playing games

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
playing games
18
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 5:17pm
So, I brought the new guy I've been dating to a work function. Well, it was a community service project, working outside, landscaping, hard labor stuff, but my firm sponsored a group. People brought their SOs, kids, and friends. I brought new guy. We had a great time last night, finally seemed to connect in bed (with a major "but," though - technically, it was good, but it wasn't emotional and intimate and close like with my ex, you know?). So, impulsively, I invited him to come along. I didn't really explain who he was to anyone, so he could be SO or friend, but I'm sure it was apparent he was not just a friend. He looked good, too, tall and tanned and handsome. He looked a lot younger than my ex, as well, even in the harsh morning light. He's about a year younger than me, almost 2 years younger than my ex, but he looks quite a bit younger than that. I got some side comments from coworkers about "the cute guy."

I don't know if it was right or wrong to bring him to the work thing. I've never brought anyone to any work-related event; my ex was always traveling, or too busy, or we'd broken up (summer is when we do most of these, and last summer he dumped me). But I do know that I had a bit of a game going on, and I feel terrible for it. A couple of months before ex and I broke up, a mutual friend of ours, half of a couple we often hung out with, started working at my firm with me. It's awkward that she works with me, she was really my ex's friend. She and her husband are who passed along word of my home purchase to my ex. They are like spies, really. It's awkward, because they were his friends first, so we're not exactly close, but they are pretty gossipy and, well, I knew when I invited cute guy along that word would quickly get back to my ex. So, maybe I smiled at cute guy a bit, let him touch me more than I ordinarily would at a work thing, acted flirtatious.

Am I a bad person? Is it heartless for me to have brought this guy, knowing that the mutual friends are almost certainly on the phone now reporting it? Knowing that I work with half of this couple that we used to spend so much time with, what is the protocol, should I have attended these events solo for a while just to spare my ex's feelings? Given that I never brought him (well, I would have, if circumstances had allowed it), does this seem unnecessarily cruel to have brought a guy I've only been out with a few times? And, I know the answer to this question - how foolish am I to be waiting for some reaction from the ex (very foolish and very sad, yes, please don't flame me).

Here's the thing - I left my ex after he behaved like such an ass to me during my cancer thing. But I really extended myself foolishly after I left. I just loved him so much, I wanted things to work out for us. So, I told him I was sorry for having hurt him, I told him I wanted to hear his side. I told him I wanted to forgive him. He didn't respond to any of it. I told him maybe I'd been unfair, too critical, expected too much. He told me we were "never meant to be." I suggested couples counseling. He told me our relationship was awful and something he wanted to forget ever happened. Weeks later, I told him I'd always had a problem with commitment, that I had probably pushed him away, given him mixed messages, that it was *all my fault* that he hadn't been supportive during my cancer scare, and I asked him to forgive me. That's a pretty low point, I have to say that. I know some people agonize about sleeping again with an ex, drunk dialing, whatever, but what I did is pretty embarassing. I left, with good cause, but managed to talk myself into apologizing to him and blaming myself. It made me feel so small and stupid. And even then, he never responded. So, a big part of me taking cute guy out today, and guaranteeing that the ex will get a full report, is to reclaim some of my dignity and "show him" that I'm okay and moving on. I can't believe I'm playing these games. Justified? Awful? What is the protocol for exhibiting your newly dating self around mutual friends, or "his" friends? I shouldn't go solo to every event thrown by my firm, when other single attorneys bring guests, just out of some exaggerated concern for a guy who didn't care a fig about my feelings, right?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: milton333
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 7:24pm
anyone....?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
In reply to: milton333
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 8:10pm
Milton,

I don't think you're a bad person. What would you have said to us if we had posted that? You may have said something along the lines of...he obviously hasn't spared your feelings why should you put your life on hold for him? Do you think you are maybe feeling a bit guilty? This may be about you and not really about hurting him. I think it's great that your mutual friends would inform him of your "date."

I guess it can be construed as playing games, but it also can be taken as you are moving on. If your ex finds out, good. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing such a good job. I hope to be where you are at 4 months. I'm at 5 wks and doing pretty good.

I know I have fantasies about going out with someone and bumping into my ex, just to hurt him or maybe show him that I am ok and moving on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
In reply to: milton333
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 8:45pm
I don't really know the whole story about your break up w/ your X, but I don't think you should feel guilty AT ALL for bringing ths new guy around, esp if you know your X will be the feel report...I think it should be an even more reason to do what you did. It's not playing games at all, you loved your X and you probably still have deep feelings for him, but if he hurt you and didn't want to be with you, I think you have every right to show him that YOU CAN be happy without him, and that you are moving on...even IF you can to fake it. You mentioned that it was a pretty hurtful break-up which left you feeling like you were to blame, and you felt that you lost some sense of dignity...well if flaunting your new man will make you feel good about yourself, then go for it! DON'T feel bad about it. Everyone deserves to be happy. Someone on this msg board reminded me that you only look foolish if you make yourself FEEL foolish...It shouldn't be about how your X perceives you, it's about how you feel about yourself.

I've done a similar thing myself...I was on/off my X for 5 yrs but it just didn't work out in the end, and we broke up about a year ago. My X was always the one breaking out of or relationship, and on some level I think he thought that I'd always be there waiting for him (I think our circle of friends thought that of me too). Anyways, he moved on to another girlfriend and I eventually started dating someone new (which is the guy I'm having issues w/ right now-but that's a whole different story). It was my X's sister's wedding recently so he was there w/ his new gf, and I was there w/ my new man, and although I was COMPLETELY over my X and wasn't putting on a show for him & my friends, I knew they saw how happy I was in my new relationship, and how it was obvious that I moved on (not to mention the fact that my new man was taller, skinnier, and so much sexier then my X...heheh :P ). And although my new relationship didn't work out and I'm back to being single, it definitely feels good to prove to my X that I'm not miserable without him, that I'm capable of attracting other men, and I deserve to be happy.

So I don't think it's playing games at all...you're not a bad person...it's to regain your sense of dignity that you felt you lost in the break-up. You need to do what you need to feel better about the situation and to be able to move forward.

Hope this helps =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: milton333
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 9:01pm
There's a quick summary of my breakup at the second paragraph here:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=15857.12

Basically, after almost 2 years together, he flaked out after I was diagnosed with cancer, acted like a selfish and immature jerk, wasn't interested in talking about my fears, diagnosis, and treatment options (sample - talking about it isn't going to change anything, right, so let's stop talking about it). See above for more of the story.

Avatar for delilahha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
In reply to: milton333
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 8:37pm
Well Milt, I'm back. Been a while, decided I needed a break from BUIHTD and try and put ex behind me. I have and I see you have too. Good for you. I have followed your break up and taken your advice, now I have some to give you: Why care what he thinks or anyone does for that matter--your over? I have gone through a bit of what I think you are going through with my "chubby man." Nice guy, laid the world at my feet but very questionable chemistry if at all. But it felt to be desired by a man after being kicked to the curb and when I went to places that I knew my ex would be, it felt great to have a line waiting to dance with me. Its okay to feel the way you do--heck its their loss, we know we are valuable and someone else will and does appreciates us even if they don't get the picture. Getting over the ex was the most difficult things I have done. Even now he haunts me in that I have done the on-line dating thing and have met a man that I really click with (the first since the ex) but I am scared to death to risk and take a chance. Plus I'm 48 and am dating and available for the first time in 30 yrs and all of a sudden I have men wanting to date me right and left. (Not all from the net either!) So I'm in no mode to fall for the first one that pays attention to me, even though he's pretty tempting. I am so glad you are doing better, the last time I was on here you were still wallowing in your pain--good for you that you are moving on! We never thought we'd make it and we have. You, me and Joelparish and many other.

As far as taking him to your work outing--enjoy, why not? And if his busy buddy friends tell him, who cares? You are getting what you deserve and so is he! Quit feeling guilty. I went through a period where I was concerned about bring a prospective man to the club that we dance at because I was worried about how it might affect him or hurt him. I figure now that I'm not going out of my way to be hurtful, but he is out of my life and he is the one that decided that I wasn't the "one" so hey, he can deal with the consequences. Its time to move on. PLUS he may not care. We hate to admit that, but he may not. I used to get upset about my ex talking to other women but now I actually pity them because I know he will run scared from commitment like he did with me and with those before me. I'm glad its them and no longer me. SO do what you need to do. Just make sure that your not using the new man to replace the hurt or void of the other one. I had to work very hard at that after being burnt.

Best to you and happy to hear about the house and the new zeal in your life.

Hugs, Delilahha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
In reply to: milton333
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 11:21am
Hi Milton,

I've always love your posts. I think they are great and insightful. I do not think this is playing games at all. I think it's moving on with the life that you are choosing to live and so be it if he hears about it--that's his loss. He could have beent he one to be there had he not acted the way he did toward you.

Although, it's funny about the spy thing. I am surrounded by them here at work and throughout our network. It was funny because I haven't talked to the ex for a few weeks but at that time he knew my girlfriend was coming into town this past week. Amazingly, one of our "mutual" friends would bring me Starbucks every afternoon and chit chat with me about the visit and how it was going and what we were up to. I shared what I wanted to and that was that because I know he talks to the ex like 4 times a day (seriously need to get lives :-).

So today, I get into work and check my VM and sure enough I have a message from the ex saying "Here's a voice from the past" blah blah blah and saying he was glad that I had fun when my girlfriend was here and telling me what he was up too and would like to talk to me when he gets back. I deleted the message and thought I'm enjoying myself way too much to be concerned with him and his selfish ways.

Again I don't think it's playing games, I think it's living your life.

S~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
In reply to: milton333
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 12:05pm
Milton,

I think people are missing one key factor here though. It is NOT a game if you trully like this person and you brought him to your function because you wanted to be with him and wanted him there.

However, if you are USING him to make your ex jealous than i think thats wrong. This guy has feelings too and he may be a rebound guy for you but perhaps he is looking for something real. I have no idea how casual this all is, but i urge you to be careful in delineating why you are doing what you're doing and the people that may get caught in the crossfire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: milton333
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 12:15pm
I hear you. I will say this guy and I had a very serious talk about our expectations. I think it's a rebound for us both. At the moment, we have agreed to date, casually, without an expectation of a serious relationship developing. He's very independent, as am I. Believe me, I know how easy it is to hurt someone new after coming off a big hurt yourself, I don't think we're heading there. While it is possible that "something real" will develop, I think we're planning on having a fun summer together, and that's about it. We're getting out and having fun, getting to know each other, but neither of us is in active relationship-seeking mode, and while it may come to that some day, we've talked about giving each other a heads up if one of us is feeling serious. We've been seing each other for 3 weeks, that's a bit soon to be thinking "relationship," and we're both on the same page there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
In reply to: milton333
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 12:29pm
Thats great that you are keeping hte communication lines open from the get go. Veyr important.

HOw long ago did things end with your ex? Just wondering cause its been 5 wees for me and i honestly can't even imagine dating casually.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
In reply to: milton333
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 1:14pm
Milton,

What about the guy here? He probably has no idea about your alterior motives , so just keep in mind that he may think you care more than you do. Screw what your ex might think, you have every right to bring anybody you want to any function you like. Just keep the other guy's feelings in mind..........both sexes seem to play these games and it's not right.

MB

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