OMG~first email from X since divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
OMG~first email from X since divorce
6
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 4:37pm

I received my first email since our divorce alittle over a month ago from my Ex late Wednesday night...I about flew back in my chair and the top of my head tightened up..OMG. Whats funny is he still writes the same kinds of emails. He still blames me because I left after 4 months of marriage..WELL thats because he put us through HELL. He just does not get what he has done..I don't know if its a denial thing...I would have NEVER of left I LOVED THAT MAN SO MUCH.We were married for almost 2 yrs, and I continued to see him, but only lived with him for a total of 5 months.

We had the same huge intense chemistry for each other and I have read that, that usually comes once in a life time. After our divorce he wanted to have a date-like relationship with me for forever or until my teenage boys moved out on there own and maybe remarry (I would never remarry him)and when I asked him about that dating thing just before our divorce he told me NO...I emailed him only one time back on Sept. 7.

Anyways here is his email to me:

<<<<<<>>>>>>>

I'm thinking YES, he does want me to respond, thats why he asked open ended questions. This is SO his style..Kind of a strange email..WHAT'S YOUR THOUGHTS..Thanks Victoria

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 5:16pm

Victoria, you posted this on several boards a day or two ago, you were advised by a number of different posters that focusing on why he sent it, what he wants, etc is unhealthy, and yet you're posting the same thing again on other boards today. You are free to do that of course, but I'm just curious as to what sort of response you are looking for? Are you trying to find someone who will say it's ok to respond to him?

You mentioned on another board that you had a counseling appt...how did that go? I'm curious about what your counselor had to say about focusing so much on your ex rather than trying to move on?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 6:59pm

Sheri is right, you should not reply to the email.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 6:54am
Do not reply..that is my suggestion. It will re engage you two and get the dynamics going again. You must have left for some reason. NC is the best advise this board and I can offer. Best of luck in your healing process. It's a day by day thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 9:27am

Hey Sheri,

When I went to see my counselor at church he told me to first take care of myself and the boys and to give it some time. If I want to email him back to not touch base on the negative in the email (which the email was negative, always is...boo hoo, whoa is me, you left me kind of thing) To keep it light and brief and positive.

I think I was really only wondering about his email was : How did you interpret it. Given all the open ended questions and then him saying you don't have to respond, I don't look for communication from you anymore as it use to dominate my whole being...OH BROTHER, give me a tissue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 12:32pm

It's a roller coaster isn't it, V? I can relate. One day I can maintain no contact the other I call 4 times a day. I know for sure it's over. I know for sure he is having a fling. I know for sure I need to grieve and maintain no contact. It's a battle daily.

Rather than focus on THEM, focus on us..for me time with friends and family helps. I had a therapy session and got my haircut. This is my new adventure in life being single. Sure I miss him to death but I also have now a new op for a new life and well, part of me is slightly excited..

Peace..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 6:01am

You are like me. You want to take the email and phone calls and analyze them up and down, inside out. "How did he feel", "What did he mean"...and so on...This is where we lose sight of OUR needs and make it all about them.

What do you need? How do you feel? What can you do for YOU?

That is what I am trying to focus on. I head home today and am sad as I know he will not be there. I am sad that I need to spend less time at his home (he lives in another city but comes home the 7th for a week) as I adore his family but they can come to my house. I am HAPPY that I no longer need to deal with the stuff that was not good: his moods, his control, his life goals that were not in sync with mine. I will focus on my friends, work and my new house I just built....

Move on..No contact, see a therapist and surround yourself with loving friends.