A painful but necessary breakup??
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| Sun, 02-11-2007 - 7:55pm |
Hi:
I apologize for the length of this letter in advance.
I just broke up with my boyfriend of nine months. I know it has been a short time but it still hurts just as bad. I think it was necessary though. Here is why I question that. When we met in April of last year, we would do nice things together like take walks, drive out on the town and hang out, eat out and so forth. I was alreday a bit hestitant to get involved with with and start letting myslef like him from the jump because I just got divorced in 2005 and I just have this fear of totally opening myself up to someone and then I get hurt. Be it because I find out he is a player or lying about something or whatever, so again I'm trying to keep a certain distance between us in an effort to protect myself from being hurt. Anyhow, that didnt work. I eventually fell for him and fell hard. in the beginning stages of our dationg, he told me how torrential his last relationship was. He was with her for 10 years and they have one child together. According to him, she started cheating on him when they were engaged and lying about things. He totally dedicated himslef to her financially and emotionally and she just treated him terribly. She does not like him seeing his son and she takes every advantage of keeping him away from him. She is always rude and nasty to Lane, Lane is my ex I'm talking about, and just gives him a general overall hard time. And she was the one who broke up with him. All this ruin he experienced with his ex has put him in a bad position to this day because he does not have his own place. He stays between 2 of his siblings houses. His credit is all messed up. And he is broke. I tried understanding his position because I know people get in bad, unexpected situations all the time but it started affecting our relationship. He has wanted to introduce me to any of his family because according to him, they all think since his life is all screwed up now with no place of his own and bad credit and being broke, he doent need to be with anybody. Lane is 38 years old and comment on that was no matter what, even your family, says, you have ultimate control of your own life. You're a grown man. So throughout our 9 months of dating, I have never met any family. With regard to his son, I never him either. He has stated he came by my home several times unexpected, didnt call, and I wasnt here. He has never just planned a time for him to bring his son so I can meet him. It has always been a drop by. I found that suspicious. I know where he works and we go to the same gym, thats how we met but thats it. I was so curious about him that I actually did a people search on him online and got some addresses on him and even had my friend, who works in a position where she can look up sensitive personal information on people, look him up and she got me info on him with regard to addresses and phone numbers. I went by one which happened to be his brothers house and spoke with is brother. Now Lane has been telling me that he was staying at this brothers house before and made it seem like he was taking care of him beacsue he was ill. Anyhow, I went over to the house and sat and talked with is brother. It appears he is ill but he is still conscious enough to talk and walk around. His brother said he does not stay there. Actually, he said he was looking for Lane because there are creditors calling there all the time for him and he gets tons of mail there. I told him what Lane said about the family not want him to be anybody and he laughed. He said they dont care who he is with. Lane has been in just such a dump since his breakup and they have been telling him he needs to get his life together. I confront Lane with this and he said the brother is lying about him staying there because they dont wanna see him with anyone.
We have been to church 1 time when we atrted dating. I told him one of the things importatnt to me in a mand was having God in his life. He professed he goes to church but has never invited me and wouldnt go back with me to my church. And get this, he has still gone many times without me which bothered me. Then he said the mother of his ex goes there and he didnt want to risk any conflict. If there not together anymore, whats the problem? This bothers me a lot.
When he has come to spend the night, it is always he has to leave early, like anywhere from 8 to 10 am due to getting reafy for church, getting his son through arguing with his ex, or is used to be something with regard to taking care of his brother. Thsi bothers me because as my boyfriend, I want you to stay with me sometime and spend the day or something. Atleast sometimes.
I have gone through many instances of braeking up with im. Saying this was too much for me and there were too many inconsistencies with him. But through him asking me back and pleading for another chance, I went back. He had told me there are things that he hasnt told me because he is embarrassed about his situation and he feels bad. This is what kept me around. I wanted to show that I can be there through good and bad times and I'm not all materialistic and fancy dinners. Then after just continously dealing with more from him and constantly thinking about all the things I'm dealing with not meeting his family or son, being broke all the time to the extent of where we stopped doing things and he just came over all the time, and other stuff, I finally said its over. He once again asked for one more chance and that it would be different. I tried it again but said it was over again. This last time was the last time. It really is over now. He hasnt called me for 4 days. I am in sooo much pain though. I love him. I feel stupid and idiotic for letting myself get involved with such a man but I did. I have bben crying and I even broke down and call him on the third day of him not calling me thinking I wanted to try again but he didnt answer the phone. Now his phone is off because he didnt pay the bill. I know he may sound like a loser and liar and I should of known better but I fel for him. What do I do? How do I get over this? Should I still hang in there for him and realize he is just having a tough time? Should I leave him alone? Everyone I have told about him said should leave him alone but I didnt because of how he made me feel. I think about him constantly now. I think about how he has tried to help me by helping me pay my rent one month, buying me diamond earrings this past Xmas, fixing things I needed fixed, etc. Then there were times when he wasnt there like when I lost my job. Please advise. I hurting and confused.

I'm sorry you are hurting badly. As I read your words I can feel your pain.
I believe you felt like breaking it from him because you weren't getting your needs met
the way you believed you should be. Then when the break up happened you are second
guessing yourself, because you feel bad,...lonely..sorry...?? Maybe if you do
something good for yourself and start thinking about what YOU really need, you might
start to feel better. It is Okay to think of yourself. You are not a selfish person.
If you are thinking about what Lane needs and how Lane feels you will be putting his needs in front of your own. What do you need? What makes you happy? How do you really want to be loved? How do you really want to give love? What is a healthy realtionship to you??
I believe your heart felt something was missing in your realtionship to suggest a break-up and that is why your relationship ended the way it did. Trust your intution. You are
the only one that can make the best decision for your own life. No matter what someone says to you. The answers are in you. Your intution will lead you in the right direction.
I know you are hurting and it would probably feel very good to get back together with Lane, but know in your heart of hearts what is good for the long run for you. What is the healthiest decision for your life. If you and Lane are to be together, you will be.
Please take the time for yourself and know that you did nothing wrong. You only felt and did what your heart wanted, which was a change. You did the right thing. I wish you the best and will be praying for you. Peace to you! - Paige
Hi fashionique, welcome to the board.
Hi:
Thanks everyone for your advise and replys. It has been very helpful.
I am still hurting over him. I wanted to give so much to making our relationship grow and i just feel as if my heart has bee ripped out of me. I am on the verge of tears quite often. I love him. I want to be over him because i know he isnt good for me. Valentines Day was so hard. I was thinking maybe even thogh we're going through what we are, he would at least call and wish me a Happy Valentines Day. But he didnt. I just dont understand. He said he loved me and i fell like if you truly love someone, you listen and compromise with the person you love to be with them. Maybe he really never loved me. This man admired me for 6-9 months before he approached me to talk to me at the gym and I saw him but didnt pay it any attention. We started talking and in the beginning it was fun and nice. We did things. Simple things like walks in the park, went for ice cream, movies, went to poetry readings, etc. I was trying to fight being intimately involved with him because I wanted to try something new and concentrate on other aspects of having a relationship than sex. I felt like if all the other parts of our relationship worked out, sex would make it stronger. But we ended up doing it sooner than I had thought. I dont know. I'm just hurting. Im trying to convince myself the relationship wasnt good for me and to move on and get other aspects of my lfe together but its hard. I just wanted to know more about him. Where he lived. Meet some family. Go to church together. He just kept telling me he was embarrassed about his living situation and didnt want to tell me for that reason. He felt like if he told me wahat was really going on, I would not want to be with him. I feel if you love me, you should be able to trust me to tell me. Not to mention, if your witholding pertinent information about you, I dont really know you. Your taking away my choices.
I just want to be over him and have the pain go away.....I keep thinking he could care less about me.
What gets me is that in your posts, I see a lot of good truth in there, good guidelines for yourself; you know what you want.
Hi:
I am still thinking about him. I know deep down that he is not the one for me. It just still hurts. I long for him and miss him. I have been up to his job during his breaks a couple of times to confront him and he just says I dont listen to him and he doesnt know what else to do. I am doubting myself again. Did I make the right decision? I must say as time passes, it does get easier to let go but I havent reached the point of being totally done yet. It excuse after excuse and this should be enough to make me wanna be done. I gave him 9 months of my life. In a way, I know thats not long but it still a significant amount of time to establish something emotional. I dont know. Maybe my lonliness is stemming from still getting adjusted to being alone from my previous marriage. I was married for 10 years and we got officially divorced in June 2005. It's like I am having such a hard time being by myself. People always say enjoy being single and I try to but sometimes its not so fun.