Perpetuating the myth?
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| Sun, 12-19-2004 - 12:26am |
I'm a newbie, so excuse me if this question has been answered before.
I've noticed in several postings at this site and in "Abandonment and Healing" the suggestion that finding a new person will make it so much easier to get on with one's life. Some have seemed overjoyed to have someone new so soon after a bitter break up. Are we perpetuating the myth that one can only be happy or complete with someone in their life to acknowledge their worth? And wouldn't someone be more prone to be in another troubling relationship if it started this way?
Wouldn't it be healthier to identify one's mistake going into, through, or getting out of a relationship first? Then, one can work on resolving that mistake so as not to repeat it. This takes time, both in getting through the various emotions and in concentration on the matter. Getting through this step would be an important part to affirming your own worth without acknowledgement from others. I think this would make a more desirable and stable person to others.
I know this takes time in a culture of instant gratification. But, you only get burnt once if you learned your lesson the first time. I'm not saying to hold back if someone wonderful comes your way. But, don't be in such a rush.

What a great post Mimiche! I happen to be one of those that immediately went from one relationship to the next. I broke up with my ex and went right to someone else. I thought that the grass was greener on the other side. While I don't regret ending my relationship, I do regret immediately hopping to the next one. Now I'm dealing with the loss of two at the same time and the conflicting emotions I have about both. On the one hand, I was with my ex for 6 years, so I know all the unhealthy issues, the pet peeves and all of the other reasons the relationship didn't work out, and the longevity we had made me understand these issues were not about me as a person. On the other hand, jumping right into the next relationship, which only lasted two months, leaves me with NOT knowing what their unhealthy issues, pet peeves and other annoying habits are. So now I take it as a personal rejection, and I DON'T have the longevity factor of knowing the reason it didn't "work out" is not because of me as a person.
Maybe if I had taken the time to grieve the loss of my relationship before getting involved in the next one, I would have saved myself alot of TIME and ultimately maybe I wouldn't be in this position of now questioning my worth as a partner. No matter how a relationship ends, whether you are the "dumper" or the "dumpee" there is a loss. That loss MUST be embraced, mourned, felt and dealt with before the next relationship has ANY opportunity to become healthy. Otherwise, you are right, we are then just asking for more empty, unhealthy relationships. Ultimately, I think the reason we do move on so quickly from one relationship to the next, ONLY is so the we can avoid feeling the emptiness, pain, hurt, etc. that we feel when a relationship ends. I know now that is what I was doing in my case. No one wants to hurt the way most of the women on this board are hurting, so we look for ANYTHING or ANYONE who can make that feeling go away. Eventually, it only catches up with us...and it DOES catch up with us, no doubt about it. And usually by the time it does catch up with us, we're dealing with the loss of several relationships when we could have made the whole process much easier on ourselves if we had just stopped, got our sh** together, made ourselves a better person from having loved and lost and then moved on to the next "perfect" match made in heaven.
Great thought provoking post Mimiche. Post More!
I hear a lot of this "take a break and think of what went wrong in the relationship and what mistakes you ve made"
I totally disagree. I think in my past relationship I made no mistakes. I was generous, understanding, loving and faithful. A person who leaves me for any of these values, did not deserve me in the first place and I m better off without him.
In my past relationship I totally believe I was the ideal partner any person would dream of. This is what my friends and his friends told me all the time. so why should I mourn and blame myself for things that are totally out of my control. I met a new guy while I m careful not to jump into his arm the next evening however, I like the attention he gives, the hope that I might still get a chance to love again, the admiration and appreciation that my ex took for granted... I m not saying to start a serious relationship (Anyway no one should ever start a serious relationship) but with time you can discover if this person was a right choice and if not nothing is lost you should not be too attached to someone you just met...