i think you'll drive yourself crazy if you assume things. i'd want to call just to stop all the guessing. four days is a long time if the routine is daily. if it's bothering you this much, i'd say just get it over with and call or text once. waiting is agonizing.
Actually, your situation vaguely reminds me of someone I know. Her boyfriend is one of those macho men that can't ever look bad in front of his football players. And that's all I"ll say about that.
Anyways, like dozens of people have stressed, she gave him space. She gave him a LOT of space after he gave her the macho "i'm too cool to talk to you" and hung up (not just once, but a few times). She was completely unfazed when that happened. In her mind, if he could be bothered to talk to her when she called him, she'd make sure she was ALWAYS too busy when he wanted to talk. She refused to take his calls, went out, did her own thing. It took a a few weeks, but she (for lack of a better phrase) taught him his place eventually. He's learned to promptly return her calls now (even after 4 years together) because he's gotten a good taste of what space can REALLY be like and plus he's learned that she can drop him like a hot potato and never look back.
Not that this is a mirror of your situation, but can't hurt to try.
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
Ok, question for you: How long has it been and is there any reason you're going to the conclusion that he doesn't want to talk to you vs. he can't talk to you for some reason?
Just to give you an example, my ex, the one I've mentioned to you before, has a really nasty habit of falling off the face of the earth as far as phone calls when he leaves town for business. When he's here, no problem, he's all over it, but let him leave for work, and it's crickets. However, he keeps in contact in teeny ways, like text baseball scores or he'll email me some funny little thing almost each day. So while we don't talk, I know that I'm on his mind somehow. That lets me know 1. he's thinking of me, and 2. he's okay. Now, is there a possibility that your boyfriend might not be *able* to contact you?
If you're still freaking out about space, then honestly, I don't think you get the concept as well as you could be. If you got it, you'd literally be out doing other things, following through on plans, and even being at home you'd be concentrating on yourself. Did you ever take that bubble bath I prescribed? ;) The girl that Susanna described, now that girl understood it. And finally, I'm still thinking you might get a whole lot further if you concentrate on the feelings brought up recently about your parents, as incredibly hard as that might be. I think you might be trying to distract yourself from the feelings of abandonment and even putting them on your boyfriend.
zjaney, you must know by now I think you're a terrific chica. When I asked if there might be anything preventing him from calling you, I meant in the sense of him being in an accident. I don't like to freak out already-freaked-out people, but you missed that euphemism, apparently. Sheesh. One way I know for a fact that my dude is 'okay' is because his sister or parents would definitely call me if something had happened. Do you have a reassurance like that in place?
Apart from that, a few notes: It's not cool to keep someone wondering just because or to "test" someone, although I totally get the mentality behind it.
It's not cool to not call just because you've dug in your heels.
The point of being a strong person in a relationship, one who can hold their own, is not being someone who needs to be told "space is coming" for it to be okay and not freak-out-inducing. Your reaction shuld be more along the lines of "Oh, he seems to be taking space, well, I'm doing my nails"
This bothers me: ....."It's odd that we were going along better than ever in the sense, talking more, seeing each other a little more often, (and at least for me/ I thought for him) feeling more secure, feelings growing."..... This is the first time I hear since you've been back that the closeness between you two hasn't been a statement of fact from him, but rather an assumption on your part based on time spent together. That's a dangerous place to put yourself in.
I'm going to guess FF is firefighter? I think you're reading too much into the "camaraderie" statement he made and I wouldn't use it as a comparison tool between his relationship with you and his relationship with his team/squad. And if he is a firefighter, then it all of a sudden makes more sense to me that he'd want to gauge your reaction to him not being in contact, although to "test" that is not cool. DO you have a way to find out or be notified in the event something happened to him, or are you content to just find out by happenstance? You've definitely been back together for the better part of a year now, yes?
What I meant when I mentioned your feelings of abandonment, your feelings about your parents, I meant I think you need to focus on those and not on your boyfriend right now. Seems you have lots bigger fish to fry there and avoiding those feelings is helping make the rest of your life miserable.
If you've been doing nothing but posting on the boards about this and driving yourself nuts since Sunday, then that's part of your problem right there, much as I like conversin' with ya ;) Get outside and have a life, please. If you were, you wouldn't have nearly as much time to worry about this and drive yourself crazy. And picking up the phone to see how his week was wouldn't seem like the Great Wall of China.
At this point, I know you're champing at the bit to call him, so call him. Find out if he's still got all his fingers and toes. Oh yeah, hint: Don't tell him that's the reason you're calling. Just say hi. At some point you're gonna have to tell him it doesn't feel good when a week goes by without communication of any type. See what he says. Part of the eason Susanna's frind was able to do her hing, was because she had a way of knowing he was okay during his pull-away thing.
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Actually, your situation vaguely reminds me of someone I know. Her boyfriend is one of those macho men that can't ever look bad in front of his football players. And that's all I"ll say about that.
Anyways, like dozens of people have stressed, she gave him space. She gave him a LOT of space after he gave her the macho "i'm too cool to talk to you" and hung up (not just once, but a few times). She was completely unfazed when that happened. In her mind, if he could be bothered to talk to her when she called him, she'd make sure she was ALWAYS too busy when he wanted to talk. She refused to take his calls, went out, did her own thing. It took a a few weeks, but she (for lack of a better phrase) taught him his place eventually. He's learned to promptly return her calls now (even after 4 years together) because he's gotten a good taste of what space can REALLY be like and plus he's learned that she can drop him like a hot potato and never look back.
Not that this is a mirror of your situation, but can't hurt to try.
Thanks to you both for your replies.
Ok, question for you: How long has it been and is there any reason you're going to the conclusion that he doesn't want to talk to you vs. he can't talk to you for some reason?
Just to give you an example, my ex, the one I've mentioned to you before, has a really nasty habit of falling off the face of the earth as far as phone calls when he leaves town for business. When he's here, no problem, he's all over it, but let him leave for work, and it's crickets. However, he keeps in contact in teeny ways, like text baseball scores or he'll email me some funny little thing almost each day. So while we don't talk, I know that I'm on his mind somehow. That lets me know 1. he's thinking of me, and 2. he's okay. Now, is there a possibility that your boyfriend might not be *able* to contact you?
If you're still freaking out about space, then honestly, I don't think you get the concept as well as you could be. If you got it, you'd literally be out doing other things, following through on plans, and even being at home you'd be concentrating on yourself. Did you ever take that bubble bath I prescribed? ;) The girl that Susanna described, now that girl understood it. And finally, I'm still thinking you might get a whole lot further if you concentrate on the feelings brought up recently about your parents, as incredibly hard as that might be. I think you might be trying to distract yourself from the feelings of abandonment and even putting them on your boyfriend.
Hugs.
>>>I think you might be trying to distract yourself from the feelings of abandonment and even putting them on your boyfriend.<<<
Yes, I definitely agree with that statement.
zjaney, you must know by now I think you're a terrific chica. When I asked if there might be anything preventing him from calling you, I meant in the sense of him being in an accident. I don't like to freak out already-freaked-out people, but you missed that euphemism, apparently. Sheesh. One way I know for a fact that my dude is 'okay' is because his sister or parents would definitely call me if something had happened. Do you have a reassurance like that in place?
Apart from that, a few notes:
It's not cool to keep someone wondering just because or to "test" someone, although I totally get the mentality behind it.
It's not cool to not call just because you've dug in your heels.
The point of being a strong person in a relationship, one who can hold their own, is not being someone who needs to be told "space is coming" for it to be okay and not freak-out-inducing. Your reaction shuld be more along the lines of "Oh, he seems to be taking space, well, I'm doing my nails"
This bothers me: ....."It's odd that we were going along better than ever in the sense, talking more, seeing each other a little more often, (and at least for me/ I thought for him) feeling more secure, feelings growing."..... This is the first time I hear since you've been back that the closeness between you two hasn't been a statement of fact from him, but rather an assumption on your part based on time spent together. That's a dangerous place to put yourself in.
I'm going to guess FF is firefighter? I think you're reading too much into the "camaraderie" statement he made and I wouldn't use it as a comparison tool between his relationship with you and his relationship with his team/squad. And if he is a firefighter, then it all of a sudden makes more sense to me that he'd want to gauge your reaction to him not being in contact, although to "test" that is not cool. DO you have a way to find out or be notified in the event something happened to him, or are you content to just find out by happenstance? You've definitely been back together for the better part of a year now, yes?
What I meant when I mentioned your feelings of abandonment, your feelings about your parents, I meant I think you need to focus on those and not on your boyfriend right now. Seems you have lots bigger fish to fry there and avoiding those feelings is helping make the rest of your life miserable.
If you've been doing nothing but posting on the boards about this and driving yourself nuts since
Sunday, then that's part of your problem right there, much as I like conversin' with ya ;) Get outside and have a life, please. If you were, you wouldn't have nearly as much time to worry about this and drive yourself crazy. And picking up the phone to see how his week was wouldn't seem like the Great Wall of China.
At this point, I know you're champing at the bit to call him, so call him. Find out if he's still got all his fingers and toes. Oh yeah, hint: Don't tell him that's the reason you're calling. Just say hi. At some point you're gonna have to tell him it doesn't feel good when a week goes by without communication of any type. See what he says. Part of the eason Susanna's frind was able to do her hing, was because she had a way of knowing he was okay during his pull-away thing.
Thanks.
I might be missing something here so forgive me if so...but has he asked you for space this time around, or are you just assuming he's taking some?
Uhhhmmmmm.... because I can be a goofball sometimes who has a tendency to overanalyze, especially when under way too much emotional stress?!?!???
Ok, I called yesterday afternoon.
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