Please Don't Criticize!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Please Don't Criticize!
1
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 4:42pm
Hi, my name is Carolein. Usually I'm on the TTC #1 boards, but I'm taking a breather from that AND Trying To Conceive #1, because timing and other things don't feel right at the moment. DH is Jason; Ex is Adam. Here's my story (sorry it's a long one).

Adam and I were together over 5 years. We had a great relationship, lots of affection and caring. He had family probs 2 years ago and moved out and in with a roommate a few towns away. Very proud of him, etc. Since his parents stopped talking to him (they had a falling out because he was moving out), he became very dependent on me and we started seeing each other every day after we got home from our jobs. Got to be a bit too much and annoying.

Old friend from online (now DH) was found as his 3 month old marriage was crumbling. Adam suggests Jay comes up for a weekend to get away from Maryland and get his mind off his soon to be ex-wife. DH comes and meets me for the first time in person (we talked off and on online for 4 years--just as friends ONLY). We hit it off a bit and made out the last day he spent in NY (while Adam was at work).

All last summer, I went back and forth, who did I want to be with more. Thought I'd be best off with DH because he's in the military and more (or so I thought) financially stable. Break engagement with Adam (engaged for 2 1/2 years). Still continue to see both of them. DH asks me to marry him in December; I said yes, although continued to date the two, because I wasn't sure of what I wanted still. Decide to move down to Maryland to see if I can live away from home for the first time (Adam had no clue I was dating Jay but Jay knew I sometimes saw Adam--few times a week). Come back to NY the end of March for my Mom's bday for a week; see Adam, he finally breaks off our dating relationship.

DH decides let's not wait a year to get married, let's get married May 2004; I give in. I'm liking Maryland, but DH and I argued a bit before getting married (he chatted with and complimented and emailed girls online). Go thru with it and get married. Married life is going okay, but start really thinking about Adam again.

4th of July weekend comes and goes; I go back up to NY with my parents for a week to visit family and friends. DH comes up Friday nite to pick me up and leave Sunday morning. Friday (before DH got to NY), went over to Adam's to drop off some mail. Had a long talk and some crying (me).....just as I was leaving, we kissed several times. Realized how much I missed it and him.

Get back to Maryland and call him at work about the few nites before. I think he knows I'm married now because he says he doesn't want for himself and me to talk anymore. Ok, I respect that. I DID hurt him bad and I know that.

Watching TV today and the song "Don't Let it End" by Styx comes on. He played that right before things started to break us apart. I'm sitting on the couch looking at old photos of him (DH is at work) and just BAWLING.

WHAT DID I DO???? I love Jason, but I miss Adam so much and I'm thinking maybe I made the wrong decision on who to stay with. I'm so unhappy here; I'm absolutely miserable. I'm trying to get a job here just so I can stash some money away to finally move back to NY. I hate being away from my family as it is. I think I made too hasty of a decision. I want my old life back. I've become such a sad person since I've gotten here.

Almost got killed in a head-on collision the other morning up in NY. Missed having an accident by all of 6 inches (going westbound on the highway, an old man got on going eastbound, came right at me). DH is playing poker online when I get back to my parents, didn't realize I was there til 10 minutes after I'd gotten home. If that was Adam, he'd be all over me. DH sucks at affection; haven't had sex in a week. I'm not even in the mood anymore. I don't want to be a wife or a mom (thank goodness I haven't gotten pregnant thus far). I miss my ex!!!!!! Oh what to do!

Thanks for reading my vent. Please don't criticize, I've gotten enough of that. Thanks.

Carolein

Proud (but Unhappy)Air Force Wife to Jason

05/14/04

> Lilypie Baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 9:08pm
No criticism, but part of your problem is that you got engaged to Jason while you were still in the uncertainty stage. At MarsVenus.com, they say there are five stages of dating: attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy and engagement. You had accepted a proposal of marriage when you weren't even exclusive with the guy. No wonder you are so confused now.

Things to ask yourself: Do I love Jason? Am I willing to work on my relationship with Jason?

I think you are definitely suffering from some growing pains in your relationship which have been aggravated by your near-miss the other day. Right now your situation is you did make a choice, you did marry the guy. Is it worth it to you to work on your issues and try to make the relationship work?

Good luck!