Overwhelmed by Memories

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Overwhelmed by Memories
4
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 1:05pm
HI there--
Some of you may be familiar with my situation (I posted a looooong account of my whole saga back on Oct. 21) but, for a quick summary, I recently ended things with my boyfriend of one-and-a-half years shortly before he planned to propose, because I've learned I have a very invasive, later-stage cancer that I must now spend all of my time and energy fighting. If I manage to get the cancer into remission, I won't be able to have biological children— and having kids was extremely important to my boyfriend. Though he asked me, pleadingly, not to end things, I knew it would be better for him if I went off and fought this on my own. He deserves to find someone that he can, truly, grow old with, have babies with, be active with, etc. It's been 41 days (I count it in days, hours sometimes) since I said goodbye to him. Though I, too, struggle with the whole no contact thing, i haven't contacted him at all and I made it very clear to him that I don't want him to contact me.
Here's the problem: I miss him so much, and I feel literally haunted by memories of him. EVERYTHING makes me think of him. It's almost ridiculous. The stupid Price is Right theme song makes me think of him (don't ask), a random scent of a similar cologne, a movie I'm sure he'd like-- it's like, I am so desperate to shut off my brain for a while so I can just STOP THINKING and STOP REMEMBERING. Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with the memories and flashbacks that flood you after a break-up? I'm honestly not trying to obsess about him or wallow-- I try to focus on other things, but then some stupid reminder will pop up and I'm back going down memory lane. In the past, I've always had plenty of bad memories to focus on after a break-up-- bitter fights, annoying quirks, etc.-- but I'm at a loss here. Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 1:46pm

It is even more important in your case that your energies not be split in too many directions. I can certainly relate to how the small stuff can trigger memories. I know that the stop-thought process has helped others, but it didn't help me. I too didn't have bad memories to counter the good and trying to repress my thoughts just made it worse.
What did help me greatly was keeping a journal. As random thoughts would swirl in my head, I found it very relieving to write them down. A lot of time my entries were more like unsent letters to him. It allowed me to ride out the urge to contact him. Hope this suggestion helps. take care

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 4:14pm

First off, I am so sorry to hear about your situation, I can't even imagine how hard that must be.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 4:34pm
Hi Nikki and Lois--
Thank you so much for your advice. I am going to try journaling right away-- I don't know why that didn't occur to me before since, clearly, just writing to everyone on this board has made me feel better, so I'm sure journaling will help, too.
I guess what I'm going to have to come to terms with is the idea that I may spend the rest of my life loving Tom-- which is NOT the same as always being IN LOVE with him. But, in past relationships, I sort of always equated getting over a guy with, basically, finding a way to hate him. I used to think that any good memories or happy thoughts meant I wasn't "over" the ex or something. Now I'm learning, painfully, that this isn't always the case-- that sometimes, you can end something with someone and still go on loving them and thinking good thoughts about them, but it doesn't mean you ought to be with them or you ought to seek them out.
I remember once a girlfriend told me she'd broken up with a guy and that it was truly "mutual"-- I remember thinking "Yeah, right"-- but she said that the last thing they said to each other was: "Just know that wherever you are in the rest of your life, and whatever you're doing, there's someone out there who loves you." I thought there was no way she could truly feel like that, that surely there was no such thing as a breakup without recrimination and bitterness and anger. Now I know I was wrong.
But man, this still really sucks. Thank god for friends and family and girlfriends and sites like this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 2:45pm

I just had to write you and offer a couple of word of support and encouragement to you... It seems I might have responded on another board, but here goes again:

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