Oy. LONG post.
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 4:06pm |
What a great place this is. I'm reading every post I can. Here's a bit of my story to see if anyone has advice. I've been a single mom for 6 years. My son is 9 and my daughter is almost 7. I had wanted to move from Utah to LA for some time, partly because of the weather, partly because I loathe Utah, and partly because I've dated people from LA and like the mentality of the folks here. I came from an incredibly awful family or origin--very mentally abusive and boundaryless in every area. Last April I had emergency back surgery, and a month afterward my dad said I had to move out ot the little home he bought for me to live in. I had been in it a year, and KNEW he would do something like that. I just wanted the kids to be in a home, so I went ahead and let him get it `for us'.
I had wanted to move to LA in the fall, but now I had a choice--either move to another temporary place in Utah, or go for it. My back wasn't going to be healed for 6 months, but what could I do?
At this same time, I met a man online. We hit it off quickly. We seemed especially compatible intellectually. He came out to see me one weekend, met my kids, etc. I went out the next weekend and spent it with him, he came out again, and he said he'd help me move. At this point I had been raising the kids (one with bipolar) without much help for five years. My ex husband asked if I'd let him keep them while I got settled in LA. I did a lot of soul-searching, and my new boyfriend (Michael) told me I needed to make the decision based on what I truly wanted. And of course, what was best for the kids. I realized that if I dragged them out there with me without a job or place to live, it could be horrible for them. And I didn't feel that I had anything to give at that frazzled point in time. So I left them with their dad with the agreement that I could take them back when I was settled. We thought that would be this summer. I've gone back every month for a weekend to see my kids, and no longer have any savings. It is hard on the kids, BUT----- for the first time ever, my ex and I aren't fighting. He moved to a place near their school and in the cul de sac are kids who have become the best friends of my children. This is not something I could offer them right now. The kids are more stable than they even were with me. I didn't realize how frazzled I was at the time that I left. Or how much personal healing I had to do.
Michael flew out, and then drove me in my car to LA with whatever belongings fit in my VW bug. I was going to stay at his place for about a week until I found a place, but it turned out that we wanted to live together, and it worked nicely. He wanted me to be ok financially, and always tried to get me to make a budget. I never actually did. It killed him. He found me therapists (his shrink, and his shrink's wife). I had to let go of my family --even siblings--who were continually and horribly abusive. My shrink even had funerals for each parent so I could let go. Michael helped through all of this. He dealt with my strong emotions. My self-doubts. Moods. Insecurities. But early on, he mentioned that it was all too difficult. He always asked me to send things to my kids, and wanted me to become the strongest, best mother possible.
He suffers from depression too. He's on different meds for it. Even in the beginning, he would take little vacations without me. He's 44 and never married. Never had any relationship last too long. Had a horrible family too. Suffers from some self-loathing and has struggled on and off with his weight. He has gone to many therapists to see if his fear of sex can be cured. He's very afraid of it. In the beginning, we could be intimate, usually by role-playing, and he said it was surprising that he could allow me to touch him and not make him cringe. Well, after the first few months, he was too afraid again to have sex. Maybe we did it twice in 6 months. I never quite felt that he opened up to me after the first few months. I felt like I didn't know what was going on in his life (he didn't like to talk about work). He still tried to help me though. Went to some of my therapy sessions to help out. Always encouraged me to make a budget so that he could feel safe with me. Well--I'm starting to try it now that I'm on my own---for some reason it was just too hard for me at the time to actually do it with a spreadsheet, etc. I just managed my finances in my head. Once he bought me an exercise bike I really really wanted but couldn't afford. He always tried to lift financial burdens for me knowing my situation. Sent me flowers at work when I hurt my finger.
Well, I've felt more and more shut out over the winter, and finally he went to London for two weeks. We didn't communicate much. He has been in a deep depression for a few months, and he was miserable in London. Anyway--during the time he was gone I read a bunch of things about how not to dump on someone else, how to be calm, etc--everything I could do to be an easier partner. Despite the healing I had to do, I'm very kind and caring. I don't want to sound like I was ONLY a drama person. Even though I had made good changes when he was gone, he was still depressed. My therapist said not to push anything while he was this way. But after another night of basically ignorning me, I ignored him in the morning. I was cold. He took it terribly, and said he was going to go stay in the Valley in the home of his out-of-town clients. We met at my request that afternoon, and I was crying. We talked a little, and I said--does this mean we're breaking up? And he said--I guess it does. This was last Thursday.
So--he's been staying in the valley. He said I could take the time I need to find a place. I just did find a roomate situation near where I work. It will be tight financially, and I don't know if I'll be able to see my kids as often because he wasn't making me pay rent.
I miss him. We've talked on the phone every day both crying and saying we love each other and that this is so sad and the most difficult thing we've ever gone through. But he's certain that we need to break up. I have sounded a bit desperate on the phone with him--I said--I guess you are certain about this breakup-- and there was a long silence. He doesn't want to hurt, and he doesn't want me to hurt. Yesterday he told me he was going to help me with my first and last month's rent. He couldn't BE any more generous. Truly. And he's sorry.
My job doesn't pay well enough yet for me to raise a family right now. I have a bachelors degree, speak three languages, and have taught violin for 15 years, but I am working in the jewelry business with a great boss, and I hope to advance. I have many things that hurt and scare me right now. What if I never make more money? I still have to move this Sunday. I have to buy a bed. I haven't seen him. I miss him. I love him. He loves me. I have no parents or siblings now (and it is SO obviously for the best even though it's a big change). I'm terrified of seeing him before I move, and terrified of not seeing him, because I don't want to be weak and cry my eyes out and want to hug him and then delay recovery. And I don't want to ruin a chance of being with him again even though I feel deep down now that there isn't a chance. I think he's one of those `Men Who Can't Love'. I read that book three years ago after a breakup, and I guess I found another C-phobe. But he didn't seem like one. He talked of marriage, and being partners. I did feel like I was never sure what his mood was going to be. Whether he'd be warm and accepting, or withdrawn. He told me that he had an on again off again relationship with a woman for 10 years, but they never married or anything.
I do look at him as an angel in my life--he put me on the path to healing from my abusive past, and he brought me to LA where I wanted to make a life, and taught me about taking care of myself. I'm sick in my stomach over this breakup. I couldn't get out of bed yesterday, and couldn't eat. I got diarrhea even, because of the feelings in my gut.
I hope I don't sound like I don't realize how amazing he is. But I also hope I am conveying that he has issues too. I was willing to work with no sex actually, as long as we could eventually talk about it or make progress. His friends (who are now my dear friends) say that they're surprised the relationship lasted this long because he's not so easy to be with. It may be the codependent side of me, but I'm always willing to work on things. And he worked with me through some amazingly difficult transitions (including nightmares and suicidal thoughts when I was really low). In regards to that, with the breakup he said he can't be with someone who makes him responsible for whether they live or die. Understandable, although depression is a chemical thing, and I told him it's about my fears and circumstances, and not him.
I've got good therapists. I'm doing my best to keep my head up. I want to be able to provide and be a present mother again. I'm a little scared to move in with a woman I don't know--what if I leave clothes on my floor when I'm feeling down or rushed? I want to say that I want to make a budget and follow it strictly. Why is that so scary? My parents taught me to be helpless, and they'd offer carrots on sticks with money at various times, so even today I am scared to take care of myself. According to Michael and every other independent person in the world, I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. Somehow I just didn't manage to do it with him.
I'm confusing my issues with the breakup of the relationship, even though I know it wasn't all me. He promised once (and meant it at the time) that he'd stick with me no matter how hard of a time I was having.
Anyway--I hope I get responses to this. I can't imagine anyone reading this entire novel. I alternate between crying and feeling startled and breathing quickly to being weak, to having an occasional moment of clarity when I read the other posts in here. I haven't seen anyone be judged in here, and I'm grateful for that.

okay let me tell you something how could you take care of someone if you dont know how to take care of your own self. i mean your not a youngster anymore. your not getting younger either. you have to learn how to take responsibility of your own. i think aT this point instead of worrying your lovelife....why dont you worry about the future of your own kids. i mean i'm not saying that your being irresponsible mother at all or i'm not saying that you dont have the right to fall inlove again....I MEAN INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT THIS GUY...THINK ABOUT YOU AND YOUR KIDS...WHAT ABOUT THEM? ONETHING I COULD TELL YOU IS ITS ALL ABOUT YOUR KIDS NOW. YOUR KIDS NEED YOU. JUST THINK THIS WAY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN YOUR KIDS IS GONNA BE THERE...BUT THIS GUY? WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL THIS IS ALL UP TO YOU...ITS ALL ABOUT "PRIORITY".
GOOD LUCK
Yes, I agree wholeheartedly. I am, in fact, learning to take care of myself so that I can take great care of my children, who, by the way are amazing. I wish my own parents could have seen past their awful relationship problems and and noticed how badly their own children needed love.
I don't mind being alone--whatever is ultimately best for the kids is what I want--I'm just trying to mend from a broken heart like everyone else here.
i do understand your trying to mend your heart here. so pls dont get me wrong....coz sometimes people that are inlove forget the most imporant things that they need to fix in life. this guy will make you more confused inlife. i mean at his stage of age i think his more ready to have a good wonderful relationship. in other words HIS READY TO COMMIT.
YOU KNOW BETTER MY DEAR...I'M ASSUMING YOUR A SMART PERSON. SO DONT MAKE THIS GUY PULL YOU DOWN. HIS NOT WORTH AT ALL. YOU DESERVED BETTER....AND ONETHING YOU ARE IN "LOS ANGELES"....THERE'S A LOT GUYS/BETTER GUYS OUT THERE...COZ I'M FROM LOS ANGELES TOO. IF YOUR LOOKING FOR A RIGHT PERSON TO SETTLE DOWN I DONT THINK HIS THE ONE.
WELL ANYWAYS DEAR THIS ALL UP TO YOU...I'M HOPING AND WISHING THAT YOU FIND THAT GUY...I MEAN NOT ONLY A GUY. "A MAN" THAT WILL MAKES YOU HAPPY, RESPECT YOU, LOVES YOU AND YOUR KIDS.
GOOD LUCK