Over before it had a chance to start

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
Over before it had a chance to start
6
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 4:48am

I don't normally do this kind of thing, but I need a bit of support. Sorry to bother you all.

I met a guy a few weeks ago and really hit it of. However, he had just started seeing someone the week before. We really liked each other and had heaps in common, much more than he had in common with the other girl. He said that he was going to break it off with the other girl. He had a lot of trouble with this (I think he's quite weak) and, consequently, mucked about and decided to put me off instead as he thought it best to carry on with what he had started. Then he changed his mind. Always one for giving people second chances, I gave him another go - thinking that his problem was that he was just too scared to tell the other girl he didn't want to see her anymore. So, things were all cool - then I get a text message on Boxing Day saying that he'd changed his mind again and that she was the one he wanted to be with.

I feel like such an idiot - logically, I shouldn't be in the state I am. I'm pretty damn confused - I felt very strongly about him (and still do). Just thinking about him made my chest tight and breathing difficult. When I kissed him, everything around me melted away. When I talked with him, I felt comfortable and at ease. He was someone that seemed like he would make a great best friend as well as lover/partner etc. It's not often I meet a guy that I can really talk to, that I'm also attracted to as well! There are only 3 other times that I can recall similar feelings. Every time I've screwed it up or something has got in the way (in fact, there's almost always been another girl involved). I guess that's why I'm feeling a bit messed up at the moment. It was only a couple of weeks, but when you meet someone that you think is so right for you - time isn't a factor, is it?

I'm so scared to see him with the other girl. I tried fighting for him, but you can't win someone over when they just aren't interested, even if they say they share similar feelings as you.

Bloody hell!

And everyone thinks I'm looney for going on about it too.

I just don't know what to do. I can't eat and I'm barely sleeping. I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up. I can't stop thinking about him kissing, cuddling and making love to the other girl.

I'm almost 31, have been single for 10years and have a repeating theme with men always choosing someone else. I don't know why, I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and I don't know how to change it. I'm freaking out that I'm never going to be able to have a secure long-term relationship. My, already extremely fragile, trust in men as been given a huge knock. How do people do it? These people you see, that stay together for years and years.

I don't know how to get over him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:06am
Honey, the man is not worth your time or effort. You deserve to be someone's priority! I am sorry to hear of the breakup and the pain he has caused you. Concentrate on yourself. Yes, it is easier stated than done. When one is not looking for love, it just shows up. I got married at 36 and was not even interested in a romantic involvement when I met my husband. Concentrate on your career, build friendships, get in shape, volunteer and fell comfortable in your own skin. We make our own happiness.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 12:43pm

I don't want to make light of your feelings, but you've only known this man for a few weeks. There's nothing real to get over...what you've done, it sounds like, is allowed yourself to construct a fantasy based on your limited contact with this man. So you're not really needing to "get over" this man (because there really wasn't a relationship to get over), but rather, you're upset about your fantasy not having a chance to play itself out.

Is this something you tend to do? I know I've done it in the past, and getting counseling has really helped me to realize when I'm doing it and that the only way to know whether someone is even *potentially* right for you is to date them for at least 4-6 months. Your fairy tale notion that time doesn't matter when someone is right for you is just that--a fantasy fairy tale.

Think about it this way, if it helps: if he WERE really right for you, he wouldn't have even batted an eye about ending things with the other woman. That alone is an indication that you're not right for each other after all, except in your head.

Remind yourself of that every time you think of him, and I think you'll find you are able to move on sooner rather than later. And as I said, if this is a tendency for you, you might want to consider counseling to address that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 2:16pm

I can completely relate to what you are going through. I am 34 years old and have never been in a happy, long-term relationship with a man that I really love. There were three guys in my entire life that I fell head over heals for that actually returned feelings for me, but each and every one of them broke my heart into pieces. I had a couple of other relationships where I simply “settled” because the men would not take “no” for an answer and they actually ended up being very good to me, but I was not happy because they were not what I really wanted. It’s a “Catch-22”, you either spend a short time with the man of your dreams, or settle for someone you only halfway like only because he’s going to treat you better. Or do what I’ve decided to do, and that’s just to stay single. My last break-up was with a guy that I was totally and madly in love with. Just like you, the way he kissed me, looked at me, held me, talked to me, it was all just perfect! But after 6 months of total bliss, he began to lose interest and started treating me like crap. Here it is, a year and a half later, and I’m at the point where I can’t take any more of his emotional abuse so I’ve finally stopped all contact with him, especially since I was the only one working at trying to make it work. I’m still asking, “what happened?” I mean, what did I do so wrong to make this man than I’m so crazy about just stop loving me?

Anyway, I’ve decided to let 2007 be my learning and growing year. I’m getting back into going to the gym and working out again, because I’ve basically stopped going and gained a ton since this last break-up. I’m going to also go through some therapy to help re-build my self-esteem. I’m even thinking about going back to college next fall and work on my Master’s Degree. I’m giving all men a break for a little while until I can figure out how to make the man I want love me, and stay in love with me. I’m tired of settling. And if it’s not meant for me to be with the man of my dreams, then I’ll just stay single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 3:39pm

First and foremost I'm a guy...

Did'nt know this was really geared towards women mainly but learning a thing or 2 so it's cool. Much better than hookin up with the next person and hurting her ffeelings for no reason. I've done that once or maybe 2,3 times and never want to do that again.

I dont know much but i want to help in some way. So from my own expereince, i've seen some women to be the nuturing type-I think you mentioned that there has always been another girl. I remember times we're I was playin the field a bit and there were always a select few "default" women- girls that I turned to in a very shallow way to be with. that was wrong, i had no interest and just wanted company.

nowadays I'm open about that stuff. maybe he was just doing the same, som guys have'nt developed thier empathy skills and dont even realize what thye're doing, but it's not for you to realize it's only him.

As a girl once wrote me about my ever changing mind -when I was dating more than I could handle: "uncertainty does'nt do much for trust and trust is the best of friends I will ever have" or something like that- and to think of it that girl now she was awesome!

maybe you'll be his treasure in a few years, but listen to that message b4 abnout building yourself- logicallyt you understand you just gotta wait for emotions to cath up to that understanding -so i'd start building

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 4:10pm
I agree with the post about constructing a fantasy. Because in reality this guy led you on. In your words, he's weak. In your post, he's confused, went back and forth between the two of you, couldn't decide. That equals 'wishy-washy'. Is that what you want?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 4:10pm

I have a question for you:

Myspace Codes