One sided break up

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
One sided break up
3
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 2:12pm
I was in a realthionship for about 9months, about 3 months into the relationshp he cheated on me, but after I found out he expressed that he cared about me and want us to work things out if I could forgive him and that I was what he wanted and not the other woman.So I forgave him and did my best not to make sarcastic remarks when he couldnt be reached or about what he did all day and if he was alone.So for about a month it was obvious he was really working on the realtionship he has 2kids and we were all always together,called me all the time,but he still kept the girls#(one he cheated on me with) and i would get upset about it every now and then so he fnally broke up with me (about month after I found out about the cheating)when I told him he should get rid of her #. We were broke up for about a week and a half and he called said he missed me and cared about me and wanted to work things out. Again things were good,we even talked about what if we moved in together how it would work.. again spet lots of time w/him and his kids we even went on a mini family vacation (both our kids)it was great spending time w/family and friends.. then It happend, about a week and half ago I made the mistake and told him that I think I love him, but I told him he didnt have to say anything right now cause I realize he may not be there yet,he did say he did have feelings for me and saw the relationship going some where, loved being with me and yada yada..I said I just thought maybe you would know how you felt by now but if you at least know you do have feelings for me then im ok and we can see where things will go.
well a this past week we got into a discussion because I asked a question about myspace (I thought he had an account w/out telling me which is a bid deal since he has already cheated on me)he denied it. Then the next moring..all the sudden he said that he wasnt sure what it was he was feeling for me.. so he thought it would be best if we stoped seeing each other.(by the way he does deny that he is not cheating again) Now he says he still has feelings for me and wants to be with me but he just dont know what it is he is feeling for me and says that he thinks he should know by now weather or not he loves me or not.. but says all he knows is that he does care and does have feelings but not sure what they are. So naturally he wants to still be friends after I have had some time,and wants us to be able to go to movies and hang out dinner you know spend time together. I just dont understand how he can go from having feelings to I dont know what I feel so we should end the relationship. My question is.. do I hold hope that he will figure out what his feelings really are and stay friends in mean time (knowing the whole time I hope we will get back together), or do I just walk away.. and hope he calls to say he made a mistake. I know one thing regret ever telling him I love him. Do ya think maybe he is just scared of his feelings???
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 2:55pm

Hi sadandconfused2007 and welcome to the board,


Most couple's cannot over come the betrayal of cheating and rebuild trust without counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 3:01pm

No doubt someone else will have a much better (and more mature) answer than I have, but my take on this...

" I know one thing regret ever telling him I love him. Do ya think maybe he is just scared of his feelings???"

Perhaps I'm wrong, but why is it that we have to play games and be ashamed of what we're feeling? I told my last boyfriend that I loved him early into the relationship. And his reply was "I don't love you yet, but that means a lot to me". He didn't bolt.

Just judging from your letter, I think you should break it off with him. Break it off so YOU can move on instead of being stuck on this relationship/non relationship limbo you've put yourself in. I did it for a week, and believe me, making a clean break of it is going to save you loads of pain in the long run. He's said "I dont know what I feel so we should end the relationship". I think that's pretty clear. If he thought the relationship was going anywhere, he would have stuck with it and tried to work it out. The fact that he has feelings but ENDED IT means that there's some serious doubts. Also...most men who want to repair a relationship after infidelity don't let that the OW's number hang around their phone for often. He should be on his knees BEGGING your forgiveness after his cheating and making an effort to regain your trust, not breaking up with you.

As for the friends thing...worst thing you can do for youself is bounce around after him. IN the least spiteful way possible, why not cut him off? By going to the movies and such with him, you're letting him date you without DATING you. Why should he get all the perks of a girlfriend without the responsibilities of a relationship? Cut him off from your company, let him miss you, and he'll come to that decision about his unknown feelings a heck of a lot faster than if you let him float in that friendship but not-friendship bliss.

And you know..walking away is going to be tough, but I think you can do it. Walk away and if he comes to the conclusion he still wants to be with you, he'll come pelting down after you. and if he doesn't, at least you'll be well on your way to healing.

cheers

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 11:13pm

Couldn't have said it better myself!!!!

Listen to unicorn's advice, its good!

From my past experiences with this type of issue with my BF, WALK AWAY!!! I told him all or nothing, was dying of a broken heart, but ten days of NC from me, he came crawling back with, OK, ALL!!! He admitted that if I did continue a casual relationship with him, being friends, etc... he would not have made the effort he did make, it would have made everything easier for him, not having to put effort into the relationship because I was allowing him to downgrade my relationship status. He said he respects me more knowing that respect myself, not to let him get away with any BS. Show him you are special, and if he doesn't want you, I am sure someone else will. Good luck, let us know what happens.

hugs,
weez