Only 4 months-Hurts just as bad

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Only 4 months-Hurts just as bad
5
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:59am

I had been single for 4 1/2 years when I met him. I have a 12 year long best friend who is gay, and has always been my emotional support. My younger brother, who looks up to me, and makes me feel like I'm a great person, who I hadn't lived near in 15 years, moved out here (we live in Vegas). I date men for instant gratification. I'm quite a wild, sexual being for being a female. Booty calls, one night stands, being a third with a couple, swing clubs (single females are a HOT commmidity in the swingers community). No kissing, no cuddling, just be good at sex. I'd breathe a sigh of relief, when I'd meet someone I shared great sexual chemistry with, but that other "cancerous" feeling wasn't there. I live in Las Vegas, where 99% of people are not what they seem, shallow, or the men you meet are extremely on the defense, because I am the same sex as the most evil, manipulative species in Vegas-women. I swear, after 13 years here, I'm the only woman here who is still not evil. I'd also ensure the meeting of 'players' by finding them on the adult sites on the internet.

He was just 'next in line'. Ok, wh was gorgeous, tender, well endowed, and we had the chemistry and same likes and dislikes in bed. With IMing and e-mail, I'd been so fed up with guys never ever calling. This guy CALLED. He kissed, and I wasn't repulsed by it. He wanted to cuddle after sex, and it felt good. He was soooo nice. I don't care what all the experts say...I've been through every type of man and failed relationship in my past. I could be 'one of the experts'- I was in love after that first encounter. It was a week and a half between our 1st and second date, but from then on we saw each other twice a week. His side....I met him only 6 short weeks after his wife of 12 years had moved out. They share 2 young boys and because of their jobs, he has one child and she has the other, except on the night they keep both, so the other has a free night. Well, he only had Friday's. He and I quickly slipped into his exhibitionist fetish (I had one too, so it was fun). He had had the 'wholesome' wife who had no skeletons in her closet, was prim and proper. He had been frequenting swinger clubs and getting with couples for about 4 years prior to their split up. This was not the reason for the break up, from what I know. He explained it to me that it had something to do with her older son from her 1st marriage.

Anyway, I read up on being the rebound girl, and all that other stuff. I came from an abusive, very hard, had to survive kind of life. He came from a normal, no major horrifying, rough experiences, grew up the youngest boy of 3 boys from his mother, but the only child of his father. He was sweet, innocent, and niave to what lies beyound his upper west side Las Vegas neighborhood. Our sex was like nothing I've ever had...he felt the same way. We spent our Friday's feeding his exhibitionist fetish but having sex in front of people at the swinger's clubs. The arguements started when it came to the discussion of swapping. Nope, I was in love did not want to swap. We liked to do Adult gigs, and by stupidity, I got him a porno gig he is still doing. I wanted to do it with him, but the producer only does BBW's and I'm no where near fat enough. He kept seeing me, I kept getting crazier and craizer obsessed. I think this is part of the reason I haven't found a job yet (never been unemployed this long). My best friend was getting heavy into drugs, and I didn't see it. Now he's in jail, looking at 2 and a half years. Maybe if I'd been paying more attention to the people who do love me instead of the one who doesn't. But he was never really 'dishonest' and always nice and attentive. He would bring up wanting to see other people, not being ready because he just got out of a long term relationship. Finally he said, he had made other plans for a Friday night and I found out he had another night free, that he didn't tell me about. I was distroyed, but his date cancelled and he was online as it got later on that night...so I IM'ed him. He asked me to go to the swinger's club with him and I didn't want to, but I did. I was the desparate jilted girl. He made tentative plans with me for the the following Friday, but then he dropped a bigger bomb. He said he'd met a girl on Monday and they were going to be exclusive and he would not be seeing me anymore. I asked him if he was going to do exhibitionism with her...of course not. Was he going to tell her he was doing porn...of course not. I was not 'his type', he couldn't see having a 'relationship' with me. He loved when we were together, he said a was very caring, we could be 'friends'. You know what...if someone handed me a gun at that moment, it wouldn't take no thought to put it in my mouth. All my strength, dignity, pride, life I once had was gone, from a guy who couldn't even probably live through the horrors I'd been through. But it wasn't his fault. He warned me.
My best and only friend was in jail, with way bigger problems than mine, my brother was furious with me for being so stupid and weak. That first day was the HARDEST. I printed out the "Breakup Survivor Guide" of this site. It took me a week to break 2 of the rules, which had me in his bed 8 nights later, with a new list of rules....the 'you're fooling yourself, idiot' rules. Couple days later, he told me not to call at a certain time...meaning he was with someone...well so was I. But my reason was to try to not think about him...his reason was because he wanted 500 different women. Oh, he had previously asked me to come over the next night, and I did. Gimmie that gun, so I can put my defective ass out of it's misery. If anyone reads this million word long crap, they'll see it was written on a Friday night. He didn't even answer a text I sent him. Our Fridays NEVER started as early as I sent that text. I'm 42, he's 36. I'm very emotional (even more so) because my period came a few days early. So, not only am I feeling ugly, I am nasty and ugly cuz damn evil FEMALE curses have to pile more depression on me.
No one on here has to tell me "Your better off without him", because I'm not. No one has to say "He's doesn't care, he doesn't take your feelings into consideration", because he does. He never lied to me. He said he wishes he felt that way, but he doesn't. So this is all my pain. Your advise on here is to call a friend...mine is in jail. I can't tell my brother...he'd kick me out, because he told me NOT TO SEE HIM again. It's Friday night, I'm 42, I am ALL ALONE at home, I don't have a job, and my strength is gone. I used to be strong, and I was proud of my survival skills. BUt, I slipped off the wagon with him. Why can't he want me? Because, who would...I'll just keep giving him what he wants until maybe I get lucky, and I get hit by a bus.

Don't worry, people...I have no kids....God figured my life would suck so bad he decided not to give me any kids. My stepmom and Dad, who were the most disfunctional parents anyway, are moving to the Phillipines. My younger brother has a wife (I live with them, until they kick my sorry ass out)....I hear what people kill themselves over, and there's always that selfish thing...damn, they didn't think about their kids, parents, husband, wife, best friend. I either don't have those people, or life would be better without me. It's not even about him....him not wanting me just reminds me that there is NOTHING for me. I'm not worried...no one is going to read this...at least not this far.

Tina Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 2:00am

hi tinamarie,

i'm not going to pretend i can understand what you're going through or the pain you're feeling. you seemed to have had a rough life and you sound hurt and without hope. just wanted to tell you that i did read till the end. and i hope with all my heart that you can find the strength that you had in the past and try to get through this. you know you have it in you, you've been through so much, don't let this break you. you do have a lot to offer not just to a guy but for yourself. things may seem completely hopeless right now and you may not be able to see anything positive in your life, but just look a little deeper within you. you are a good person, and you have a lot to give. don't let this be your breaking point. no guy or no one is worth that. please try to be strong.

i'll be sending prayers your way.
be strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 12:45am

Hi tinamarie, welcome to our little corner of Heartbreak Hotel,

You've gone through a lot, certainly more than a lot of people I've come across, and your life experiences, believe it or not, give you an untold amount of personal strength, since they haven't yet broken you. Even though the situations you've been in with this man are different than most, the underlying pain and heartache really is the same as anyone else here. Maybe it's possible that all this happened so that you would find another way, another avenue to your happiness in this world. We all deserve it, you very much so. You were just gong about it in a way that was different. So far, the robotic and affectionless sex doesn't seem to have been working so maybe, it's time to try something new.

Your reality check is that you should probably start to concentrate on your best friend who could really use a friend right about now, and on your brother, who is only upset with you because he wants so much more FOR you, not from you.

I can't pretend to know what it is like to be in your shoes. I know that you are dealing with your situation in the best way possible for you right now. All I can do is give you hope. You will make it through. Whenever you doubt, repeat that to yourself. You can handle it. It doesn't matter what you've done, what situations you've had to go through to get to this point, everyday is a fresh chance to start making your life one you enjoy.

From what you have said, all I can say is that right now you see yourself as a victim. If not a victim of what has happened to you, then a victim of your own actions. Your biggest challenge is going to be to stop playing that role. It is so hard to get out of that viscious cycle of self-pity and self-blame. All of us have been there at some point. You can choose to live the rest of your life as a victim ... or you can allow yourself the power to choose a different way of seeing your life. Not as a life at the whim of forces beyond your control, not a life with your hands tied behind your back, but a life you consciously choose and create.

Your life is precious, it's beautiful and it's worth spending time focusing on whatever small joys exist within it.

Since you've mentioned suicide, I'm going to post some resources for you. I never take that lightly, and I won't start with you ;) Forums like this *can* help, but sometimes, the compassionate ear of a real life person can make all the difference in the world. Sometimes what we need is to talk. What we need is to have someone listen and hear us. What we need is for someone to say, "I understand exactly what you are talking about and what you are going through". What we need are unconditional hugs of support. There is a lot of support and help for you, but you have to be the one who takes the first step. If we don't tell those who love us that we are hurting, or that we are depressed, they can't help us. The thought of telling or talking to someone is a lot scarier than the actual act of it.

Call these people, they can listen and help you.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcrisis&msg=4451.1

In the U.S. you have a few hotlines to choose from:
* Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
* Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK
* RAINN Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE(4673)
* National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
* Childhelp USA/National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD® (1-800-422-4453)

Calling a hotline number is frightening, but there are times in our lives when we have to overcome our fears. If you are feeling unsafe or in danger, please call a crisis number. There is help out there, but the first step is ours to take. No one can help us if we don't tell them that we need help. Reaching out and asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength and courage, because it takes both to go to the phone, dial a number and talk to someone.

You are precious, and we care about you. Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 9:49am

Hi, tinamarie,


I'm so glad you have this wonderful community to help you deal with your relationship problems.

_________________________________________________


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 7:54pm

Thank you for your kind words. Really, they helped alot that people took the time to sincerely respond. I couldn't have wrote my post at a worse time, than I did. I was menstrual, had been turned down from some jobs,and was just weak.

I'm a little better now. My biggest challenge, is cutting off all communication with him. I can know that it's just going to make it worse, I can know that it makes me look desparate, I can know that there is nothing positive that will come of it, so why do I do it? It would be easier if I was busier. I need to find some more activities.

Thanks again, and I will keep in touch. Tina

Tina Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 4:46pm

((((HUGS)))) and hormones just exacerbate the situation much of the time, I know - btdt too many times myself, lol. A bad break up is part of why I became a computer addict, lol. I started playing games on the PC, then found online chats, and then iVillage, and now I'm to the point where there's not much else I do other than computer-related stuff. But, it's what keeps me sane... somewhat, hehe. ;)


No contact is the best way to put closure on things so you can heal and move on -- especially important if you're the one who keeps contacting him but you get nothing in return but heartache.


My best friend had a pretty good idea for stopping herself from contacting her ex.