Optimism is KILLING ME

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Optimism is KILLING ME
1
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 1:42am

Hey All,
I'm new to all of this, but I thought my friends were probably getting sick of listening to me blab...

5.5 yrs later and we're done. It is a really hard thing to talk about, an even harder thing to live through. I know I'm young (20) and that I need to grow up and learn things about myself. I have a lot of ambitions and a bright future and all that crap. Still, my ex wants to remain friends and it really is killing me. He has told me that he sees us getting back together in the future and says that I should have faith in us. But he doesn't want to be with me right now. Then he asks me if I believe in Fate.
I don't want to be the one waiting around for him to make up his mind. I know that I don't deserve that. The fact of the matter is that he shows a side of himself to me that doesn't exist to anyone else. I want to spend the rest of my life with that man, but right now he doesn't want to be that man, he wants to be a selfish 20 year old fraternity boy.
So, I know that I need to move on right now, but on the other hand I am aching to be with him. I love him, that side of him, and sometimes I feel like I could wait for him to grow up if I only knew that we'd be together again. So how is it possible for me to move on and still have faith in the Love that I feel?
Am I in love with someone who doesn't exist or have I maybe just matured a little faster than him? Is it wrong for me to want to wait for him? Is it wrong for me to want to do anything for him?
Am I preventing myself from moving on by believing that the love I felt and still feel is true?
Because these feelings torment me, I have completely cut myself off from him (blocked his screen name, taken him off facebook for all the college kids reading this, and although we live in the same city we don't go to the same school so I never see him). Its been about a month since the breakup and he has made honest attempts to get me to be his friend. I have tried to explain to him that its too painful for me to see that side of him, the man that I love, and that I can't be his friend right now. But I still think about him and it makes me really sad.
So I guess I'm wondering, is there any way I can be honest with my feelings and make myself feel better right now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 5:29pm
SIGH...I so know how you feel! My boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago; stating that he just "couldn't be a good boyfriend right now" and said that he still wanted to be my friend. I, like you, said no. I've pondered whether or not that was the right decision so many times. Here's something that I realized in the midst of tormenting myself about moving on vs. holding on to hope: that we DON'T have to decide to go one way or the other until we are ready to. Don't beat yourself up trying to decide whether to move on or hang on. Just see things for what they are right now. We all know that love for someone doesn't just go away...and only you know what's best for you and what you can handle. If you can't handle being friends, then don't. He needs to respect that. If after some more time passes without you in his life, and he decides that he wants you back, then that will be your decision to make. In the meantime, do your own thing, as hard as that is. I've finally reached a place where I feel confident making my decision, which is to do everything I can to move on. I got to a place where it hurt too much to hold on to hope. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't still entertain the thought of us crossing paths once he grows the hell up and living happily ever after...but it's something that I really don't let myself think about. Pay attention to what you're thinking about...and if it's too painful...don't let your mind go there. That's VERY hard to do, but believe me it's possible. Anyway...I hope that this makes some sense and helped in some way. Be strong, take time to take care of you and know that it gets better with time, and there are girls all over the place feeling the same way you are!!
-S