one nighter...
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| Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:58pm |
Things have been getting better...I found myself thinking about my x-b less and less. I'd sometimes encounter emotional breakdowns and whatnot---but for the most part I felt like I was starting to re-gain my life.
On Saturday night I went to a half-way to St. Paddy's day celebration at my favorite Pub. My friend and I were hanging out with a group of guys from Scottland. Long story short...I really hit if off with one of them. He was so adorable! ( A lot of you will think less of me for this...but I ended up sleeping with him). He was my first one-night stand, and I'm not as freaked out about it as I thought I'd be. It was really sweet and it got rid of a lot of built up "frustrations" that I had. I spent all day Sunday with him and his mates, and got home this morning just in time to go to work and for him to leave for the airport.
On Sunday morning while we were in bed...I accidently called him my x-b's name. He was concerned about it bc/ he thought that I didn't even know his name. I felt really bad, but at the same time it just felt natural. We agreed to keep in touch through e-mail, but I doubt that we will.
I checked on the online dating service that my x-b is on, and it said he's been active in the past 3 days. I guess we both moved on...he obviously did with the turn on events that lead to our breakup, but it just felt really weird and it made me feel sad.
Is the way I'm feeling normal? I have come to conclusion that I'll probably always have a place for him in my heart bc/ he was my first love---but I don't want to feel this way.
I should be feeling happier----I've been on two job interviews in the past week, and I have another one lined up for Wed. at a private school ( which is the one that I really want). All of these new things are happening in my life, and I sometimes wish that I could share them with him. Pathetic, huh?
As for the one night stand---I never thought I'd have one. I've always saved sex for relationships ( before my x- I wasn't with anyone for over a year). Now I wonder how I could've waited so long! -LOL! On a more serious note---I know that I was acting on impulse. Although it was a lot of fun- it didn't mean anything, but it felt good to be wanted so much.
I don't know what else to say about any of this---any advice would help, please.

Thanks for coming back to tell us how you're doing. You don't sound the least bit pathetic to me.
(Since the break up---I have never called the ex)---But for some reason I really felt like hearing his voice. I was going to call and hang up on his answering machine. Anyway, when I called him number the operator said "this number is no longer in service." I felt really sad bc/ it just hit me- I can't care anymore.
There were a few other factors that lead to me wanting to hear his voice...You see---today was my friend's b-day. He died in a car accident about a year ago ( early Nov). His parents had a rememberance b-day party for him, and I couldn't bring myself to go. He and I had known each other for a little over a year ( his little brother used to be in my classroom). A couple of weeks before he died we had hit this point in our friendship where we both decided that we really liked each other. We kissed a couple of times and was in the process of figuring things out. The night of the accident I was mad at him for breaking plans with me on the previous night, and so when he called I denied his call. He called me at 12:30am and he died at 4:30am. I know that I am not over his death bc/ a part of me feels guilty about how things between us were left. When I was at his funeral I saw all his family and friends. I felt like of all these people he knew, he wanted to be with me-and I didn't even answer his call.
I guess that I am just feeling really heartbroken and lonely. I have lots of friends, but I still feel like there's something missing. When I was with my xb he used to make me feel so safe, and he promised to always be there for me. I feel like I need him now---and I have no idea where he's at. I think he might have moved back home. Even if he could just be here with me tonight---I miss laying in bed with him and the sense of security that I felt when I was with him. I also really miss my friend and I don't think that I can ever forgive myself for how things happened.
I should be feeling happier by now---I got the job at the private school, which I am so happy about. I kind of miss sharing my life with him.
I am really messed up right now...and on Monday I go to the doc's to see if I have cervical cancer. I kept trying to convince myself that Guinness and dancing would make me feel better, but once it wears off---I am back in the same place where I began.
I never had any closure with my friend or my xb. I feel like I am just this walking open wound---like I am just wandering around looking for something to fill this void in my heart. I don't regret the one night stand with the guy from Scottland- but I kind of wish I was with someone who I cared about.
Thanks for listening...I don't know what else to say or do anymore. Please help = ).