please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
please help!
3
Sun, 03-02-2008 - 11:38am

I need some help and support maybe by someone who has gone through this. I have been either dating or in a serious relationship with this guy for 5 years.He had a TON of problems and I helped him and stood by him through it all. He moved three hours away from our hometown with me over a year ago because I wanted to go to grad school. We planned a whole future here together- in our new apartment and new location. He was abusive and had a lot of issues and got help for them. He has been doing much better over the last 6 months and it seems like the better he did, the less he wanted to do with me. I believed him each time he told me he would treat me better, pitch in more around the house, take me out, etc. I found out a month ago that he cheated on me. He assured me it was a one-time encounter and was no longer speaking to the girl at all. I found out on our phone bill that he had been talking to her and texting her hundreds of times a day. When I confronted him he did not come home for 24 hours and could not be reached. WHen he came home, he said he wanted to break up. Then he said he didnt love this other girl- he loved me and wanted to be with me. He did this back and forth for the last couple of weeks. Finally, he said I can not do this to you anymore. You will get what you need and I will start trying from now on. We went out on Saturday and spent the whole day and night together. We had fun. Toward the end of our "date", he started doing things on his phone, secretively. I accused him of texting her and then I got a message on my phone saying "love you". I relaxed and thought maybe he really finally is trying and saw how much he hurt me. We went home and watched a movie. As soon as the credits went up, he put on his jacket and left to "take a drive alone to think." ???? He called her the second he left the house, came back and broke up with me AGAIN. Now he won't talk to me, listen to me, or anything. He said that she "opened his eyes" to who I really am, but in the next breath says this has nothing to do with her and he doesn't even like her.

I am so heartbroken and confused. I am going to go home to my hometown for a few days to be with my family and friends, but I dont know what to do. Is he going to keep doing this? How do I stop it? What do I do if we do break up permanently- we live together, share expenses, etc.?

Please help! Thanks!

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 03-02-2008 - 1:53pm

Welcome to the board bballsweety32,


::Is he going to keep doing this?


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 03-03-2008 - 11:13am

I'd listen to Carrie's advice, it's very good and very sound.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 8:24pm
Thanks for your advice and support. I went home to my family and friends for the last several days, during which I spoke to him infrequently. When I did, I got mixed reasons regarding the breakup. #1- "Loved you for 4 1/2 yrs., but not in that way- for the last few months" and #2- "This way I don't have to answer to you" (He does not do chores or pay bills without my reminding/ asking/ doing it for him). It seems to me that he wants to best of both worlds. He assured me nothing will change with us except that he gets his freedom (can go out when he wants without calling, work long hours, and not have to put time and effort into the relationship). He, of course, denies this. However, for right now because of finances- I have to stay in our apartment. I am in my last semester of graduate school and will be receiving my masters this year. I do not want anything to jeopardize that. I am just so confused as to why he keeps calling to check in with me and see how I am doing, to share the news of his day, to call me by my pet names, etc. If he has lost interest in dating me, why would he want to continue the relationship AT ALL? I want to be prepared for whatever may come up- any chance he will just move out on his own (he has never lived on his own- always at home or with a girlfriend)? Any chance he will recant the breakup once things change (he realizes he cant afford his own place/ breaks up with the girl/ misses what we had/ etc.)? ARGH! This is so complicated...