Please be gentle...broke no contact
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| Tue, 02-15-2005 - 1:59pm |
I usually pride myself on making wise decisions. Last breakup, for example, I stuck to no-contact for over a year, until I learned through the grapevine that my ex had come out of the closet some nine months before. I was over him by the time we talked, and whatever, it was fine.
This breakup has been different. I want to slap myself now. I posted here and on the Asking Mr. Answer Man thread all of my angst and confusion over this breakup. His feelings changed...that's it...that's the only explanation I got, and I started piecing together different things I know about him to start wondering if he's afraid of commitment or not ready for it.
Thinking that "wow, what if this is a plausible explanation for why things ended so abruptly, and what if nobody ever plants this seed in him...maybe he'll never figure it out and he'll be the 48 year old 'uncle' to 300 of his friends' kids." Duh, not my problem anymore but somehow I thought it was.
So I sent him a copy of He's Scared, She's Scared by Stephen Carter. I really had no ill intentions (at least not in a conscious way!) and I didn't include a note or anything to force or request a conversation about it.
But it seems to have gone over really badly. The friend who set us up said that my ex was uninterestd in why I sent the book, wondered whether I sent it to be nasty, and that he didn't want to be nasty in return. Great. So now he gets to hop on a moral high horse and claim superiority. I really didn't think our breakup was so negative that we would assume the worst intentions of the other person. :(
So now I'm feeling completely stupid and that I've completely lost my dignity.

Well, completely stupid and without dignity is often how one feels after breaking no contact, particularly to communicate a revelatory point that has struck us about our ex's character. I'll confess, I forwarded to my ex an article about co-dependency, because I was convinced it was his problem and that his extreme neediness and low self-esteem was the root of problems in our relationship. It didn't go over. Oh, well.
This is one where the message just cannot be heard because of the messenger. This is like (for example) telling his new girl, the one he was cheating on you with, all about what a creep he is - she's not going to believe it, coming from you. His irritation is actually pretty understandable - what if he'd made some "diagnosis" of your mental health (e.g., you have crippling low self-esteem) and sent you a self-help book? You'd be hurt, offended, angry, etc. Well-intentioned or not, it's inevitable that it won't be well-received.
In the future, use your diagnosis of his "problems" to assist you in getting closure with the relationship and to help you ID characteristics of the problem to watch out for in future partners, but keep it to yourself.
Oh, well, what's done is done. You know you did it with good, if misguided, intentions, so forgive yourself, get back on the no contact horse, and move on.
Sheri
This is so simple....and you've got it overcomplicated.
Feelings not being facts....were not what he was using when determining what he wanted in life overall. He had lots of POSITIVE FEELINGS about your interaction as it was when it involved distance. That dynamic suited him.....it didn't involve alot of interaction and compromise in his life, and it offered alot of pleasure, excitement, and intrigue to his life.
Feelings....as a result of the situation.....in light of his needs/wants/goals/expectations. But what I seriously doubt....is that he wants "a relationsip".....at least right now.
A relationship is a job...it involves you maintaining your individuality but in a different structure, it involves you eliminating some of the personal options and opportunities (not women whatsoever) to consider and meet the partner's needs and desires appropriately. IT's a huge job.
Some people think everybody is dating is "interviewing for a relationship" - and my personal opinion is that most people that start out "dating someone LD" are NOT interviewing for a job that they would take. They're interviewing for the experience of interviewing, to assess better for future reference what they want and need if ever they decide "this career" is for them.
So "no contact" isn't a solution or cure. No contact is the period where you get to get your head back on track as far as your respect for this person as a individual, in ilght of what you wanted in life - they didn'tw ant, and you kinda/sorta had been doing and giving in light of where you thought this was headed...that now you know it isn't.
No contact doesn't apply to them....and it requires that you stop you from thinking about "what it is they're thinking". If you can't control your thoughts - you'll run around terrified of yourself for life.
So.....you've taken it upon yourself to bsically "pass judgement" and send a statement his way to that effect. That you "not wanting a relationship as I see it means that you've got issues and problems and here is some solution possibly to that, becuase obviously you're not evolved or mature enough to know what it is important."
Heads up......lots of people go out and create a great life, and have NO prioritization on being parents or partners and they love every second of their lives in teh fullness they've created. They consider parenthood a thing to be avoided at all costs...and they have no desire to compromise the life that they've created to meet the needs of other people. they're extremely complete in hemselves, not egotistically, and they're not "not thinking past today" - they have no desire to meet someone's needs or share someone's sorrows - and they don't want anybody helping with theirs either - thanks so much. And they have no problem including people that want into the excitement, glamor and fun that pervades their lives - as long as this doesn't compromise my options within my plans, and eliminate my opportunities.
So you've basically sent the message "I'm more mature than you, I know what is important, you don't, here read this and see if you can find the flaws within you that are going ot have you 48 and being an uncle only"....guess what - that might be PRECISELY where he wants to be.....so that he's free to fly around the world, pursue his career, participate in sports, explore the rain forest, etc. etc. etc.
At least, per your posting as to his supposed statements - that is how he perceives it. Now....be honest......if he'd sent you the book "He's Just Not That Into You" - so that YOU could learn the signs of people interested in having fun, sex, romance, and share companionship without you interpreting as they want a life with me......how would you have responded to that?
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I probably would have been upset...and then I probably would have contacted him to ask what his intentions were (because I realize that intentions and impact are not always the same and that a bad impact does not necessarily mean there was a bad intention).
I know that no contact is for me. I know I need to stop caring what he thinks of me--but that's a process, no? Not something I can do overnight. I'm also just ashamed of myself, which is almost worse. I totally lost my cool and I hate being misunderstood (by anyone).
I partly but don't entirely agree with your diagnosis of what happened. Given his stated desire for marriage and kids, and given that we openly told each other (him first!) that the other was the kind of person we were each looking for--in terms of values, hopes, goals, life experiences, etc--things looked very good and we were seemingly on a forward trajectory even if we were LDR. He had never had an LDR before, unlike me.
So in my confused state after the breakup, it just seemed like commitment anxiety of one sort or another was a possible diagnosis. Which is different from your analysis, because you seem to be assuming that he was totally consistent in his thoughts, words, deeds, and actions in support of an unattached lifestyle of "one". They weren't.
I half want to send one note--to be the end of contact--simply to say, "Hey, sorry for the bad impact. Sent the book out of my own confusion, but I can imagine how it felt to get it."
On one hand you say "intentions" count...on the other you're saying that how someone interprets what you do is nothing you control.
Intentions do count - YOUR intentions...but intentions are just words. This might put it in perspective "how many people in this room when they took their first drink intended to become a drunk?" There you go.....alot of people do not "intend" to end up where htey are but through irresponsible actions end up there. And alot of people "intend" to go places they never reach - because they never take themselves there.
Actions count....actions are what'll make or break you. intentions are words that you can manipulate around as situations change if you're not self-honest and self-aware.
You can't control how he interpretted your gift. So stop trying to fix this...there is nothing to fix.
In the first 9-12 months of any regular contact relationship you talk in generalities - while thinking you're talking specifics. "I want marriage and children, you have the qualities in a spouse I believe I want"...that is all interpreted to mean that the future you're discussing is now possible to begin - becuase of those statements. No, it simply means that now the future he believes he might want, he knows is a possibility if he really wants it now.....and that he didn't pursue it indicates he really didn't "want" waht it is he claims.
Think about it this way. Norman Rockwell has created images of what we're all "supposed to want"....and we see thos images and in still life they represent security, serenity, assurance, love and acceptance...and the still frames of time which are Hallmark and Kodak moments to get to - involves alot ofwork, effort, sacrifice, self-responsibility and awareness and diligence. Alot of us aren't wanting to put in the work - to get the painting. We'd rather 'have the painting" on the wall and stare at it longingly......or believe in very set moments "this is what we've got" - but i that mmoment we might have that situation....not necessary what it is that image is meant to cnovey and portray and imply.
I believe the guy had nto had a relationship in several years, according to one of your previous psots. Did you believe that he was unable to meet people where he is...was he in jail? Or was that becuase nobody "turned him on" - in the sexual and intellectual way - was he in a monastary? OR, was it becuase in reality nobody near him appealed because they represented obligation and requirement - along with enjoyment and fun...and what he wanted was NOT those components combined in his life....because he's got what he wants overall, and he wants to "add" to it consier a "relationship" to be ahobby - that he can interact with on his terms, for his needs, and that is all.
You need to stop obsessing about what he wants, why, and how he intrepreted your action. That he said to someone he considered it in poor taste and wasn't going to stoop to that level to respond indicates that he lacks objectivity...which means he lacks rationality, which means he lacks maturity and self-awareness.
Move on.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I yelled "NOOOOOO" at the computer when I saw the last line of your post...hopefully you've resisted the temptation.
Just let it be.
Sheri
Awww sweetie, take it from the queen of unwise decisions regarding the ex, you won't get your foot out for awhile. I too broke no contact with a final "I will miss you". I think your intentions were honorable, but I'm sure you see now that there was no way it was perceived that way. Its ok though. I don't reccomend contacting him again, because I would get flogged severly, but if you wanted to give him a note saying "ever have one of those moments you wish you could take back? well, I did, and I'm sorry, I do just wish you the best."
deep breath, we can't change their minds, but come to a place in our own hearts that we did all we could.
hugs to you
rose