Phychological Torture
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| Sat, 09-17-2005 - 6:40am |
I have posted on a few other boards trying to find a fit. I'm not quite at divorce stage yet, not sure if he is cheating...I'm just making myself insane with pain and even though I know he is toxic to me I can't stop loving him and wanting him back. I feel so stupid and weak. Why can't i just not love him anymore it would be so much easier. All I want is for us to have a happy family and marriage...why is this so hard to get for some of these men. With the most minimum of effort and caring they would have happy homes instead of distraut upheavel. I just don't get it. I have always been there for my husband, loving supportive to the tenth degree. I am just in shock that he could be this shallow and cold after 16 years together. I know this is long but
Here is the story: Basically He had an affair 5 years back. It ended, he told me about it and that he had made a big mistake and he wanted to come home, plug back in to the marriage. I took him back and for awhile thought things wer going to be better. I even thought we were pretty close and started to consider him my best friend. Then he started going through career swings. He is a musican in middle age..so you can figure that one out. All of the sudden this summer he gained popularity again and he became mister cool once more. I had been noticing a steady decline in our sex life on top of it all. THEN...I found out I had breast cancer. He has been horrible to me in ways I can't even begin to explain. In the end I had the masectomy which was fine.I was so glad just to be alive and fine afterwards...it was dealing with him that was devestating to me. He has been 5 weeks now not able to look at me naked, repulsed by me the whole works and now I fear he is seeing someone again.
We had it out a few days ago and i spelled things out. I told him I felt our marriage was in severe trouble, that we needed to work on it. I said what I needed from him, which was reassurance that he still loved me and found me attractive, that he wasn't leaving me. He went in to this long speil which basically ended with the fact that he wasn't going to change and I wasn't accepting him for who he was. HUH? Who the hell would? I couldn't believe the way he was acting that i ever really knew him at all he was being so cruel.
BUT...I was giving him a chance to step up to the plate and say the right things. He didn't so I told him if that was the case I didn't want to be married to him anymore.
Well..he took it calmly and accepted it coldly. He has been sleeping in the yard in our camper now for 3 nights. I am being tortured. I just can't believe he is choosing to act this way. I need serious help.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but after reading your post my gut reaction is that your husband is the one who needs the serious help. You have been through a lot and have not asked anything unreasonable or unusual of your husband. You should not even have had to ask him to support you through this tough time, and the fact that he refuses to step up to the plate does not say much for him or his character.
Divorce is a long and difficult process, and I can understand why you would be hesitant to do it, especially if you have been married for awhile. However, from what you have written, I do not see this man changing. He seems extremely self-centered and immature.
I don't really have a lot of advise to offer since I have not been in a situation like this myself. Have you considered seeing a counselor? Even if your husband won't go with you, going alone could help you a great deal. You have a lot on your plate, and I think talking things out could really help.
If it were me, I know I'd want to give my husband one last chance to step up. I would try and talk to him and make a written list of what you need from him. Tell him that these needs are absolute and if he cannot meet them, then you two need to part ways. A relationship is a two person union; it does not work if one person is bearing the entire load. If he does not want your relationship badly enough to fight for it, then it needs to end. There are thousands of good, decent men out there who know how to treat and support a woman; there is just no reason to stay in a toxic relationship.
You need to realize that you are your own person and even if your marriage comes to an end, you still have yourself and your friends and can have a great life. This is your life, right now, so get on living it! Torturing yourself or letting an immature man torture you is no way to spend your life! There are so many better things out there.
I think that your husbands actions (or lack thereof) have shown you how he feels. Men are not that complicated, they may not always say exactly what they mean, but their actions always show it. Try to relax, talk to a counselor, post on these message boards, and spend some time doing things you enjoy. I don't think you should try and ignore your problems, but don't live and die by them. In the end, this will pass and you will come out of it a stronger person.
Sorry I don't have a lot of experience with this one, but I hope that helps! Keep us posted!
-Nikki
I am going to counseling on my own, and looking into what my legal rights are just in case. I need to be coming from a more secure place so I can trust my own mind. It is so sad to me that the damage he causes when he pulls this mean crap makes me lose feelings for him They pile up and after awhile make a bit hole. I don't feel loving twords a big hole. LOL
Im so sorry to hear what you have been through,especially after your mastectomy.
I have only recently decided to make the split after 25 years of marriage. Believe me though, I have contemplated it for a long time, we were separated once and I have done and threatened it a few times too. I or he always came back though. However last week it was like the straw that broke the camels back and there wasnt enough left between us for me to even want to forgive him.
I was more than willing to accept him faults and all for the sake of our marriage. What was difficult was that he couldnt treat me with the same level of respect. There comes to a point where we either say 'no more", or alternatively if you arent ready for that, accept what is and make the best of it. It is your choice.
Only you can decide when and if you think you both still have hope together. Making the choice is really hard and taking the step to leave, if thats what you decide is harder still. I struggle every minute of the day. But the one thing that helps me through is the fact I am totally sure this is the right thing for me. I waited for many years until I thought it was the right time. Now I know there is nothing more I can do, and even though I have suffered a lot, I have no regrets.
As for you, it sounds like you arent ready to give up yet. So keep trying. Perhaps you can both work through this and be better and happier for it. However please remember you deserve to be happy and we all deserve to be loved.
Donna
Edited 9/19/2005 1:24 am ET ET by sasifrazed