This one will make you ANGRY
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| Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:27pm |
so if you've been keeping up with my breakup you know I was dealing with a very immature selfish man, something that doubleblade helped me understand and see.
this is going to be long - but i want to rant for a moment because I cannot believe this.
8 weeks ago, my boyfriend cheated on me. I didn't find out until a little later but had my suspicions. I asked and watched his expression and reactions and decided that he was lying to me. Funny thing is I had a dream that he cheated on me and told him down to the exact eye/hair color of the girl and where I thought they met. I did something bad. I snooped in his stuff and found out the real truth. He had sex with another woman and had started a email "friendship" with another one. We all know that once someone starts to email/call that that is the beginning of some sort of a relationship no matter WHAT the other person says.
I told him about looking at his email - that's when we had the fight about him lying, and I walked out of his life. I didn't tell him about looking at his travel journal - the one where I found out he actually slept with another woman. I guess I figured...things were all ready screwed up so..shrugs.
So yeah I got busted this past weekend. teh. Stupidly I told a friend who in a drunken stupor let it out and just dominoed from there. So the next day I fessed up, called him and told him yes I looked at your journal as well because you were not being upfront with me. I know that it was/is completely wrong, I've OWNED this and accept complete responsibilty for my actions - so don't come down on me too hard for this. I know it was wrong. I told him that I've never snooped in any of hig things ever before but I felt that b/c he wasn't being honest and...I did it. :-/ I told him I didn't tell him b/c I just felt at this point it would add more fuel to the fire so I kept it. I guess I had no idea it would come out too months later, but that's karma right? As I said I accept it.
However, here's the kicker. This man started to turn the tables on me. Went off on me. Said how he lost his trust in me and how me snooping was the cause of him cheating on me! And the cause of him being pushed further into woman #2's arms. If I had played it kool then he might have decided differently but because I did this and flipped out when I found out, I caused it. He tried to blame me for the entire thing. And would not take any of the blame himself.
He ALSO said that I should have tried to work things out at the house better. That "WE" had high hopes for you and "WE" wanted you to move in and "WE thought you would contribute to the household and what could you have done to make the best out of the living situation. And I told him that I could have moved because I didn't think this relationship should have been about how well I got along with him and the 55 year old codependent roommate but apparently...I was wrong. WE weren't in a relationship. They were.
Honestly, I still had slight hope for us, even though he cheated I thought we could work on it. But when he kept saying "WE" it turned me off him completely. My eyes opened more than they have ever been in this entire situation.
He said that I would need to prove to him that I can be trusted if that is possible if there is any chance of a future whether that be companionship or friendship...He said that he was shocked and appalled by my actions.
Remember, I snooped b/c I thought and found out he was cheating on me. Not anytime before.
Fine. We hung up and he said that he would need some time to think so it would be a good idea if we did nc bt he would call me Tuesday to finish our conversation (which got cut short). I was doing it anyways! He's the one who kept calling me - yeah I responded but as I said I was moving on slowly but surely.
I couldn't wait for Tuesday and had decided to tell him it was okay he didn't need to ever call me again. So I called him and I started to tell him this and he got mad at me for trying to not talk to him! He actually screamed "So what you're saying goodbye then? You don't want to talk to me anymore?" and I told him it's apparent he hates me b/c of all this and he says that he doesn't hate me he's just shocked. I said now you know how I felt when I found out about you.
I kept my composure throughout this whole call. Calm and cool.
It comes out that he was scared to move out and as the day grew closer he hesitated more. He did not appologize for the first girl that he slept with but did for the girl he started contact with - and this was after much...tug of war. He said that I just didn't see things his way. He did what he thought was right/good for him and this first girl just kind of fell in his lap anyways, he didn't want it to happen but it was in his lap and he went with it... (have you fallen out of your chairs yet?)

wanted to break it up. it was long.
So he's upset with me and I'm fine with it. I told him that he needs to remember who this started with. Why it started.
I told him that I forgave him a long time ago for his actions. I will hold no anger in my heart any longer. And then he gets mad at me and says that I'm fooling myself and said that it's WEIRD that I'm not angry. So I just told him again that I was angry for two weeks, then crazy, then sad, I went through the emotions of a breakup and allowed myself and I suddenly woke up one morning and was like you know what - this will not control my life, and I decided that I would grant him my forgiveness. It wasn't a ploy it wasn't anything other than something I decided and that's how I could talk to him so normally. (Previously I had dated a man who broke my heart and for 6 months I was mad/devastated - I vowed never to be that way again because it destroyed me, my heart and spirit. So yeah I'm upset and I will be from time to time but I hold no il feelings towards this man no longer - I don't think he understands...but I do - So I forgave him).
So he tells me that he thinks it would be good if we didn't talk to each other for 6 months and he would feel comfortable with this. Did I tell you he is slightly a control freak? And I ask why not a year, two, three, forever? And he said that he feels comfortable with 6 months. And I told him that I didn't and asked why he had to have control over this why can't we just see what happens. But he needed a date so I just told him how about September, the end of the summer and he agreed to this. I don't have any plans on contacting him any further btw. I don't know what he'll do but I'm done.
I just sit here though and wonder, why wouldn't he let me just say goodbye. I tried to twice and he got angry and spewed forth the bit about me not wanting to speak to him again. I know he's not holding out some sort of hope for our future but then again, the day before he did mention companionship/friendship. I don't want it though. Someone mentioned that we still have a bond and that's hard to break but in time it will. I think b/c we're each other's first long term maybe he's trying to hold on slightly to something. But there are other fish in the sea. No one like me (he'll discover!) but he'll eventually find something just as I will. So why hold on?
So finishing up. I calmly just asked him to do me a favor. I asked him to recognize and remember the hurt he caused me. I said that the person I loved the most ended up hurting me the most and that's unfortunate. I told him to think about what he says to women because they take things to heart. If you tell a woman you want to be withi her, want to have children with her, want to marry her eventually and want to build a life with her, and that you would never hurt her she is the one you want to be with and she has NOTHING to worry about (all things he said to me) she will take this in and believe you. So just be careful what you say to people because the aftermath can be really devastating.
I wished him well and hung up. That was the only time in the whole conversation that he was quiet so I hoped he retained a little bit of it.
I think he was just mad at me, more mad because he got caught. His new friends were being players and they've never gotten caught. He does it the first time in his life...and he gets caught immediately. I told him I have dreams and he knows how observant I am. I think he's mad because yes in my anger I let it out to a few friends/family members that we broke up because "he wanted to live the life of a musician". He says it's none of anyone else's business. He said that now people are thinking that he's going around sleeping with women left and right that he's some sort of band slut. I didn't say anything - but hello? Yes, you are now. Everyone always said K wouldn't do anything Monortsa doesn't have anything to worry about. And for a great time they were right. He was always the 'good guy'. So when he did this, a lot of people lost respect for him and they are looking at him different.
Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it to people, but in some cases they asked and other cases I admit, I was angry and I wanted to shout it to the world. We sometimes do things when we're upset.
So it's basically the end. And honestly, there's no emotion. I think about him from time to time. Things that I wish I had said. Like you need to GET OUT OF THAT WOMAN'S HOUSE. and how his own bandmate told me Friday that he's playing a young man's game things that should have been done in his 20s he's too old to be doing it now and he has lost (bandmate thought) the best thing in his life - his best friend thinks this too. I was still in slight communication with people as we sort of run in the same circles from time to time. They all still love me but they all know this guy.
As doubleblade said/nailed it. Confused, Selfish, Immature Co-dependent and a few other things I can't remember. This is what he is. And I hear it loud and clear.
I can only hope that one day he grows out of it. He has the potential to be such a great guy but he needs to find his way because the way he's trying to live his life, isn't so great. I still do care, I'll always love him, and memories will always hold a special place in my heart but am no longer in love with him and see that we cannot be in each other's lives.
Still...it's on my mind. WHY does he want to talk again? Why not just cut his loses like any other dumper would? To be like I'll call you in 4-6 months? And you laugh but I know he's all ready put it in his little calender book - call monortsa on this day lol. It cracks me up.
Thats a mouthful. Thanks for listening.
It sounds like it's a combination of guilt and him wanting to retain control. But don't get too bogged down in the "whys". He is who and how he is...that's the bottom line. If you don't want to have contact with him in September, then don't.
It sounds like you handled yourself very well, btw, good for you!
Sheri