Our 1st encounter- Don't look in my eyes
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| Wed, 07-26-2006 - 4:44am |
Well the first day happened. Quick recap, my ex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago and we havent had contact for about two of them, we met and study at University together and have been on holidays for the last 3 weeks during the breakup. Today was the first day back at uni, my first day of having to face him.
I'm going to let out every detail just because I have to let it out and go over it for my own sake. To set the scene, there is a really close knit group of us at uni of about 6 or 7 and the two of us are part of that, so not only do I have to see him at uni in lectures and classes but also in social settings, pre and post lectures coffees, lecture breaks, sitting together etc etc. I walked up to the lecture theatre thankful that the little congregation was not standing outside, it meant I wouldn't have to face him properly right away.
As soon as I walked in I spotted him right on the other side, he probably saw me walk in before I did, as soon as I opened the door I saw him looking at the door, he must have been on edge just as much as I was. Because he was sitting right over the other side there was no need to say hello, we made eye contact for about half a second then both just looked away.
The great thing was that he had sat away from the group. I felt bad, he was sitting with an old friend of his (that I know he doesn't like much at all) and that he never sat with before but he had segregated himself, so I went up to my usual group who were all very sympathetic and lovely and I laughed and pretended to be happy all the while out the corner of my eye seeing him watching and turn around. Everybody commenting on how he kept watching us. I feel bad...but I did bring him into that group. I feel so high school right now...groups etc this and that but that's how it is and I felt bad for him that he had felt the need to distance himself (but secretly relieved as it made it easier for me). I'm sure it made it easier for him as well.
The pain came at the end of the lecture when everyone was standing outside chatting away. I walked up to the group where he was and he looked me straight in the eye. I gave him a BIG smile and said hello with a little wave. As I looked away and was just about to say hello to somebody else he said "hey...come here" and put his arm around me giving me a kiss on the cheek and whispering in my ear so nobody else could hear "you ok", to which I replied loudly "yeh all good".
I know I know it actually does't sound that bad on paper but I wanted to cry, tears welling up in my eyes. Our kiss on the cheek was like, look up into each others eyes, it felt so unnatural to just go to the side of his face, felt so wrong to kiss him on the cheek. I felt like a robot, trying to smile, trying to act natural.
To me it was like him saying "i'm fine, look at me, i'm over it, I don't care about you anymore, you are so easy to get over" etc etc. I know he wasn't himself at all in the group and didn't come and get a coffee with us afterward but it hurt. He didn't have to say hello like that, the rest of us don't, I had a female friend right next to me that he knows very well he didn't ask her for a kiss on the cheek. BTW this happened in front of everyone! It felt like a show, lets show everyone we are fine.
He has always said he wants to be friends, maybe that is him trying. Can I honestly ask though to all those who are reading this why in the world does he want to be friends? What could he possibly get out of it? The last thing I want is to be friends. I don't want to fall back into it, I don't want to be friends because I don't want to hear about other girls (though I'm sure I will anyway). He obviously doesn't care at all if he wants to be friends, isn't hurt at all. How can he not be hurt! How did I give so much of myself to someone, my first EVERYTHING to him, and within two weeks he seems over it.
Maybe he was acting just like I was, but maybe he wasn't. Anyway I was strong and held back the tears for the car trip home where I had a good good friend to comfort me and tell me I was allowed to feel this upsetness and my reaction was normal. I think my hurt stems from the fact that I feel he no longer cares though I no that shouldn't matter at this point.
Anyway this was too long I'll bet nobody got through it but I needed to let it out. So the first day is over, and now lucky me gets to face him again tomorrow. I am proud of my strength today though even thought it hurt so much. I guess just that tiny physical contact and that little whisper, it killed me. Had that not happened I think i would be dealing better.
Enough from me! Thanks for your kind words you guys did help me have strength! I know I just have to get through this.

Wow, I'm sorry it happened that way. That was a crappy thing for him to do, IMO. He has no right to behave in that way with you--he lost that right when you broke up.
I would avoid direct contact with him whenever possible for the time being. Say hi to your mutual friends when they are NOT in his group. I'm not saying ignore him, but if you see him standing with other people, just smile and wave and keep moving. Your friends will understand why you're not stopping to talk.
Sheri
I think a whole bunch of us got through to the end, no worries ;)