Out of left field....
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| Mon, 08-16-2004 - 2:09pm |
So he left. Says that he isn't happy with his job, that he knows that there is someone out there that is better for me because he knows he isn't good enough...keeps saying that this has nothing to do with me, he's in a funk/the zone, and he can't get himself out of it and that that isn't fair to me. I never could have imagined this happening! I mean, tomorrow is our anniversary....but he's gone, back to his parents in upstate NY...and I don't know when/if he'll be back....that's probably the most difficult thing right now...
He called before from his parents' place and kept telling me that he's sorry and that he loves me. Packed up a bunch of clothes but left soooooooooo much (and that;s really tough to look at)....like his pillow, alarm clock, toothbrush, checkbook, sneakers, etc....this is just so weird....
I'm still in shock and keep going through the same cycle of emotions...close friends that I've talked to say that knowing him, he's thinking that we should be approaching an engagement and he's running scared thinking that he could never be the husband that I deserve and he'll be back...I know that he's unhappy with his job and wishes that he was more successful and that we were living someplace nicer, but why run away? He kept repeating over and over that it was nothing to do with me...I told him point blank to show me some respect and tell me if it was another woman but he says that's not it and he can't imagine ever being with anyone else. I asked him if he was just looking to see other people and he said the same thing....a friend of mine says that what he's going thru is typical (she's completing her grad work in psychology/counseling) - it's an early mid-life crisis and he's having a lot of doubt with himself and his life....
I talked to him today and suggested that we consider counseling....he said he's not sure, maybe a clean break is the best thing for us...but I know it's not. I don't know what I should be thinking. I am a wreck and have no idea what to expect at this point.
Thanks for listening/reading, ladies, I really appreciate it.
Kristen


Kristen,
Your situation sounds just like mine. I was with my ex for 3 1/2 years and thought I was finally lucky in love. He was my best friend and my boyfriend. We lived together for almost 2 years, and while I swore I would never do that again, I really thought I'd be with him forever, so I gave in to that. We had talked about marriage, etc. and everything really seemed great.
Last week he says he "wants to be alone" right now. I was very shocked... we had some discussions recently about marriage and I guess it just really got him thinking. He says that he won't be ready for at least a few more years and he knows I would like that now. He doesn't know what's going on with him right now, but he just needs time to figure it out. As much as it hurts, I had to tell him that if realizes later on he's making a mistake now, I won't be there. I can't... I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him after this, I'd be too scared he would do it again down the road.
I've decided to go and stay with my family right now. I have no close friends where I live (I don't even really like it here, just moved here because he wanted to stay here) and I really need the support system. Your friend sounds right on the money. My ex turns 36 this Friday, and I really think he's hit an early mid-life crisis. It's just so strange.
Your boyfriend
"Without music, life is a journey through the desert"...
I seriously think it is sorta like a mid-life crisis. We talk at least every couple of days. He tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me and can't imagine being with anyone else. That he doesn't want to date anyone, that if he did it would be me. He just needs to get his life in order before he can have anyone else in his life at the moment. I've come to terms with it. I still get frustrated a lot. He says he doesn't know how long this will take and he doesn't expect me to wait for him, he knows it isn't fair. But at the same time, I know that he is the person I'm suppose to be with and vice versa. He said it would kill him to know I'm with someone else, but that's the chance he has to take at this point. I get frustrated when I talk to him sometimes, like I say "If you love me sooo much and want to be with me, why can't we work this out together? You really want to chance losing me because of this?" And he tells me that if he isn't happy with himself at the moment, how can he be happy in a relationship.
I think one of his major problems is all of his bills and knowing that I want to get married someday and that he can't even save for a ring at this point. Maybe they feel inferior to us and that they feel we deserve better? He kept saying, I'm not worth it, but I told him he totally is. He is the sweetest most loving guy I've ever been with. Yes, he can't buy me flowers all the time and I pay most of the time when we go out, but I don't care about any of that, as long as I am with him that's what makes me happy.
I honestly think when guys go through this they just freak out and get scared and push away anything that made them happy in the first place. They do come to their senses and come back. He and I still see each other every couple of weeks, but agreed we couldn't go back to casual dating because we had come so far in our relationship. I had moved in with him and everything. He hopes that in 2 months or so that he has his stuff together and we can be together again. But it scares both of us that he won't. I don't want to wait around for someone who is still confused in life. But I know he truley loves me and that's what's so hard about this. Two people who love each other but aren't together. Makes a lot of sense huh?
I'm sorry I can't give any more advice really. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one going through this. It's obvious that other men have this problem too, but it's up to them to figure things out in their head and it's up to you to decide if he's worth the wait. I'm still having trouble with that myself.
Stacey