One Month of NC .... Ups and Downs ...

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
One Month of NC .... Ups and Downs ...
13
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 2:06pm

So I made it to one month ... and yesterday night I felt really sad. I've noticed lately that my feelings go up and down. I'll feel good and positive for three to four days and then swing back to sad and depressed, missing him, longing, wondering if I made the right decision. I think one thing that set me back yesterday was hoping he would call. I don't know why I was hoping he'd call. Maybe I thought that since a month had gone by he would wonder how I was doing. When he didn't call I really hurt. I realize the whole thing is irrational, but that's feelings for you.

So now what?

I guess I was hoping he would call because the last time we spoke, on June 6, he suggested we could email for a month. I agreed to that even though I didn't think it would get us anywhere. The next day and the one after that and the one after that I expected to get an email from him, but he never wrote. And I never wrote either. So I guess I've always felt like he sort of left me hanging, saying we should write, but then being unwilling to make the first move. Why would someone do that? Is it because he didn't want to say a final good bye? I guess I'm overthinking this ...

I just really miss him sometimes. I miss our cat, his dog, going to his country house, the great meals he used to cook, his family. I miss all of them, and I'm quite sure I won't meet anyone ever again. Like some of the women here, who have already been asked out and who have other men interested in them, I don't. Most men have just never really been attracted to me. I think I'm pretty but most people just don't. I've had to live with that all my life ...

So, I have reached a month and I should be celebrating for having gotten this far, but I just feel lousy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 10:07pm

Hey there...
Wow...I really am sorry you are feeling so down. I am noticing that it comes in waves for me as well. For a few days I feel pretty okay and think things are getting better and then my feelings bite me in the ass and I am depressed again for some time. I think it is perfectly normal to still have those feelings, even though I am just now getting used to them myself. It is good to know you realize that one month of NC is a very big achievement, even though it may not feel like it is. I don't have the best advice to give, as I am still all confused within my own situation, but you seem to give so much great support to me and everyone else on these boards. The only thing I do want to say (and this is easier said than done) is that you need to stop thinking you won't ever find someone again. I know I don't know you in "real life", but that doesn't matter...you should stop thinking that way, because if that is what you believe, that is what other people will start to believe, and it is totally untrue. You WILL meet someone else. Who knows how long it will take for any of us, no matter how much confidence we have in ourselves...but you WILL.

Just breathe.

Avatar for freckpp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 10:31pm

Hi iamdelightful,


I'm new to the board, but maybe I can offer a little insight into your situation as I've been where you were a few months back...


You SHOULD feel good about yourself for having made it one whole month.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2005
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 2:11am

Hey. I just wanted to say I know how you feel. Thursday was 4 weeks since my guy dumped me. I was doing ok earlier, but tonight I am REALLY missing him. I have not contacted him, and he hasn't contacted me. I am really missing him, and I feel so lonely right now. I have my days where I am doing great, but the last couple of days have been really bad. I am missing him so much right now.

I am here if you need me. Email me through my profile. We can get through this together.

Shelly

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 11:05am

Hey girl:

I understand that you are feeling sad and lonely as I have been feeling the same way. And it is quiet normal to think about him and still miss him. But it has been a month already, and you will feel better as time passes by, and one day, you will realize that you don't even care if he calls or not. Remember that he is just a passenger for your life journey and you will be experiencing so much more excitement in life. Let him go and give a closure within yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 11:57am

Well congratulations on the one month! I was thinking about this and thought it was kind of funny how slowly time can go when we're all trying to just add 'one more day' to our no contact total. As if we think that by reaching some fixed number of days, we'll all wake up healed and well and look back on it all with fondness for the good times but realize that we did the right thing etc.

Well, at least that's how I feel sometimes. And I know it's crap, because (like you I suspect) I tend to 'feel' more than 'think' and math or deadlines rarely factor into matters of the heart.

That's so strange that he suggested emailing and then was silent as a churchmouse. I hate when guys (or anyone really) says one thing and does another. This might have been easier for you if he had just said: I really want to have no contact for a while, even if it would have hurt so bad in the moment. It's that false hope he gave you that makes it more annoying (for you - not me - I'm just angry for the situation). The expectation that you'll hear from him - that he wants to talk to you - and then having that expectation crash to the ground. It seems pretty jerk-y that he couldn't follow through on that. I mean - if there's a low-pressure way to contact someone, email has got to be it. With the ability to say exactly what you want to say, edit as necessary or save it for days before finally sending it - there's really no excuse.

Okay, I've gone on about that long enough. It just burns me.

I've read that email you sent me about a hundred times - the one where you tell me I was right in doing what I did and although his little ways of disappointing me were not the worst things he could have done, they added up to a hugely disappointing relationship which is not what I'm put here on this earth to settle for. (I'm paraphrasing, but I think you know what I'm talking about)

I think there will always be things that we miss about our exes. If they were horrible through and through, we wouldn't have fallen in love with them. We're not idiots. I won't try to talk you out of missing the good things. The good things were good and deserve to be remembered. I look back on the good things that I had with my ex and then the next immediate thought is of the bad things - or even just that the good things were tinged with my feeling insecure and lonely. It's like I look back on them and miss him so much for those moments and have to kick my perverbial butt to stop thinking I'll never have good moments again.

As for meeting someone new, i don't have any advice there. I'm not a social person by nature, so I understand what you mean by not having a herd of men waiting in the wings. Maybe that just makes this whole break-up thing that much harder - that we've found ourselves going from something that was pretty-good-but-not-perfect to nothing-at-all. I don't know what to say there except this: I get it.

L

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 1:14pm
Thanks for the encouragement. I'm feeling a lot better now than I was when I wrote that post. Your words of encouragement really helped. I WILL meet someone else. It's important to believe that because as you said on another post, Belief creates reality.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 1:17pm
Thanks for your support and all your good suggestions. I especially like the suggestion about setting aside time to wallow. I'm not sure I can actually implement that but I'm certainly going to consider it. I'm also going to start working on that list of good things about myself. It's good to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Thanks again for the great post. When I first read it I was still down and it helped pick me up.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 1:18pm
Thanks, Shelly. It's good to know that what I'm feeling is normal and that other people who broke up at around the same time are also going through ups and downs ...
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 1:22pm

Thanks, L. When I read your post what really stood out for me was that last line: I get it, and I really believe that you do. Reading that helped me immensely. It also helped me that you understood how utterly annoying the emailing thing was. I mean here I was set up to wait ... and I waited for days to hear from him ... then I realized that he did not mean it. Or he meant it at the time but then changed his mind. Or he meant we could email but I should go first and so on. It just struck me as an utterly cowardly way to end the relationship. I think he did it because he didn't want to face a final good bye, so the expectation of some more contact the next day was the only way he could get off the phone ... but then he couldn't actually bring himself to email. Of course, it's just as well and for the best, and I really shouldn't be dwelling on it. But I probably will, on and off, for some time. That's just how I'm made.

I won't go on any more. Thanks again for being there for me. Always feel free to email me if you need to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 3:46pm

I am approaching my one month mark of NC this week and it is still very painful. Today is not a good day for me but my emotions are on a roller coaster ride just like yours. While at work today, I was on the verge of tears so I left my office, got in my car, and drove around to get a good cry out. Now that I am back in my office, I feel a little better but the pain is still there. You and I are going to have up and down days for awhile and that is just part of getting over a painful breakup. It sounds like you are still looking for answers on why this happened to you and I am in the same boat. My ex just stopped returning my calls almost four weeks ago and it is hard to accept that it is over since I don't know why he did this. Hang in there! You and I will meet someone else down the road who will treat us a lot better than our ex. It is just going to take some time for our heart to heal but once it heals, there will be someone out there for us.

Take Care and Hugs!

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