in pain
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| Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:13am |
i'm posting here for some support and advice. i'll try to explain my story the best i can. i had been with my bf (still can't bring myself to say ex) for 2 years. he lived with me and his toddler daughter was here weekends. over the 2 years we became a family. this was the best, most supportive, most fulfilling relationshipi have ever been in. I knew from the beginning that thoguh he was comitted to me, it might take a while for him to be ready for marriage. he is divorced and has some issues to be fully healed i guess. well six months ago, i brought up marriage. i was ready, he was not. it became a source of hurt feelings and arguing and he almost left. he ended up staying and i dropped the marriage talk. our realationship went on. we were so happy. he had great reltionships with all of my family. well i started feeling the marriage pressure again a few months later ( i was getting pressure from my family, my friends and myself) he was able to say he wanted marriage and family with me but could not give me a time frame of when he would be ready. all he knew for sure was that he was not ready now.
Last week, my doctor reminded me that my clock is ticking. i brought up the discussion with him that night and told him that i wanted to be married or at least engaged within the next year. he soberly told me he didn't see that happening. two days later he came home and told me the only thing for us to do is break up. it was so devestating for both of us. we were both crying so hard, and i have never seen him cry. he just feels that he wont be ready in my time frame. i told him i could wait but he feels that's not being fair to me and that the topic will only keep coming up every couple of months. he left. i had to go out of town on business 2 days after that. (how i made it through i have no idea) i got home yesterday to find he had moved all (most) of his things out. Oh my god, i felt/feel like i would die. the only things left are his daughter's things (i'm trying not to read into that) and a few other things. i'm sure he'll be back for them in the next couple of days.
the night we broke up, he said things like "who says we wont get back together?" and he wants to keep dating (me), he's not going to date anyone else and "maybe i just need some space to think and maybe i'll come back wanting exaclty what you do". these things gave me hope, yet he still moved his things out. is that a sign of finality? he has spoken to some of my family. in the beginning, they said he was a mess. he told my sister that he loves me so much but just isn't ready to get married. and again suggested maybe he just needs some time.
so here i am a mess. i can't stop crying for more than an hour at a time. waking up and seeing my bedroom, without his dresser, or tv, and without him next to me is almost more that i can take. i feel panicky, scared, empty and most of all deeply sad.
i've been kicking myself for pushing marriage. he said when we broke up "it was never a matter of IF only a matter of WHEN" but that was hard for me to remember when he cpouldn't even give me a general idea of when he would be ready. i should have just shut up and waited.
can anyone advise me of what to do? i haven't called him at all. he called me to let me know he was coming to get some stuff when i was out of town. it's been six days. i only want this to work. i miss him so deeply. there was NOTHING wrong with our realtionship and like that, it's over. i want to believe it's not. i want someone to tell me it's not... i don't know how to treat this. i can't accept the mind set that's it's over b/c i'm not sure it is. i'm fearful it is. we're supposed to talk next week. i'm so afraid. i want to keep seeing him , but will that only prolong my pain? i know he loves me and wants/wanted a life with me. he's just so scared. and he's agreed twice to go to therapy but changed his mind. does he just need to miss me?
if anyone has been through something similar or has any encouragement, for me, I really would so appreciate it. thanks in advance.

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I just wanted to send you a ((((((hug))))). I too have been dealing with losing the "man of my dreams." My break up was sudden and connected closely with my bf finding out that his ex wife was getting remarried. In the same phone conversation we went from looking at a flight so that I could go and see him to breaking up (we have a long distance relationship). People told you that if he could do this to you, he's not worth it. I completely agree. Anyone who would break your heart and leave like he did to you, isnt worth it. I found this quote on the long distance relationship message board about break ups, and it has helped me tremendously:
You are worthy of someone who will love you whole-heartedly. You are worthy of someone who will not make you cry. You are worthy of someone who will not make you doubt yourself, but will make you understand how they appreciate you as you are. You are worthy of ‘allowing’ yourself to love the way you want to, whether that means sending your SO Hallmark cards and care packages or changing their oil and cleaning out their fridge. You are worthy of someone who will allow you into their life, not keep painful or dangerous secrets, or keep you as a secret. You are worthy of someone who is emotionally available to you, all the time but especially when you’re needing a little extra. You are worthy of someone who doesn’t expect you to change to suit them. You are worthy of celebrating your successes and not having to dwell on or relive your disappointments. You are definitely worthy of someone who wants to be with you, and will do what it takes to have your love, and won’t give up on you when the going gets tough.
I hope you are able to heal a little at a time. It gets easier with time... just be strong and allow yourself to feel the way that you need.
Chris
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