in pain
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| Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:13am |
i'm posting here for some support and advice. i'll try to explain my story the best i can. i had been with my bf (still can't bring myself to say ex) for 2 years. he lived with me and his toddler daughter was here weekends. over the 2 years we became a family. this was the best, most supportive, most fulfilling relationshipi have ever been in. I knew from the beginning that thoguh he was comitted to me, it might take a while for him to be ready for marriage. he is divorced and has some issues to be fully healed i guess. well six months ago, i brought up marriage. i was ready, he was not. it became a source of hurt feelings and arguing and he almost left. he ended up staying and i dropped the marriage talk. our realationship went on. we were so happy. he had great reltionships with all of my family. well i started feeling the marriage pressure again a few months later ( i was getting pressure from my family, my friends and myself) he was able to say he wanted marriage and family with me but could not give me a time frame of when he would be ready. all he knew for sure was that he was not ready now.
Last week, my doctor reminded me that my clock is ticking. i brought up the discussion with him that night and told him that i wanted to be married or at least engaged within the next year. he soberly told me he didn't see that happening. two days later he came home and told me the only thing for us to do is break up. it was so devestating for both of us. we were both crying so hard, and i have never seen him cry. he just feels that he wont be ready in my time frame. i told him i could wait but he feels that's not being fair to me and that the topic will only keep coming up every couple of months. he left. i had to go out of town on business 2 days after that. (how i made it through i have no idea) i got home yesterday to find he had moved all (most) of his things out. Oh my god, i felt/feel like i would die. the only things left are his daughter's things (i'm trying not to read into that) and a few other things. i'm sure he'll be back for them in the next couple of days.
the night we broke up, he said things like "who says we wont get back together?" and he wants to keep dating (me), he's not going to date anyone else and "maybe i just need some space to think and maybe i'll come back wanting exaclty what you do". these things gave me hope, yet he still moved his things out. is that a sign of finality? he has spoken to some of my family. in the beginning, they said he was a mess. he told my sister that he loves me so much but just isn't ready to get married. and again suggested maybe he just needs some time.
so here i am a mess. i can't stop crying for more than an hour at a time. waking up and seeing my bedroom, without his dresser, or tv, and without him next to me is almost more that i can take. i feel panicky, scared, empty and most of all deeply sad.
i've been kicking myself for pushing marriage. he said when we broke up "it was never a matter of IF only a matter of WHEN" but that was hard for me to remember when he cpouldn't even give me a general idea of when he would be ready. i should have just shut up and waited.
can anyone advise me of what to do? i haven't called him at all. he called me to let me know he was coming to get some stuff when i was out of town. it's been six days. i only want this to work. i miss him so deeply. there was NOTHING wrong with our realtionship and like that, it's over. i want to believe it's not. i want someone to tell me it's not... i don't know how to treat this. i can't accept the mind set that's it's over b/c i'm not sure it is. i'm fearful it is. we're supposed to talk next week. i'm so afraid. i want to keep seeing him , but will that only prolong my pain? i know he loves me and wants/wanted a life with me. he's just so scared. and he's agreed twice to go to therapy but changed his mind. does he just need to miss me?
if anyone has been through something similar or has any encouragement, for me, I really would so appreciate it. thanks in advance.

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I've tried posting to you a couple of times today but I'm having technical difficulties. Hopefull this will get through. The pain you are in is coming through the message board so loudly that my heart just goes out to you. I wish I had some wonderful insight to share with you but I'm afraid I'm just as confused as you are. I am in the early stages of a break up myself and was completely unprepared for the flood of emotions I've been feeling. Although in my case, I wanted the break up. I can't imagine how awful it must be when you don't want the break. The only thing I will say is you should not blame yourself. You were having an honest conversation with him about a very real concern you have. There is nothing wrong with that. A relationship must be able to survive open communication. I hope he reconsiders but either way, you are not responsible for his response.
Take care and stay strong. Keep posting too. I'm sure many of us would love to hear the outcome of your story.
Michele
Hello Rain,
Its indeed hard the immediate few days post splitsville. How old are you? Remember women have kids much later these days...heck, even after 40! I assume you are in your late 30's for an MD to comment on that..anyway, you are getting pressure at both ends and then pushed it onto the ex. Well, since you are split, why not use this time to figure out what you want. Stop listening to the comments of others and sit with your feelings. I really regret so many played into the push to get married. Was he the one? Was it wonderful and did he treat you well? Really examine things. I cannot help but wonder that something wasn't quite right for him to end it so easily?
Come here often ..it helps..
i am actually in my early thirties. i know- please don't say i shouldn't have pushed him- i am already beating myself up for it and it feels like hell. i have not heard from him and have not called. he had told me he'd have all his stuff moved out by the end of the weekend. well, it's sunday night and he hasn't been back to get anymore. i'm trying not to read anything hopeful into it.. like maybe he's reconsidering?... probably he's just been too busy or he's waiting until he knows i wont be home? any guesses? i don't know if it's better that it's here or better if it just goes.
i'm afraid to go to sleep b/c when i wake up, it hits me the hardest. i roll over and he's not there. or i go to look at the clock and it's not there (it was his). i woke up yesterday from a short nap and thought about what we'd do that night- then i realized he's not coming home anymore. i hate this so much , i just want it to go away. i want my old life back that was somehow ripped away with no warning.
we were supposed to go on vacation in march with his family. he told his sister that he hopes i can still go as friends. what the *** does that mean? one thing i guess it means is that he does not see us being back together by march if we're gonna be "friends" on the vacation. we have to book it soon or lose it. i don't know what to do.
Do not worry about March..I fall victim to that too...Listen, you are human. At my age of 40 something I sometimes regress to high school like behavior. Sometimes I think if I videotaped or recorded what I said and did I would be appalled. When this happens I know this is "old" stuff from childhood...that is why for me, therapy makes best sense.
FORGET ABOUT HIM and March and what people say and his friends..concentrate on what you need to heal. This is the task. We are so used to dancing around their words and actions and feelings.
Hello Rain, welcome to the board.
First off, I want to tell you how sorry I am for what you're experiencing. Breaking up is really hard, and it's even worse when you didn't want the breakup or see it coming. I know that from experience...
That said, I think you need to accept that your relationship is really over. The reason your ex ended things so easily is probably that he knew he could not commit to marriage and he knew how important it was to you. That is what any decent person would do in that situation. It sucks, but you did the right thing to push for what you want. You deserve to be able to get married and have children. Even though you love your ex, he isn't worth sacrificing those things for, in my opinion.
I know that because of the pain you feel right now you wish you hadn't pushed your ex, but trust me, you really are better off. All this means is that there is someone better out there for you, someone who you'll have that great relationship with, but who wants to get married to you as well. There really are guys out there like that...
Forget about that trip in March. If you're like me, the idea of being friends with your ex is probably not all that appealing right now. I mean, it's possible that by March he will be seeing someone else, and I'm sure you don't want to see or hear about that. (I know he said he's not going to see someone else, but when two people are breaking up they usually say a lot of things that they don't really mean/aren't true, both good and bad).
I hope you don't think I am being too harsh. I just want to see you do what is really best for you, and in my opinion, what's best is if you accept that the relationship is over and start the healing process. He did not want to get married (not now, and probably not ever, he was only stalling for time/making excuses) that is the bottom line. Unless you can accept that if you and your ex are together you may very well never get married, then you need to accept that it's over.
I don't know if you're the kind of person who reads when they're feeling down about something (I do that a lot), but I liked both "He's Just Not That Into You" and "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken". I think they're both humorous and can help you see why your relationship had to end and what to do now that it has.
Please let us know how you're doing!
-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!
i emailed him the other day to ask him why he hadn't come back for the rest of his things and if he intended to. his response was that it is the best thing to do for now and that he would be coming for them soon. i told him that it was confusing to me when he kept using the term "for now" and that i needed to know if it was OVER. all he would say was that he wanted to be friends. i told him we could talk about the friendship issue when he came.
he came that night. he walked in and laid it out bluntly for me. he said, for the first time, that he see's no future for us as a couple. he was so firm and matter of fact. it killed me. how could he say that when a couple weeks ago, he saw me in his forever future? he said he's thought about it and knows that we are just on two/too different time frames for the things we want. God, how could he do this? what did he think we were doing together for two years? just hanging out? this pain is so bad, i just don't know what to do.
he still has not moved out the rest of his stuff. i emailed him today to let him know when i would not be home (i'd prefer not to be there when he comes). he responded that he will try to get it out as soon as he can and to please bear with him for a few days. this is killing me. how do you move on from what you thought was forever to it being just OVER? without warning?
I feel your hurt and confusion. I am recovering from an "instant" breakup too. He had time to think about and accept that it was the right thing to do while he was still with you. You didn't see it coming and this is still shocking to you. I have a hard time understanding how someone can turn it on and off so quickly also. The truth is that it doesn't matter how they can do it, what matters is that they already did. There is no question in his mind that it is over. I am feeling and dealing with the same pain as you and it hurts so bad.
One of the things that has helped me is knowing that when things got tough in your relationship, instead of him trying to work through them with you, he bolted. Life is going to be tough and you don't want a partner that will leave you every time you really need him, especially if you have kids with him. He has shown you what kind of guy he is.
Someone posted on here recently "The man worth your time will never leave you and the one who leaves you isn't worth your time".
I hope this helps you and my heart goes out to you. Be strong and know that you will get through this.
As lifesregrets pointed out, the problem with this breakup (and most breakups) is that the "dumper" has been thinking about ending the relationship for days/months/years before it actually happens.
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