Please advice......

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011
Please advice......
5
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 2:49pm

I am really depressed at this moment and need someone to talk to and advice.

My fiance and I broke up about 1 1/2 weeks ago. He had been leaving and not coming home at night. Even let his daughter with me a few times so he could go do whatever it was he is doing. I asked him what was up with him and he said he was stressed out and depressed over money and his job. Trying to tell me he doesn't know if he wants our relationship to work out because I don't trust him and other stupid excuses. So when I found out he was sleeping with someone else, I left. It wasn't a happy leave. I was beyond hurt and confused. I hit him and threw things. Police became involved, but I now have all my things out of the house. Now the girl he was cheating on me with is his new girlfriend. Always at his house....I live right down the street and see her car there all the time. It hurts so bad. He told me over and over again that I was the woman he had waited for. We were about to get married next month!!!! All this started up when he started hanging and drinking with his friends. He originally gave up alcohol to be with me because he really wanted out relationship to work. Mind you, we were together 1 1/2 years. We had a family. He treated my two kids like his own and I treated his like my own! I don't contact him and pretty sure I will never get any closure. I just don't understand how he went to being so in love with me to cold and heartless. It is like he wanted me to break up with him. He told me I didn't have to move out, but he wasn't ever really coming home, and I won't put up with a man cheating on me. Also this girl is a fellow coworker of his and 19 years old....He is 28 and I am 30. He told me once that all he wanted was a family and he had that with me. He honestly treated me so good and I believe I treated him well too. Why in the world did this happen to me and my kids?? I just have so many questions and I am tired of crying...

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 4:55pm

[quote=wearewhoweare]<p><span style="font-size:medium">I am really depressed at this moment and need someone to talk to and advice.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:medium">My fiance and I broke up about 1 1/2 weeks ago. He had been leaving and not coming

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 11:47am

Wow. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. But as to "why did this happen to me and my kids?", thank God it happened sooner rather than later. He obviously is not the man for you. Maybe he wanted to be but alcohol among other things wouldn't allow him to be. At 28, maybe he still has maturing to do before he can be a stable and supportive partner. It does seem strange though that if all was well between the two of you, he suddenly pulled a Jekyll and Hyde. Regardless, he betrayed you emotionally and physically and it doesn't sound like you have any intention or desire to rekindle things (rightfully so). It's really just about moving on now, which is made all the more difficult by his close proximity to you. The right attitude is all important here. You need to move past the grief and realize you're quite lucky to have discovered all of this before wasting any more time or love on him. You need to focus on all of the positive things in your life, which will bring more positive things into it. Explain to your children that some people come into our lives to stay and others are only passing through, he being one of the latter. And when you see the 19 year old's car parked in his driveway, rather than feeling jealous or angry, feel relieved that you've rid yourself of a negative force that she's only begun to deal with. His actions belong to him alone, they are not a reflection on you. Good luck in the days to come and keep in mind that a short while from now, this will not be the devastation it feels like now. You'll look back and think, phew, that was a close one.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 7:50am

It's possible he got scared about getting married - the timing seems too close to be coincidental. Maybe he was afraid he could never continue to live up to this ideal family life picture he'd been living. With his past problems with drinking, maybe he was too afraid he'd let you down one day and it was better to do it now than later - and so he turned back to alcohol and pushed you away. In my experience, people can only successfully kick an addiction by doing it for themselves, not for other people. When you're doing it for someone else, the pressure to live up to their expectations can be too much sometimes. 

I know that it will still hurt but try to keep in mind a few things:

1. You were strong and wise enough to refuse to put up with this behavior. So many people don't have the strength or confidence to leave a relationship when it turns unhealthy like this but you did. Good for you, stay strong.

2. This didn't happen after the wedding. Leaving may have been even harder. I know it's easier to imagine what it would be like if it never happened at all - but you'll drive yourself crazy thinking that. You have to assume this was inevitable and therefore it was better to find out now than later.

3. I know it must be hard to see his new girlfriend knowing he cheated on you with her - but I don't expect them to last very long. I would not be surprised if she is dependent on alcohol too and that's the only reason he's with her - because they enable each other's addiction. An unhealthy relationship like that will never last.

You may be right that you will never get more closure than that. But you've got to work with what you've got and try to move on.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 7:31pm

dupe

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 9:39am

Thansk for your kind words. I am still hurting very badly. I find myself happy some days and others miserable. I guess I just have a lot of unanswered questions. I text him 3 days ago asking him to tell me what happened to us so I could have some closure and move on. He never text back. So I am no longet going to try anymore. I do love him so much, but he has caused me so much pain. When we were in the midst of breaking up, he wrote me a little letter saying that I didn't have to move out, he is sorry he has caused me so much pain, but this is how he is. I can't fatham that though! This man went from treating me like a princess to treating me like a stranger. It has been two weeks today that I have been moved out of his house. The breakup was terrible, but he hurt me so bad that I was extremely angry. I don't even know if he still is drinking, happy with his younger girl, or what!!! This man went from telling me I was his everything to totally kicking me out of his life....and my kids and his...which we loved like they were our own. I am just so so sad!