from you response, but since it wasn't personalized, I didn't/haven't.
I don't know how I feel.
Part of me is excited that I have finally heard from him/them but a part of me thinks that he still lives there and I still live here.
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