ok to SLAP when HAIR IS ON FIRE?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
ok to SLAP when HAIR IS ON FIRE?
30
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 1:08pm
I need some help on this issue please...
Saturday night my boyfriend of six months and I went to a party, and he proceeded to get a little drunk... well he accidentally knocked me into a tikki torch, and my hair caught on fire!!! I had hairspray in my hair, and my hair is so long, its down to the top of my butt, so it could have potentially been really bad, but fortunately I put it out quick enough. Here's the tricky part though..., in the 10 seconds that it happened, after I put it out, I turned and lightly slapped my boyfriend... in front of his two friends. I know this is a HUGE no-no, and if I could take it back, I would. But I wasnt thinking very rationally, and it was just my reaction to seeing my hair on fire, knowing it could have been really bad, and my boyfriend was the cause.
Well, he didnt take being slapped to well. He said he would rather be spit on then slapped, its such an insult, why was that my reaction, my hair isnt as important as my boyfriend, Samson and Dalila was actually brought up by one of his friends.... he continued to say all kinds of things about being slapped, not once apologizing for accidentally pushing me into the flames. I told him I didnt want to fight, and tried to walk away. Well, we ended up leaving, and called it a night. Yesterday we decided to talk about it, and he continued to try to make me feel really bad. In the grand scheme of things, the incident is not that big of a deal, but I think he is milking the situation because he has a temper himself, and this one time I lost my temper. I was supposed to go to his family's house yesterday for a BBQ, but we both decided it wasnt a good idea. The whole family was asking about me, and he made sure to tell me that today, again trying to make me feel bad. My question is, should I suck it up, and let him vent, or is he wrong to continue this, and just has anger issues? How I decide to handle this could make or break our relationship. I really care about him, but Im embarressed and hurt. I dont want him or his friends to think Im a bitch with a temper, cuz thats just not true. I dont know if I can ever face them again..We broke up once already because of his temper, but things were fine until this happened.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 1:22pm

While any kind of physical hitting is an absolute no no, I have to say I might have reacted the same way. Also, the fact that your bf didn't even apologize for setting you on fire and is more concerned with his pride, then the fact that you might have been seriously hurt may say something about him.

Having said that, if you want to diffuse the situation, did you apologize for hitting him....Something to the effect of "i'm sorry I slapped you, but you set me on fire". I think you embaressed him in front of his friends and maybe if you break the ice, he'll open up and also apologize (something he should have done in the first place).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 1:32pm
Thank you so much for your response. I did apologize very much for slapping him, and have been a mess over it. I know its a HUGE no no, and not only feel terrible, but Im mortified I did that. I take pride in my good nature, and now am questioning myself. He knows this too. I dont know if I could face his friends again either...
He does have a temper himself, so this did not help. Now Im the "bad guy". He continued to make me feel bad, even after I continued to apologize. Today he is acting like nothing happened, but Im very upset still. Should I let it go and hope he gets over it, or do you think this a bad omen? I have no desire to be in a volatile relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 3:49pm

Geez, he's acting like a baby. Yes he is milking it. Of course it was wrong to slap him, but get over it, dude- the fire was worse! Sounds like a guy I used to date... had the worst temper, always accused me of stuff I didn't do, etc etc. and it never got better. I see this as a bad omen (not to be a downer). Trust your gut. A caring, understanding guy would've been cool enough to not reemphasize how much his family was asking about you missing from the BBQ.

Things may blow over in time, but this guy sounds like he's liable to have another incident with you down the road and blame you or your "temper" for it.

Just my 2 cents!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 3:58pm
Thank you so much for your intelligent response, I appreciate it. I think you might be right about "down the road". And that is what is most important. We were both wrong, and I dont want to have to worry about stepping out of line again and feeling guilty. I learned my lesson and then some, and will never ever do that again. But as for the guilt trip, Im not sure I can deal with that now, or any other time in the future. Thank you for helping me see a little light. ;0)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 4:05pm
I hope that advice helped, I only offered it because it struck me sounding like my own past experiences. Of course you would never do it again; you sound like a thoughtful, intelligent, regretful person. You have learned your lesson and he doesn't need to keep playing it up for his own personal control games.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 12:24pm
It is human instinct to defend yourself when physically attacked.
You didn't say what you were arguing about, but you said he was drunk.
He needs to take his part in this incident and quit blaming the victim.
I agree with whomever told you to walk away from him as this may/will happen further into your relationship.
He isn't taking *his part* in the fight at all, and you had a natural reaction to being attacked.
Can you imagine that if you hadn't put the fire out and the flames had burned your face what his reaction would be? You would most likely be severely burned and scarred for life.
He most likely wouldn't have anything to do with you, and if you tried to sue him for medical bills, his folks would band together against you and make things worse for you.
He sounds like a spoiled brat..
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 2:28pm

I am so amazed at the responses here.

What I am sure about is that her reaction to the trauma was violence towards her guy. Yes, that is exactly what she described.

I have no doubt that if the tables were turned and she accidentally did anything to him and his reaction was to strike her in the face that the advice you'd give this woman would be completely different.

I'm amazed that I need to point out that any violence is wrong. Period. I don't care what happened before, whether she is a guy or a girl that is striking out. She describes it as a light slap is to try and downplay what it is, but the OP also writes and recognizes exactly what she did was wrong. She wants to be forgiven by him and you all call him a little baby because he has yet to do just that. But I'm here telling you that I would not put up with that in my relationship and I would counsel anyone I love, male or female to leave someone that shows they have the ability and willingness to strike the person they are supposed to love. There shouldn't be any second chances for her unless she has done something to show that she has addressed her anger problems. And that is what it is, she is perfectly within her rights to be angry (very angry) about what happened to her. Yet, it is her inability to control her anger that makes a risk to be with. Maybe less for him as it would be for their children, but she has shown that is within her. So, maybe I could forgive her, but I wouldn't put myself back in that situation, not after one date, or six months or six years. Just because you forgive and love someone doesn't mean you should subject yourself to violence.

I would assume that her reactions using violence will not get better before it gets worse (without professional help). That is how it goes. I'd assume that she would be willing to use the same amount of violence and more towards her children, when angered, unless she does something to learn how to control her anger and use it to express how she feels without using violence.

This double standard is appalling to me.




Edited 7/25/2006 2:29 pm ET by lled2
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 2:38pm

I never said what she did was right- of course slapping someone is not "ok". I just think his actions after that were a bit immature- reiterating that his family was asking about her, not apologizing for his part- hello! She apologized, regretted her actions and seemed genuinely sorry for what she did. What else do you want? I'd be more afraid of what *he* is capable of doing if he's dragging this out, using it to his advantage vs. what she *may* be capable of doing, what you suggested - hitting her kids, etc.

I based my response on my own personal experience- I dated a guy who had traits like her boyfriend. Forty years old going on 13- and acted in just this way. I wouldn't want anyone putting more time in a relationship like that when all the warning signs are there just based on her story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 2:48pm

Well, I do agree with one thing you said:

::I wouldn't want anyone putting more time in a relationship like that when all the warning signs are there just based on her story.

To answer your question, "What else do you want?"

I'd want her to go to some type of anger management. Either together or on her own so that I felt I had some hope that she won't just strike out in violence the next time she feels so much anger and/or shock.

What is that saying about an idiot expecting different results from the same situation? If you move forward in a relationship after someone shows they are capable of using violence and you expect a different result in the future just because they tell you they won't do it again, you are an idiot. Something else must be done differently for the expected outcome to be any different in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 4:09pm

Anger and shock are two entirely different things. Responding out of shock is responding with your primitive brain, exclusive of the neocortex where rationalization and thinking take place. From her story I didn't get a sense of whether she slapped him immediately whithout thinking about it (reflexive response with no emotional thought) OR conciously got angry and embarrased and then slapped him . For me, violence from anger is unacceptable, and I would understand how he would not even want to be with her anymore. But I could see how he should be entirely forgiving if she did it out of shock. I'm not saying its okay to physically hurt someone and use the excuse that you're shocked, but I don't think it physically hurt him as much as it hurt his ego because his friends were watching. I wonder what would have happened if this happened at home in their bedroom with a candle flame...

I think they were both embarassed and angry. She was because he could've seriously harmed her. Instead, he embarassed and put her through a fight or flight response by scaring the hell out of her. Maybe he helped her put it out, maybe he just stood and watched. He is now angry because he got slapped in front of his friends. His part was clearly an accident, i'd like to know if she thoght slapping him was an accident.

You're right that the responses would be different if the tables were turned. I think that the social norm of violence towards women has something to do with it. And because 1 in 3 women will be an innocent victim of violence in her life, few must think the man is caused physical debilitating pain by a woman slapping him lightly. It doesn't sound to me like she is the dominant one in this relationship.

Enough talk about violence. Using marshall rosenberg's NonViolent Communication, I suggest her saying something like this to her boyfriend:

"I notice that we have not forgiven each other for the other night at the party. I felt frightend for my life when I was on fire. I felt uncared for because you did not acknowledge that it was a mistake and apolgize or show compassion. Can you say sorry in order to apologize and sincerely express sympathy?"

Try not to blame him, just try to come to a compassionate place of understanding as humans. And stop apologizing until he does, when you do so much it loses significance, especially when you want him to say the same in return. I think he gets it by now.

Pages