Optimism is KILLING ME
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| Mon, 11-20-2006 - 1:42am |
Hey All,
I'm new to all of this, but I thought my friends were probably getting sick of listening to me blab...
5.5 yrs later and we're done. It is a really hard thing to talk about, an even harder thing to live through. I know I'm young (20) and that I need to grow up and learn things about myself. I have a lot of ambitions and a bright future and all that crap. Still, my ex wants to remain friends and it really is killing me. He has told me that he sees us getting back together in the future and says that I should have faith in us. But he doesn't want to be with me right now. Then he asks me if I believe in Fate.
I don't want to be the one waiting around for him to make up his mind. I know that I don't deserve that. The fact of the matter is that he shows a side of himself to me that doesn't exist to anyone else. I want to spend the rest of my life with that man, but right now he doesn't want to be that man, he wants to be a selfish 20 year old fraternity boy.
So, I know that I need to move on right now, but on the other hand I am aching to be with him. I love him, that side of him, and sometimes I feel like I could wait for him to grow up if I only knew that we'd be together again. So how is it possible for me to move on and still have faith in the Love that I feel?
Am I in love with someone who doesn't exist or have I maybe just matured a little faster than him? Is it wrong for me to want to wait for him? Is it wrong for me to want to do anything for him?
Am I preventing myself from moving on by believing that the love I felt and still feel is true?
Because these feelings torment me, I have completely cut myself off from him (blocked his screen name, taken him off facebook for all the college kids reading this, and although we live in the same city we don't go to the same school so I never see him). Its been about a month since the breakup and he has made honest attempts to get me to be his friend. I have tried to explain to him that its too painful for me to see that side of him, the man that I love, and that I can't be his friend right now. But I still think about him and it makes me really sad.
So I guess I'm wondering, is there any way I can be honest with my feelings and make myself feel better right now?

-S