OUCH!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
OUCH!
14
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 3:15pm
I am writing again just to feel better I guess...I never thought pain could be this intense! I'm trying my damndest to forget about it, keeping busy, talking to people etc. But NOTHING takes the pain away NOTHING! It has been a month already, and it isn't getting any easier. How long does it take? I can't go on to much longer like this, I will either starve to death or die of sleep deprivation (or both). Can anyone please relate?? Can anyone who has been through this give me some words of comfort - PLEASE!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
In reply to: ddinkle
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 10:01am
Hey dd,

Sorry you are in so much pain right now. I remember the intense pain all too well. It is amazing how emotional pain can manifest itself into physical pain. I did a lot of deep breathing exercises (lamaze classes came in handy after all), and just tried to deal with the pain as a separate enity. Some things that helped me was to just cry and even scream a little if the pain became to overwhelming. I found it best not to try to supress it.

For some reasons, mornings were the worst time for me. Maybe it was because as I come to conscienceness, the impact of the situation would hit me full force. So to help, I posted on these boards, mostly to offer support to others (it does help), I emailed my best friend throughout the day, wrote my thoughts down in my journal, and in the evenings I spoke on the phone with my friend. She literally held my hand for the first 2 months.



I know how hard it is to see this now, but it will get better. I remember just wanting to fast forward my life to 6 months later so I would be over it all. But unfortunatly life doesn't work like that. The actual physical pain lasted a few weeks and became less severe day by day. After a few weeks it was on a low burner -- a lot less painful but still waiting for something to flare it up. Once that pain went away, it was replaced with saddness and extreme resentment. I would feel like I had taken two step forward, only to take a step back the next day.

I will tell you this though, through this pain has come an amazing growth of self awareness for me. And while I had never experience this kind of pain before (and I'm 42), in some ways it was a blessing for me. Yes, I lost him, but I have started to find me.

I was with my ex for a year and it has been over 5 months since the breakup. So for me, I would say 6 months to heal will be about accurate.

I will probably always love him and miss him to some degree -- and that's all right. I do not have the deep longing for him anymore, and the idea of him with someone else doesn't make me insane anymore. We have exchanged some email, but we have not spoken or seen each other at all (well I did see him in a store parking lot but didn't approach him) so I do believe that helped greatly.

Anyway, wanted you to know that you are not alone. Stay strong ((HUGS))

Lois

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ddinkle
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 10:40am
Lois gave you some really good advice I think, and there isn't much I can add to it but I just wanted to extend a friendly hand. I'm in the same boat. I was doing pretty well all week until today. (My breakup was on Sunday night.) Today I got to work and just started to cry. I'll be going along fine and then it hits me, "He's gone and I'm never seeing him again."

It hurts and hurts and there's just no way over the pain except through it. I can guarantee you that it does end though. Really. It does! I've been through heartbreak about ten times and survived each one. My breakup before this one was absolutely atrocious. It took me over a year to recover from a relationship that only lasted a year! So I know all about the pain of breakup. It stops hurting eventually, or as I used to say, It never stops hurting but you just get used to the pain so after a while you don't notice it anymore.

If you're having a hard time eating and sleeping might you consider taking some medication? Do you have a good doctor who would prescribe you something? Another alternative is to speak with a therapist. I'm planning on seeing one myself, just to get me through the first few months and to help me figure out why all my relationships seem to end in heartache.

We're here for you, and we're all going through this together. You are not alone. Knowing that always helps me through the roughest spots. Please feel free to email me through my profile when it gets too hard to bear ...

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: ddinkle
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 10:44am
I know exactly how you feel as I am in the same exact place. My ex and I have been going through a breakup since July after 5 years of happiness, but we stayed together pretty much the same as being a couple with him just "saying" we were broken and needing to move on until this last week when the impact him me full force. And I realize that I cannot hang on anymore, as he is interested in someone else. He says he is interested in seeing where it goes with his friend as being with her is enjoyable and it takes his mind off of me and our troubles. The pain is so excruiating that I frequently vomit, cannot eat, cannot sleep and cannot stop the memories and happy times from playing like a broken record in my head. I also cannot stop the imagining of him with this girl and what they are doing. I don't know how I am going to go on without him as he is my soul, and I am to him. He's in a scary place right now, losing his father to cancer and watching him slip away day by day. I know he's confused, but it doesnt make it hurt any less to be rejected. I just wanted to say that I understand what you are going through, I feel it 100% I dont know what I am going to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
In reply to: ddinkle
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 11:21am
I just want to add that you must force yourself to eat. I lost weight so quickly and dropped down to a not so healthy weight for me. I realized that if I didn't get a grip that I would make myself seriously sick. It came to a head for me when one morning when I stepped on the scale and literally broke down in tears at what the numbers said. I knew that I could not afford to lose another pound. Through my tears I just kept repeating to myself -- I will not let this destroy me!(that is exactly what I felt this breakup was doing) I did manage to star eating enough to sustain so I didn't lose any more weight. My friends were so concerned that when we would go out they would watch me like a hawk to make sure I ate something. I am a single mom to 2 kids and knew that it was my responsibility to take care of myself enough so I could take care of them.

Allowing yourself to become a physical wreck will serve no purpose but to prolong the healing.

I am glad to say that I regained the weight and am back to my fitness routine. I was actually afraid to do my usual jogging for fear of losing more weight.

Please take care of yourself -- all of you! There is only one you and only you can give yourself the TLC that you really need. ((hugs))

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: ddinkle
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 12:50pm
I really and truly understand what you are going through. Isn't it amazing how when it's happening we feel like we are the only people in the world who have experienced this pain and that our situation is "different" than everyone elses? Coming on boards like these helped me to realize that people go through this all the time. That Im not alone and that there isn't anything wrong with me. There are going to be good days and bad days. For me, night is the worst time because that's when I have to think. That's when I have to think about everything that's happened to me. I just think about how bad the relationshiop had gotten. What am I really missing out on? Was I happier with him or will I end up being happier with someone else who's more deserving? Keep a journal and I promise you when you read back through it later you'll be surprised how differently you think. This is the 2ns time that Ive been through a breakup like this. I read about my last serious boyfriend before this one and laugh my ass off because I have absalutely no feeling for him anymore, then I keep reminding myself that this is how I'm going to feel later when I look back on the most recent relationship. Women are resilient creatures.

It's okay to feel like crap. It's perfectly normal.

~Lindsay~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: ddinkle
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:33pm
Thank you all so so much for the comforting words and advice. It is good to talk to people that are going through it as well...it really helps! Today I feel a little better than yesterday. My emotions change so often its weird. One minute you're fine and the next you're crying like a baby, UGH! One thing I have learned through all this is how blessed I am to have such a wonderful strong support system of friends and family even my bosses have been great! I guess talking about it is part of the healing process. I go home every night and talk on the phone to my sister and I write in my journal, and I write letters to him, although he will never see them - it helps. The hardest part for me right now is that I still love him, I still want to be with him, and it hurts like HELL that he doesn't feel the same anymore. I feel as though I will never stop loving him...and eventually he will be with someone else and that makes me want to vomit! All I can do is send positive energy his way into the universe, I don't hate him and I don't feel resentful, he is human and cannot help it if he doesn't love me anymore. Anyway, thanks for listening and thank god we all have each other to lean on. I am sorry for all of you who are going through this hell - we have no choice but to get through it.

Many hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: ddinkle
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 4:27pm
I can totally relate. Today has been a "pretty" good day for me. I only broke down about 4 times so far and it's 4:30! Good thing for me. He has been on my mind nonstop however, but I'm just sitting here peptalking myself. There's nothing more we can do, we have no choice but to let go. It is all we have. If they made a mistake, and they want to come back down the road, we'll deal with it then. But i'm not banking on it. And I'm certainly not waiting for him. Yes, the thought of another person is enough to make me throw up as well, which I have done each morning for the past 2 days. I've actually have had thoughts today that "I can do this!" so that's promising. Who knows, when i'm done posting this I will probably be bawling and want to die.

This is how it's going to go for a while. It would be different if I knew for sure that he's not comming back. But I don't. In my heart, i know there is unfinished business between us. I don't think it's over. But in the meantime, I can hold back from developing so much of what I lost. It could never go back to the way it was. I need to be strong for MYSELF. And you need to too. We can do it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
In reply to: ddinkle
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 5:50pm
Reading everyone's posts today have really helped me out. It's been two days since my break up and I'm taking everything that was left at my place back to him tonight, his cat included. I'm really confused right now. We both love each other, that I do know, but his priorities changed some. We had said we were going to get married in a couple of years and all of a sudden he couldn't commit to that because he doesn't know where he'll be in a couple of years after he graduates from school and get's a job. I just felt that wasn't fair to me.

I had already decided to leave my job and move to where he is to pursue my graduate degree. I'm still going to do that. That decision was made for me, even though he was a part of it. It's going to be hard to see him on campus, I want to be friends, but I think a clean break is the best way to go. I would love to think that we can get back together, there is definately unfinished business between us. But I know in my heart that I deserve someone who can give me all of them, and he just can't right now and he admits that.

I 've hardly slept at all and I can't eat anything, I've had yogurt and a bowl of cereal today. I truly thought I was going to marry this man. We gained so much from each other. He took it really hard when I broke the news to him and that has hurt me the most. Seeing him cry and then throw up, I know this has really affected him and it hurts me a great deal. I've talked to my pastor and gotten some perspective on our situation, that was a great idea. It made me feel better for a little bit. When I think of how great my relationship was it makes me want to cry. I don't know why we grew apart. I do know that I have to be ME first and foremost, and that wasn't happening. Our relationship wasn't healthy. It had to end for anything to get better. Maybe someday we can be together again, but I know I can't hold out for that. There are no guarntees in this life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: ddinkle
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 5:57pm
WE CAN DO IT! We have no choice frankly. The thing I keep telling myself through all this is that someday, I will find someone that will be more deserving of the love I have to give. Why waste your time with someone who doesn't want it? All we can do is better ourselves, you know? It's weird because yesterday I was feeling soooooooo down, and I woke up today and felt a bit better, it's actually the first day in at least a month where I haven't been just completely devastated. Tomorrow may be another story, but for now I am just grasping onto a little relief! I am not going to wait around for him, NO WAY! That is the worst thing I could do. Who knows, a few months down the road, maybe they will realize what they have lost... But I don't want to grasp on to that hope. I think if I ran into him a few months down the road, I would rather have him see me as happy and OVER HIM, then still depressed and sad. Don't you agree?
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anonymous user
In reply to: ddinkle
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 6:38pm
Hi ladies,

Just thought I'd jump into this thread. I lost all my weight during the 2 months BEFore we broke up. I guess I knew it was coming, but he'd keep denying it, so I kept holding on. Didn't eat, didn't sleep. Now, I force myself to eat GOOD food...food my body needs. And I take pills to sleep. Like all of you, I've realized that I need to take care of myself. I'm important!!! He's gone, yeah, and I miss him like crazy, and I cry all the time, and I really really hate this. But he's made it totally clear he's not coming back. And everytime I think about that I cry, but I NEED to move on. To realize that I can find someone out there who'll make me happier. I thought he was the one....but obviously he's not. Yeah, maybe we'll end up together down the road....or I could end up with...oh let's see....hmmmmmm......Will Smith or ANYBODY really. LOL. POint is, over 2 years ago, I never thought I would end up with Angus...but I did, and now it's over. We had some great times...and some really bad ones. Right now, I don't feel like I'll ever meet anyone better than him...but then I have to shake myself and realize that at the end he treated me like crap....and there are guys out there who won't do that. I guess the scary part for me is how I"m actually gonna meet someone. Angus and I just kinda got thrown together, it was all too perfect. But maybe the relationship was just another lesson for me. Uh huh. Not at a point right now where I can really accept that. I still love him, girls. And I understand all the pain you're all going through. I'm hoping and praying right there with you that the pain will get better, and that we'll all be whole again one day.

Remember to eat and sleep. It's makes dealing with all of this so much easier.

Hugs,

Karen

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