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Please help
| Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:23am |
Hello,
This is my first time here. I have read what others have posted and I must say that reading these things have helped me a little. See I was in an abusive relationship on and off for about 4 years. We broke up the last time about 3 months ago. The whole time we were together we would fight constantly, I mean over everything. So I haven't had any contact with him since we broke up. Now the only reason why I haven't had any contact with my ex is because I got a PFA against him because I was afraid of what he would do to me when I finally broke it off. Now he was really the one that broke up with me first, and we were still talking for over a week after he broke up with me and of course I loved him and I wanted to be with him so I was doing everything in my power to try and make him want me back, and it did work, he told me that he loved me and that he did want to be with me, but the more I really thought about it I knew I shouldn't be with him. So that is when I told him I couln't deal with the fighting and I knew we had to end it. A couple of weeks after we broke up I had found out some information that he had cheated on me. Now I'm not going to lie I did have some feelings that he was messing around but I would just tell myself that I was wrong and that he loved me and he wouldn't do that to me, but when I heard this I was so hurt and I just wanted to call him and scream at him and let him know how much I hate him for what he did to me, but I knew I couldn't do that.
So I guess what I am trying to get at is that I still find myself thinking about him everyday. I hear a song and it reminds me of him, or a show on tv. There is soo many things that remind me of him and as hard as I try I can't stop thinking about him. It's not that I want him back because our relationship wasn't healthy at all, but if thats true then why can't I forget about him? I started dating this new guy and at first I thought that it was what I needed to help me get over my ex but in all reality I think it is just making things worse. Now this new guy is very sweet and i know he cares a lot about me, more than i care about him. I am just so confused. I hate being single, because I don't like being by myself but I never really gave myself enough time to get over my ex before I jumped into another relationship. I just need help, I don't know what to do. When will the hurting stop? When will I learn to trust men again? How do I know if I'm ready to get into another relationship? Will I ever fully be able to love again?
This is my first time here. I have read what others have posted and I must say that reading these things have helped me a little. See I was in an abusive relationship on and off for about 4 years. We broke up the last time about 3 months ago. The whole time we were together we would fight constantly, I mean over everything. So I haven't had any contact with him since we broke up. Now the only reason why I haven't had any contact with my ex is because I got a PFA against him because I was afraid of what he would do to me when I finally broke it off. Now he was really the one that broke up with me first, and we were still talking for over a week after he broke up with me and of course I loved him and I wanted to be with him so I was doing everything in my power to try and make him want me back, and it did work, he told me that he loved me and that he did want to be with me, but the more I really thought about it I knew I shouldn't be with him. So that is when I told him I couln't deal with the fighting and I knew we had to end it. A couple of weeks after we broke up I had found out some information that he had cheated on me. Now I'm not going to lie I did have some feelings that he was messing around but I would just tell myself that I was wrong and that he loved me and he wouldn't do that to me, but when I heard this I was so hurt and I just wanted to call him and scream at him and let him know how much I hate him for what he did to me, but I knew I couldn't do that.
So I guess what I am trying to get at is that I still find myself thinking about him everyday. I hear a song and it reminds me of him, or a show on tv. There is soo many things that remind me of him and as hard as I try I can't stop thinking about him. It's not that I want him back because our relationship wasn't healthy at all, but if thats true then why can't I forget about him? I started dating this new guy and at first I thought that it was what I needed to help me get over my ex but in all reality I think it is just making things worse. Now this new guy is very sweet and i know he cares a lot about me, more than i care about him. I am just so confused. I hate being single, because I don't like being by myself but I never really gave myself enough time to get over my ex before I jumped into another relationship. I just need help, I don't know what to do. When will the hurting stop? When will I learn to trust men again? How do I know if I'm ready to get into another relationship? Will I ever fully be able to love again?

"I hate being single, because I don't like being by myself "
Why not? What's so horrible about yourself that you can't stand to be alone with you?
"When will the hurting stop?"
With time and perspective. Also with a dose of reality. Write down all the nasty stuff about your relationship and XBF. You mention abusive, write down the truth of what it was (i.e. beat me, controling, never good enough for him, etc.). You probably are romanticizing the relationship, glossing over some of the bad and that's dangerous. So write it down. Laminate it if you have to. Carry it with you and pull it out when you start thinking it wasn't so bad.
"When will I learn to trust men again?"
You'll learn to trust men when you learn to trust yourself. When you can trust that you aren't so desperate for a BF, any BF, that you'll settle for another guy like your X. When you can trust that you are good enough just as you are and if any guy tries to even think differently he's gone because face it, you just can't deal with someone that stupid in your life. When you can trust yourself, that's when you'll trust men.
"How do I know if I'm ready to get into another relationship?"
Well, you're not now, that's for sure. You'll know you're ready when you've been single and realize that you're not so bad. When you realize it's better to be alone and healthy than sick with someone else. You'll be ready for another relationship when you can trust yourself.
"Will I ever fully be able to love again?"
Of course you will. If you loved before you'll love again.