Opinions please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Opinions please!
3
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 4:40pm
Hi I am new here but I need your thoughts on this for I am lost....

Alittle background: I am 22 and I have a 3 yr old from a past relationship.

This is the first guy I have dated after the birth of my son. We dated for alittle over a year. We met through mutual friends and he has always known about my son. I wasn't interested intially but he really pursued me and made me feel like I was beautifil again. Well we started dating and he wasn't into meeting my kid right away (told me he had mixed feelings on it)which was fine with me because I am very worried about my son getting attached to someone and having things not work out.

By the way he is 22 also. Well he told me he loved me first after about a month of dating and would often bring up us moving in with him. I wanted to take things slow and declined.

Anyways he started working with his mom as a loan officer half way into our relationship and he really seemed to enjoy it. He broke up with me after he started because he thought he would get transfered to Seattle and didn't want to drag on the relationship and have things end on a bad note. He said he loved me and didn't want to do it blah, blah, blah....I was devastated.

He called me three times the next day, leaving messasges first to make sure I was OK and then asking me to come and see him because he had made a big mistake and wanted us to be back together. Of course I went and we were back together.

Things were good until December but this time I broke it off with him. I was starting to think that he was cheating on me because he was a very big flirt and would go out with co-workers during the week until wee hours in the morning. (We really only spent weekends together)I also wanted for him and my son to try to form a bond. We would take my son to movies together and we took him to the park once. He even asked us to go to dinner with his mom but I had plans or something so we couldn't make it. I told him how I felt and he would always deny it. So again we were broken up.

We got back together again because I missed him dearly and really never wanted it to end. I wanted to see if he would pursue me back, which he did and asked me to go to his company christmas dinner. Things were better and he stayed home alot more. Claiming he was getting tired of going out all the time.

Our final break up he did it mostly but I kinda agreed to it. It was Feb 12th. I was mad at him because he was planning on going out with the guys from work on Valentines day instead of spending it with me. He never thought it was a big deal and would often break plans with me to hang out with his friends but Valentines day was the last straw.....

We continued to have a sexual relationship off and on til May when I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted us to be together. I moved to Alaska (where I am now til September) to work for the summer and to help get over him. I was very depressed. I called him a few times when I first got here but don't anymore. He calls me every two weeks just to say hi. He tells me he misses me and wants me to come home. Supposively he hasn't seen anyone and is very interested if I have seen anyone. I want to resolve things when I get home but I am not sure if he does or if he just wants me for sex. What do you think?

Sometimes he tells me he wants to be with me but not until he is financially set for me and my son. Then he tells me he can't be my kids dad but he loves me. Its like he just has growing up to do and while I don't plan on waiting for him, he is all I think about. I compare everyone to him and its been almost 6 months since our break up. I have always been told to follow my heart and he is it. I just don't want to believe its over for good, ya know?

Thanks for reading this. Sorry it is so long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 6:50pm
I do not have a child of my own, so I can't fully understand your situation. I was just in an on and off relationship as well. I really think you need to put your son first. As hard as it would be. I think being with someone who is obviously very uncertain about being a pseudo father figure would be detrimental. You guys are also still very young. (As much as I hate hearing that too, it's true). You need a man who is very interested in the well being of you AND your son. It also seems like he has a lot of growing up to do if he doesn't even plan anything for you for Valentine's day. I'm not in your situation but I would definitely put your son first. I hope I helped!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 12:09am
Welcome to the board!! I know you must be pretty confused at this point. It's tough to tell if he's genuinely interested in rekindeling the relationship or if he just wants sex. I have to say though....with all the break-ups you've had....it doesn't make me feel all that confident it would work if you gave it one last try. But that decision is completely up to you....but if you give him another go....just be careful. We'll be here to support you no matter what but just be realistic. Good luck and keep us posted.













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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 3:38am
Dear purple brooklyn,

You were smart to move to Alaska and get away from this man (sorry...boy). Stay strong and concentrate on yourself and your little child. I'm sorry for your pain, I'm sure you shared wonderful moments together, but it is obvious he is just toying with you. Someone better WILL come along. Don't put your life and plans on hold waiting for this joker. Cut off ALL contact and don't look back. Fill your life with things that interest you and your little boy. The crying will eventually come to an end, though it doesn't seem like it now. You're barely out of high school! Don't wait for a man to treat you special...you can do that yourself. Build up your skills and personal strength and you will attract much more worthy mates. In the meantime, count your blessings every day for your child and remember that someday you will have to answer for every day you spent on him, for good or for bad...make each moment count.

goldeneyedgirl

(38 year old mother of five who were kidnapped by her ex of 17 years. Currently painfully getting over relationship of two years with previously wonderful boyfriend)