One Week of Heartache

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
One Week of Heartache
5
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 9:09am

It's been a little over a week since my boyfriend broke up with me. I guess it was a mutual decision, he had been unsure about us for about a few weeks and I told him I couldn't wait any longer. We are both in our mid-twenties, however I was his first love and he was afraid to commit without ever having had another relationship. Our relationship has always been really good, so I was crushed to hear that. On a rational note, I was glad that he was being honest with me and wasn't diving into marriage without being completely prepared. At first I tried to tell him how much I loved him, but then I realized that he already knew that and if I truly loved him, I'd let him do what he thinks would make him happy. I started packing and completely distanced myself physically and emotionally.

A week later things are a little better, but it's the first step in a long journey. I'm just happy to be at the point where I can keep food down and not cry 15 times a day. I feel like he's at the point where I was a week ago. At first he was trying to be supportive because he felt so bad about hurting me, but now he's really breaking down. We live together, but we live in a big house and rarely even see each other. Last night he was watching TV downstairs and I was watching TV in the office on the second floor and I could hear him crying through a vent in the floor. It was so sad to hear. He was not feeling well enough to go to work yesterday, so he worked from home and while I was in the office I saw that he had been scribbling my first name with his last name, as though we were married. He'd write "Mrs. ..." then "Mr. and Mrs. ..." over and over. That made me cry. Finally before we went to bed (separate bedrooms, obviously), I asked him how he was doing and he said, "horrible, I'm afraid I'll regret this decision for the rest of my life, but I just have no clue what I should do." I told him that we were both going to be fine, even if the next few months are really rough and told it would be easier when I was out of the house. He told me he did not want me to go, but I know I have to because there's nothing I can do about him not having a previous relationship and I'm afraid it's not something that's just going to go away. AGH! I hate this so much!!

This is really hard for me. I can deal with my own sadness, but when I hear him crying and seeing the pain he's going through, it hurts me so deeply. I understand that none of this is my fault, but I also know how guilty he feels and how sad he is and I'm having a hard time with that. I've filled up my weekend and am looking at a couple of places I could potentially move, so I think I'm taking steps in the right direction. But it's so difficult...




Edited 4/1/2005 10:20 am ET ET by unsurewhat2do
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 12:05pm

That must be really really hard living together. I really feel for you. It sounds like he is having major regrets. I'm not much help myself. I just had my boyfriend break up with me last nite. It sounds like he is unsure because he has no past relationship history, which you said. Maybe he feels insecure because what if he is feeling isnt true. I'd keep doing what you are doing. Soon he may say he wants to get back together. Be careful. Follow your heart.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:48pm

Here's some insight.

It is absolutely normal and natural and right that people have this period of grieving and loss....because that is what this is.

But not about what most people believe it is.

First, there is a ton of convenience, options, emotional support, financial assistance, social status and intertwining, benefits, and so forth that a relationship brings to your life. Even in bad relationships where one person swears the other NEVER did anything nice or considerate.....you'll break up and move on and find yourself turning to him at the gas station in the passengers seat when he's not there - because he always pumped the gas. Just an example.

So what he's missing is all the ease, benefits, luxuries, conveniences, and options of being "with you 100%".

He'd love those things back. It'd make both your lives easier to have someone to rely on and assist with things.

There is a "future" that was envisioned - however vaguely that is now not possible to have and achieve, at least right now, and without reinvestment in that future with someone else. Another loss to grieve.

So never take someone's sorrow or tears over a break up to mean "I love you so much and I am grieving that you absolutely are the best thing in the world and I have lost out on the honor of affiliating with someone of your character and caliber."

Take that sorrow and tears and depressed attitude to be precisely waht itis.....what I envisioned, wanted, had and didn't realize was so interconnected to "me" as an individual is now lost and I'm figure out restructue and that is work and man, this is just so inconvenient.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 4:00pm
Wow, Erin that was very very good. That makes alot of sense. That explains alot of tears alot of people have cried. Its not the love so much as the convenience and rut we get into. We just get used to these people being in our lives.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 4:42pm
The hardest part of the break-up, for me, has been losing a best FRIEND. So, yeah, I totally agree with Erin and Vivacious. I mean, who do you call when you're frustrated with tax forms (etc.) now ...? suddenly, you've lost the connection to your friend, not just the person you loved, and that's VERY hard to get over (at least, for me).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 5:46pm
flutegirl, I totally agree with you!