please help
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| Thu, 03-24-2005 - 8:07pm |
i'm really sorry this is so long... but please! I need help understanding what happened. I was just in the best relationship of my life. We were dating for six months (yesterday). He is 23 and I am 28 and we live in the same building. Since the beginning of our rel its been clear an discussed how we are both at very different points in our lives. Most of my friends are married or engaged. Most of his friends are not even thinking of marriage yet. We always had it in the back of our minds as a potential problem but decided to give it a fair try. From start to finish our rel was so wonderful I ve never been with anyone so sweet and thoughtful and loving. If that were only good enough for me!
He recently took a trip for work and when he got back I sort of ambushed him on why he never mentioned that he was happy to hear from me.I opened a huge can of worms. We got into a whole discussion of where this rel is going and that he doesn't feel compelled to say I love you to me and how he doesn't know that he can ever feel that way toward me and that lately we feel like "friends that cuddle" I sort of agreed but i also take alot of blame for the lack of emotion. I've been very hurt in the past and am quite guarded. I also was always very afriad that if i gave him lots of compliments or told him how much i liked him that he'd think that i want to marry him. our relationship was so good i didn't want to ruin it. we both agreed that neither of wanted to ruin a good thing.
anyway now we're broken up and i cant stand it! i dont understand what hes thinking. he has to miss me. we were the absolute happiest couple wherever we were. we were so good to one another. just as were ending things i thought i'd finally open up and told him how much i adore being with him and that i really want to give this a try.he said that he doesn't think it's fair to either of us to continue knowing that he doesnt love me. he said he should want to say i love you and just doesn't feel it... i kept saying maybe thats ok i'm not exactly sure how i feel but i think we're worth giving it more time. he said he'd probably be begging to come back in a month. i said good luck. he said he knows that if i wasnt around then he knows that he would've made a huge mistake. whats happening? a minute ago were so happy making plans to go away together in may.
i just keep imaging him upstairs - i dont get why we're apart. i know he doesnt either. he told me he was asking his friends for advice. he said he asked them why if he laugh all th time and love spending time together why he doesnt love me. - i think that he doesn't love me because we got very comfortable very fast (living in the same building and all). i also think that loving a 28 yr old means i love you and i might want to marry you. i dont think he allowed himself to love me because of what it means bnecause of my age... trust me i'm not imagining all of this i kno wthat he was really happy w/ me up until the last minute. i just dont get it though. i need help understanding what happend. i'm in so much pain. i cry all the time! i feel like i messed up so bad.

Thanks for your encouragement... Its his birthday in about two weeks. I ordered a gift for him online about a month ago. I really think he should have it and I definitely want it out of my apt. Is it stalking if I leave it w/ the doorman or hang it on his door with a note. I dont want to neccesarily ask him back but I guess I want tp remind him what a good girl he's missing.
I'm so angry that I let myself fall for him knowing that the age thing was eventually going to come between us. He persisted and told me that he couldn't image not conforming to my timeline. I miss him and I want him back. He made me realize that I actually do deserve someone wonderful. I can't help but wonder if it was only the age difference that made it so easy to say goodbye. why didn't he fight to keep us together? I would've waited. Now that I've had time to think about it. Now I've realized that I would've been happy to conform to his timeline.
I wake up in the middle of the night w/ these questions and cant go back to sleep. it's so horrible.
Sorry, but I'm completely losing it! I'm dying to contact him!
I don't want to get over this - I just want him back. Just before we broke up we BOTH were feeling more like friends than in love but I think it was because we were both busy and having alot of dinners at home in our pjs. I'm the one who instigated the conversation about feeling more like friends and now I completely regret it.
We were only dating for 6 months and given our age difference (he's 23 and I'm 28) and the cloud that was over our heads I feel we needed more time. I know how happy he was, he showed it all the time. He was always doing romantic things and making sure I was happy. We had so many romatic weekends and even took a trip for valentines day which was amazing. I know he felt like we were more than friends. I know it! He told me. I dont know what went wrong for him to even allow this breakup to happen.
What makes it even more heart wrenching is that he lives 4 floors above me. I'm absolutely dying to call him or email him - Or slip a note under his door... which is how he asked me out on our first date. Deep down though, I wish he would come to me. I feel so lost. I didn't see this coming. I really dont feel like he did either. I'm so confused! I want someone to tell me he'll be back.
I know it's been awhile since your last post, so please forgive me if I'm chiming in a bit late (all that "day late, and a dollar short" stuff).
Anyway, I think maybe you're thinking of the age difference merely in a matter of years, but it sounds to me like its more a difference in maturity. If you were happy together and he acted like you he loved you, but STILL couldn't say it, then that tells me that he's not mature enough to know the difference... or, at least, not mature enough to take on the responsibility being in love requires (exclusivity, the possibility of marriage, etc.).
I am sorry for your loss. And, no, I wouldn't give him his birthday gift (send it back, ebay it, pawn it, thrift it... just get rid of it w/out giving it to him). In fact, I wouldn't be there for him at all right now ... IF he's going to have a wake-up call (and that's a big "IF"), then he needs to realize what he lost by refusing to love you. Kind-of a tough-love, be-a-man or move-on approach, I know. But, in the meantime you can take care of the most important person: you. And you deserve a man who can feel love and tell you that.