in pain

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2005
in pain
21
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:13am

i'm posting here for some support and advice. i'll try to explain my story the best i can. i had been with my bf (still can't bring myself to say ex) for 2 years. he lived with me and his toddler daughter was here weekends. over the 2 years we became a family. this was the best, most supportive, most fulfilling relationshipi have ever been in. I knew from the beginning that thoguh he was comitted to me, it might take a while for him to be ready for marriage. he is divorced and has some issues to be fully healed i guess. well six months ago, i brought up marriage. i was ready, he was not. it became a source of hurt feelings and arguing and he almost left. he ended up staying and i dropped the marriage talk. our realationship went on. we were so happy. he had great reltionships with all of my family. well i started feeling the marriage pressure again a few months later ( i was getting pressure from my family, my friends and myself) he was able to say he wanted marriage and family with me but could not give me a time frame of when he would be ready. all he knew for sure was that he was not ready now.

Last week, my doctor reminded me that my clock is ticking. i brought up the discussion with him that night and told him that i wanted to be married or at least engaged within the next year. he soberly told me he didn't see that happening. two days later he came home and told me the only thing for us to do is break up. it was so devestating for both of us. we were both crying so hard, and i have never seen him cry. he just feels that he wont be ready in my time frame. i told him i could wait but he feels that's not being fair to me and that the topic will only keep coming up every couple of months. he left. i had to go out of town on business 2 days after that. (how i made it through i have no idea) i got home yesterday to find he had moved all (most) of his things out. Oh my god, i felt/feel like i would die. the only things left are his daughter's things (i'm trying not to read into that) and a few other things. i'm sure he'll be back for them in the next couple of days.

the night we broke up, he said things like "who says we wont get back together?" and he wants to keep dating (me), he's not going to date anyone else and "maybe i just need some space to think and maybe i'll come back wanting exaclty what you do". these things gave me hope, yet he still moved his things out. is that a sign of finality? he has spoken to some of my family. in the beginning, they said he was a mess. he told my sister that he loves me so much but just isn't ready to get married. and again suggested maybe he just needs some time.

so here i am a mess. i can't stop crying for more than an hour at a time. waking up and seeing my bedroom, without his dresser, or tv, and without him next to me is almost more that i can take. i feel panicky, scared, empty and most of all deeply sad.

i've been kicking myself for pushing marriage. he said when we broke up "it was never a matter of IF only a matter of WHEN" but that was hard for me to remember when he cpouldn't even give me a general idea of when he would be ready. i should have just shut up and waited.

can anyone advise me of what to do? i haven't called him at all. he called me to let me know he was coming to get some stuff when i was out of town. it's been six days. i only want this to work. i miss him so deeply. there was NOTHING wrong with our realtionship and like that, it's over. i want to believe it's not. i want someone to tell me it's not... i don't know how to treat this. i can't accept the mind set that's it's over b/c i'm not sure it is. i'm fearful it is. we're supposed to talk next week. i'm so afraid. i want to keep seeing him , but will that only prolong my pain? i know he loves me and wants/wanted a life with me. he's just so scared. and he's agreed twice to go to therapy but changed his mind. does he just need to miss me?

if anyone has been through something similar or has any encouragement, for me, I really would so appreciate it. thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2005
In reply to: raintoday
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:43pm
i really appreciate your perspective and don't mean to sound (whatever, can't think of the word) but i'm not sure he had been preparing for the break-up. he had just bought a vacation time share and we were planning our grand vacations, that and talking about making other joint financial commitments. yes, he knew that we had a problem with our time frames and being on the same page there so maybe in that regard he knew there was trouble ahead, but i know he still loved/loves me. i guess not enough to try to make it work, though, right? btw, what does one do about that immediate sense of panic upon waking up?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: raintoday
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 7:24pm
I get up in the morning and write. It helps a lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: raintoday
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 10:21am

it really does suck and it hurts sooooooooo bad...i'm so sorry for your pain. i wish there was something i could say or do to make your pain go away, to make it easy to just breath again, but unfortuanately there isn't. i just want to tell you that you're not alone, and i too, and many others on here are hurt, sad, and in disbelief.

i wonder that all the time too...how do two people go from "forever" to "never"? how do two people so in love and so happy, and talk about marriage, children, a home etc...end up suddenly being strangers and just a distant memory to eachother (if even that).

hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
In reply to: raintoday
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 11:02am
Good question that I still don't have the answer. I can't stop thinking that they were truly never in love. The love that I feel can't go away in such a short time. I may be able to end it in years but not a week or two. I really wish I could. I have dated a lot and I was never in love with any of them. I was totally honest with everyone so they didn't let their walls down. When they wanted the relationship to go to the next level I would tell them that I don't feel the same way about them as they do for me, and I would move on. I was not hurting one bit. I can't get past my f bf not feeling the same about me but lying to me and saying he did. It took a lot of hard effort and emotional strength to tear my walls down so he had to be determined and he knew exactly what he was doing. He should have been honest because this is not a game. He should have let me keep at least some of those bricks up but he swore and cried and begged me to give my heart to him... for what? So he can feel like a winner, a conquerer. Well he won and I'm the one in misery now. I wish they would understand that messing with someones heart is not a game. That being honest about your feelings is the only way not to emotionally and physically destroy someone. It sucks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: raintoday
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 11:34am

i totally agree, it is definately not a game to play with someones heart/emotions...it's just cruel and selfish, and honesty would cut out a lot of the pain/misery/drama...but unfortunately, there are many people(not just men) out there who are just calous.

but i was more so referring to people/couples who weren't "wronged" or "played" by the other....a genuinely healthy relationship...but even then, sometimes someone does get "wronged" but it's not always because someone is cruel or calous, but we're all human and we all make mistakes...and we all have issues..it just really sucks.

oh, and by the way....you are NOT the loser...remember that. in the long run, and in time you will learn and grow from this...no one is the loser or the winner, it's not a game.




Edited 11/18/2005 11:36 am ET by trying_2_heal
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2005
In reply to: raintoday
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 6:19pm

well, it's all over. today he moved the last of his things out. he left the keys. after two years, and what i thought was going to be for the rest of our lives, he left the keys. i have an empty bedroom designed for his little girl. i just don't know what to do. the house is so empty. quiet. i am so alone. i am in so much pain, it physically hurts. i feel like i am coming out of my skin and this has been going on for 15 days now. i have lost ten pounds, i feel like i don't even know who i am anymore.

he wants to be friends and said he'd leave it up to me to get in touch with him when/if i'm ready. he sounded so business like when we talked, just about making arrangements for him to get his things. he said that he can't wallow in pain forever, he had to pull himself up. after two years? what will i do if he starts to date? how can he be to someone- be with someone- the way he was with me? i can't stop thinking about what would have been. thanksgiving, christmas. i can't wrap my head around this. we were fine three weeks ago. and now my life is totally changed. i just want this to stop. how do i adapt to this? how do i make the pain and anxiety go away and what do i do with the memories? they are everywhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
In reply to: raintoday
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 9:59pm

I'm so sorry. I know you probably just want to curl up in a ball and wait for the pain to pass. Even though you have no idea how it's possible that this pain will pass. I wish I had the answers, I'm also dealing with an break up(three days old.) And I want the same thing.

I know this seems a little drastic, but what about moving? Leave the place that you two shared behind. At least everywhere you look there wouldn't be memories. I can't see a picture, hear a song, nothing right now, without being overcome with emotion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: raintoday
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 8:47am

i'm so sorry for your pain, i too, like many others on here have felt that horrible pain where it's even hard to breathe. my break up was a year ago, but i still remember very vividly how it felt...i still hurt but not as much thank God.

i want to share something with you...something which helped me, and it may not work for anybody else, i don't know, most people thought i was insane when i did this. when my ex and i broke up, we both moved out of the apt we lived in...which if possible for you, like the other poster suggessted, that might help a bit. when i moved, i kept all our memories packed away, but i couldn't/wouldn't throw them away. my goal was to be able to think about him/us and smile and have fond memories because it really wasn't a bad relationship, and he was a wonderful person. yet it seemed impossible to do that because the thought of him or seeing his pic's when i was unpacking was like a knife stabbing through my heart. i wanted amnesia so i would forget him and the pain would stop, yet, i didn't want to forget him, and i couldn't anyways because everything reminded me of him. so this is what i finally decided to do... i took a pic of us when we were together and very happy, and i put it up in my living room..yes, insane...maybe, but it worked. i forced myself to face us..it hurt and i cried everyday, but eventually, facing that and facing that that was the past, and letting all that hurt/pain out was somewhat healing. because we can't hide or runaway from our pain...we have to face it, and sometimes we are afraid to face it (very understandable), so this little excercise forced me to face it.

i pray that you find what works for you...there really is no way to stop the pain though, especially your break up is so fresh..we just have to go through it. i read in a book that our emotions are the pathways to our souls....feel it, don't fight it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
In reply to: raintoday
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 12:47am
sorry. i know i'm a day late on this one. hope you are still reading these. i'm responding to your statement where he has come over topick up his items and tells you bluntly and coldly that he just wants to be friends. i have been there today. i have his voicemail (from my ex, not yours of course) on my phone and i listen to it to relive that anger and fuel me into letting go. it says "sorry. this will be my only phone call in response to your question. you need to let go. it's time to move on. it's over. i need you to let go. i'm sorry i can't do this with you, a break up is just that, a parting/seperating of two people. i'm not abandoning you, this is what i need to do. this is over for me". that is what i heard today. i cried and cried. i wanted to call back a million times and ask why. why days ago did he say he couldn't imagine me out of his life? i didn't know those words had a 2 day expiration date on it. i get more from a carton of milk and it doesn't tell me it's time to move on when i toss it out. i'm sorry for your pain. i just saw that post and i had to respond b/c it hit me inside where i am right now. i think of how we'd be watching movies and laughing if i'd just calmed down and let him do his thing, just like i did my thing, but oh no, i had to have it my way. and now i have nothing and he wants to be far away from me with someone new. that's not your situation it's mine.....sorry venting and advising at the same time is hard. it's not that i think you created your sitation b/c you didn't. i would've done the same thing. you want to get married, you've met someone you could love forever why not progress to the stage of commitment and children. i understand all of that and i don't condemn what you did in the least. be strong. know that there is hope, while this tunnel seems long and lonely and there really seems to be no light, i think you can see a crack of light farther down. that's what i believe. i've been thru breakups before, i know this feeling and being this confused girl and wondering "Why" all the time. i'm sure you've been there too, you know it gets better, there are bad days, but don't beat yourself up over wanting want the majority of our society today deems as a normal desire if not need to get married and have kids. it's normal, you didn't do anything wrong. you voiced a concerned and he bailed, either he was having doubts (and if so shouldn't have been voicing how you were the woman of his future) and this was all he needed to make a clean escape. my friend wrote this to me today, a guy, and said, "it's like he took the fire escape when you would've just given him the keys". it's true. i'm sure if he wanted to just leave you would've obliged. i'm sure w/a heavy heart, but nontheless, you would've done it, but to bow out so easily and just b/c you voice a common concern. not fair. not fair at all. i'm here too. in another part of the world; feeling that sense of loss. you are truly not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2005
In reply to: raintoday
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 9:25pm
Just wanted to thank everyone who has responded with advise and good wishes. I'm still in a pretty bad place emotionally right now, but I hope that in time the pain and disbelief will dull. I'm also hoping that you all are doing ok.