Overwhelmd with pain
Find a Conversation
Overwhelmd with pain
| Tue, 06-21-2005 - 4:12pm |
My fiance and I just broke up. I was so sure he was The One. had no doubts in my mind. Then I got pregnant and lost the baby and since then things havent been the same. We tried making it work. We tried distancing ourselves to figure things out. We tried being friends for a couple of days to find that friendship that we had lost...but hes moving across the country in the end of july. I want so badly to go with him. I am such a mess right now and I really don't know how i can go on without him. Hes such a good person and I am really involved with his family. It hurts so bad to think of him across the country and finding another woman and marrying her and raising a family with her when i knew that I almost had that. That thought kills me. That some other woman is going to make him happy in a way that I can;t. That some other woman is going to share all those things with him that I was just looking forward to. How am I ever going to find someone else that makes me feel the way he did? I thought we would end up back togeher but last night he told me that we never were. He was moving and that was that. He's not ready for this relationship yet. He still has life to live. I want him to be happy so much, but then again, I want him to feel the pain I am feeling. I don't know what to do. I don't know how people go through this feeling sane. The hardest part is we are still living in the same house. We moved in with his paretns when I found out I was pregnant to save money because we were going to move to Virginia together (tahts wehre he is moving in July) when the baby was born. I am currently seeking employment and have no money to get out on my own. Right now he is in the next room sleeping. We broke up for a little while a couple of weeks ago...I was a mess then but I was sure we would end up together. I left for a while and came back, intending to move in with a family member. When I came in to pack my stuff one thing led to another and we ended up back together. Neither of us were happy..me becaues i was trying so hard to make it work and him because, well I dunno. We decided taht things just werent going right...we would be friends and figure this out. We would end up back together and I would move from Arizona to Virginia with him in July. Then last night...we were just hanging out like freinds do and i used to always give him massages, so he asked for one. so i gave it to him and then he gave me one and it was all very sensual and erotic and one thing led to another and...you can guess what happened next. Then i started crying afterwards and all he could say was "i dont know if we;ll end up back together. I dont know what I am feeling. We went through a lot and I am moving to Virginia and our relationship isnt ready for us to move together. " So I guess he was stringing me along, just like he had for the last couple of weeks. Finally he got the balls to say "we are never getting back together." That hurt worse than anything. Heres a man that I was so sure I was going to marry and raise a family with. I had sacrificed, I had offered him my all and it still wasnt enough for him. And thats a really hard realization. I still have pregnancy hormones raging because my miscarriage was only a little while ago. They stay in your system for like eight weeks and make things a lot harder than they are. My family never really got along with him and that had soemthing to do with it. I feel sick to my stomach and hopeless. But its better now that I know that we are never getting back together. Before...there was that constant hope...we acted so different.
Sorry that this is such a long post. I am just hurt and confused and experiencing more pain than I have ever felt in my entire life.
Edited 6/21/2005 4:37 pm ET ET by kunnarree
Sorry that this is such a long post. I am just hurt and confused and experiencing more pain than I have ever felt in my entire life.
Edited 6/21/2005 4:37 pm ET ET by kunnarree

Even though it was a boyfriend and not a fiance that broke my heart, I can relate to this statement:
"It hurts so bad to think of him across the country and finding another woman and marrying her and raising a family with her when i knew that I almost had that. That thought kills me. That some other woman is going to make him happy in a way that I can;t. That some other woman is going to share all those things with him that I was just looking forward to. How am I ever going to find someone else that makes me feel the way he did?"
All I can think about is how some woman is going to take MY place. I know that there will always be a special place in his heart for me since I am the first girl he's ever been in love with, but either way, why can't we be together still? I want him to be happy so desperately but I WANT TO BE THE ONE TO MAKE HIM HAPPY! I don't want him saying the things he said to me to someone else; It was supposed to be forever, but apparently "forever" seldom actually means what it entails when it's said. I have never been loved by ANYONE (including family) the way that my ex loved me. Family is supposed to love you no matter what your flaws are...and my family just didn't love me...my ex loved me flaws and all. I truly believe there are very few men in this world like my ex; most men run when they get a girl who has anxiety and depression problems (my depression was hardly as much of a problem as it was before I met my ex...he made me so damn happy. I did have one spell, but he stuck by me and loved me anyway), but he didn't. When I was sad or mad or full of PMS rage I would always jokingly ask "do you still love me even though I'm (insert undesirable mood here) right now?" and he would say "I love you even more--you need more love when you feel that way".
Try and keep your head up...I know it's hard though. I cry whenever I have a spare moment and it feels good to let it out, but not near as good as it did to be with him. Together though, along with everyone else from this board, we WILL get through this.
Sending truckloads of validation your way..
There are so many changes you are experiencing right now, I do think this is probably the worst time of your life. But I'll tell ya this right now. It will never get any worse than this, and if you can grit your teeth and get through it alive, you'll be better for it. I promise.
First things first. I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. That is a traumatic event for yourself and your relationship. Please take care of yourself. Give yourself time to rest and recoup. Go to counselling, get support.
Secondly, let your ex go. I know this is easier said than done, but I would think that the trauma of the miscarriage is all too much to handle for him at this point. Men and Women differ in so many ways. We are much more emotional and men can only take in so much at one time. Let him move and sort his head out. Don't torture yourself with thinking that he will be starting up with somebody else. With all that he has been through with you, I seriously doubt he'll be jumping into marriage with somebody else any time soon. And when he does, I'm sure you'll have moved on too. So don't torture yourself with the irrational "What Ifs" They can't be proven and they just impede us from healing and moving forward. They also will drive you crazy.
When my ex and I broke up a couple of months back, I too felt the same intense emotion. I thought we were on our way to be married too. But what everyone said to me then is even more relevant as the intensity subsides. It was better to know now, then to have invested time and money on a marriage. It was better to know now then to have kids with him only for him to leave me a single parent again of another child. It was better to know now, then to really be fooled into believing that he was The One.
Best of luck for your journey. It will be hard, but it will get easier.
hugs,
adc
-almostdoesntcount
<
i know what you're feeling... the pain is so bad, you feel like you can barely make it through the day. i used to call up my friends and family from work while i was going through my breakup and have ask them reassure me that it would be ok. i was in awful shape. but you WILL feel better. i didn't believe it when people told me and you probably don't either, but i promise you that you will. and life will go on. don't think about the future. think about getting yourself healthy and happy again, one day at a time. and know that it's a blessing in disguise that this is happening now, rather than after you're married and have children.
hang in there. you will feel a little better each day. be patient. use this board as much as you need to. please take care -- you have a double whammy of hormones and loss and you need to treat yourself with kit gloves.