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| Mon, 08-23-2004 - 11:00pm |
We broke up a couple of weeks ago in what seems like a nightmare. We were only together for six months; however,he was the first man that I had ever fallen in love with. I will be 25 by the week's end, and I feel so hurt and confused---like I can't get this feeling of sadness out of my heart.
I believed that he and I were perfect for each other, and we spent so much time together. I even brought him home to meet my parents-which was a really big deal for me. I thought that things were going great between us bc/ we were compatable and both acknowledged this great amount of caring and happiness that we had for each other. He was the nicest and kindest man that I had ever met--but all that changed about a month ago.
He went back home to visit his parents, and while there had full access to the internet. I have a friend who has a profile on an online dating service, and she frequently visits the site. She forwarded me a profile that she said sounded a lot like him. Out of curiousity I had her wink at him, and to my disappointment and sadness he wrote her back. It was him, and my heart literally broke when I found out.
I asked him what was going on--and he only replied by saying that I "deserve so much better," and "that he's sorry, and hasn't been able to be honest with me from the beginning." In response to this I wrote him a letter and basically poured my heart out to him--he responded with some more lame excuses and so I just let it be.
I keep wondering how someone so shy, and who's a teacher of all things---could be so deciteful.
...Last weekend, I was bored ( yet, again) and I was searching the yahoo personals--and I found his profile. I knew it was him bc/ it was exactly like the other one that I had found. I felt so hurt and angry, and so I sent him a nasty e-mail and called him said some things that I now regret. It get's worse...on that following Monday, his bank called me looking for him. I was so mad that he used me as a contact especially after finding out about his infedelities-which he obviously denied---that I called him and left him a message saying I don't appreciate him giving out my phone number.
The next day---he apparenyly was at school to write me back. He said that by me saying mean things to him is no way for me to get my stuff back. He also said some mean things in return. He also doesn't believe me when I say that his bank called me. He must think that I am crazy!
I figure that calling him a few bad words doesn't even compare to all the lies and deception that he lead me to believe. And now I regret it, but at the time I felt so good about doing it.
This may sound ridiculous...but I feel myself missing him and thinking about him. I know that it's just me not being able to let go. And I wonder why can't I just let go.
The guy that I dated before him died in a car accident, and I now realize that I am not over his death. I've been hanging out with his fraternity brothers and it feel so weird that he's not there with us.
Also, my parents kicked me out of the house bc/ they basically think that I am a terrible person for bringing my ex- into our home. This all came up after my dad found me in my room crying my eyes out.
....And on Friday I found out that I may have cervical cancer, which may mean that I will not be able to have children.
I just feel so overwhelmed with everything, and my best friend is on holiday in Europe and I have no one to talk to. I just need some advice as to how to get over this feeling of sadness.
On Sat. a couple of my friends are going to this pub to see this band that we all like; however, I know that he goes there with his mates as well. I want to go, but at the same time if he's there---although I can act like I don't care and ignore him---when I get home I will feel really sad. However, at the same time I have every right to be there with my friends. I don't know what to do. Will he think that I am being stalker-like if I show up there- especially since he doesn't believe me about his bank calling me, and me writing him a nasty e-mail? Should I even care about what he thinks?
Please send me some advice...Anything would help~

In the meantime, as for your XB, he's a first class jerk and you're better off without him. He was absolutely right when he said you deserve better. Even though it hurts now, it's better that you found out now about his lies and true character before you invested even more time and energy in your former relationship.
I would also venture to say that you don't really miss him, but the person he portrayed himself to be during the six months you were together. The guy you fell in love with was all a facade. He doesn't exist. The cheater, the liar, the guy who deceitfully led you on while advertising himself to other women, no less, as "single and available" IS the real guy. When you find yourself missing him the most, you should redirect your thoughts to focus on and remember him as he truly is -- a jerk.
As for your plans for Saturday night, go with your friends and have a good time. Who cares if he's there? You don't owe him anything and if it helps any, just act as though he isn't there. Let him see you smiling and thoroughly enjoying yourself (at least on the outside).
Take good care of yourself and keep us posted on how you're doing, especially healthwise.
All the best,
Heymum
I'm sorry to hear about all the recent troubles you've been having in your life. I joined this message board just to offer you my support and counsel. I hope you're feeling a little better than when you initially wrote your message. Although I don't pretend to fully understand what you are going through, I do have some friendly words that I hope will help a little.
First off, your ex treated you horrribly. There's no doubt about that. You have every right to be angry, sad, and hurt.
He disrespected you by lying, and he threw your love and trust away. Yes, you may have said some things that you regret in response, but you were reacting from an emotional place. No human being can be expected to be completely rational and unemotional in times of stress and anxiety.
Try not to stress out too much about how you handled your subsequent telephone calls with him. It's over and done with, and now you just need to concentrate on re-building yourself.
Is it silly that you miss him still? Absolutely not. You loved him. Despite his lies and deceit, your feelings were genuine. It's unfortunate that the relationship ended this way, but DO NO FOR ONE SECOND feel ashamed about how you feel now. You LOVED him, and that's a big deal (especially since he was your first love). Don't let other people tell you you are being silly, and that you should just get over it. Yes, he may have been a jerk, but you still had very strong feelings for him that won't just go away with a drop of a hat.
Allow yourself some time to grieve for the person that you loved. Allow yourself some time to grieve for the relationship. It will take awhile, but don't try to hide from your feelings. If possible, do some things for yourself -- pamper yourself. Treat yourself to a massage. Or eat a pint of ice-cream while watching a good chick flick. Do something that will make you feel good. Obviously, these things won't erase all your feelings for him (only time will do that), but it will help you relax and de-stress. Take care of yourself during this difficult time. Surround yourself with things that will help you get through it all. In time, you'll start to feel better about who you are, and isn't that what life is all about?
As for going out with your friends (and possibly bumping into the jerk), I'm not so sure that's such a good idea. If you want to have fun with your friends, pick a different location. No, I'm not saying that you should change your entire life to avoid seeing him -- but seriously, why put yourself in a situation where you might see him so soon after the break-up? It'll only hurt you and remind you of all the good/bad times you two have had. Remember, pamper yourself. Be good to yourself. Is going out and possibly bumping into him a "pampering" experience for you right now? I'm inclined to think not.
Anyways, that's all I have to say about your ex.
As for the other negative experiences in your life at the moment, take them one at a time. Life can seem so overwhelming when you're climbing a mountain. Take each problem one at a time and break them down into doable (smaller-sized) solutions. Which is the most urgent right now? Which problem can you do something about first?
And don't forget: Breathe. Pamper. And talk it through.
You'll get through this, Ms. Flavor. You're a lot stronger than you think you are. The universe wouldn't be throwing all this stuff at you if it didn't think you could handle it.
All the best,
Warmsox
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. They really helped me put a new perspective on my situation. Last night before going to bed, I read a few other messages from other members---and I felt a lot less alone and confused.
I keep trying to think of reasons as to why my ex did what he did; however, I know that it's not healthy for me to torment myself like this. Even when I tried to talk about things with him, he basically ignored me and my feelings. He is obviously not the person that I thought that he was, which hurts me more than anything bc/ I trusted him.
All of my friends tell me to just forget about him; however, I can't bc/ like you said---what I felt for him was so real. He is the first man that I gave my heart to. I feel so stupid, but there was no way for me to predict his recent actions. I also know that in my choice to love him there was the possiblity of having my heart broken. I just thought that he would be the one for me.
I thought that what we had together was so special...and this may sound really lame; however, in the message that he wrote my friend through the online dating service he told her that he was reading my book (the one that he borrowed from me---he said that he wanted something to read on the plane). In college, I wrote my undergraduate thesis on this book along with all the other works by this author. I had all sorts of notes writen in the margins, and highlighted it like crazy. That book is a part of who I am, and he used it to meet another woman. The pain and digust that I feel is beyond words.
I told him that I wanted my book back; however, after his response to me I told him to basically shove it! I can't ever pick up that exact book again bc/ it would only remind me of how he hurt me. I plan on replacing it though bc/ it is my favorite author. I can take new notes, and start all over which will be parrallel to what I need to do after I heal from this broken heart of mine.
I will try to concentrate on myself as much as I can, and I realize that everything seems to work out and happens for some sort of reason. I am still looking for that reason; however, in the mean-time I need to try to make myself happy.
This may sound weird (especially since I don't even know you), but when you said that it's okay for me to grieve---I felt a lot better. I sometimes felt like I was trying to force myself to get over him. The only place that got me was back to the feelings that I had on the first day that he decided not to care. He told me not waste my time hating him, which made me hate him even more. However, I don't think that I can hate someone so much when at one time they meant so much to me.
When his bank called me a million ideas rushed through my head. Sometimes I worry that he is manic-depressive, and so I assumed that the worse had happened bc/ why else would they call me. Could they not get in contact with him?, so I called. However, when I heard the voice greeting on his answering machine and how sweet sounding his voice is, I became so angry and so that's why I said such mean things to him.
I don't neccesarily regret being so mean bc/ I was being honest with my feelings; however, I know that I am far too intelligent to have resorted to using foul language. Oh well, what's done is done, right? LOL!
I talked to my parents, and they have allowed me back into the house bc/ of the health problems that I am haivng. There was no way I could've financially survived--I would've starved to death. I work full time; however, with student loan re-payments and credit card debt things would've been difficult. My parents have agreed not to charge me rent for the next few months until after I get my health taken care of. At least one thing is looking a little better. However, the friends that I was going to move in are mad at me bc/ they apparently all ready agreed to move into a bigger apartment. I feel awful but I don't think that they truely understand what I am going through. I think that I may have lost thier freindship.
Wow, I really am writing a lot. This is so theraputic!
As for my weekend plans---I feel that maybe if I can see him/ face him that I will be able to move along faster. If he were to see me out with my friends having a good time (or at least pretending to) that he will think that he didn't get the best of me. I gave him my heart, and I feel by doing this I could at least get back my pride. Or I could possibly just come home really drunk and crying my eyes out. Basically...he's a lousy jerk!
Once again thanks for listening!
Ms_Flavor
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement...I am getting several different responses as to wheter or not I should go on Sat. It's not even a guarantee that he'll be there, the chances are more like 80/20. I just am not sure how I'll act if he is there with another woman. The wound is still fresh, and I have been listening to way too much emo!
= )
Ms_Flavor
Dear Ms Flavor
I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling a little better about your situation. It was nice to know that I might have helped in a small way. Good luck to you in the future, and I wish you all the best. But before I end this message, let me just say that from reading your last posting, how truly strong and remarkable you are. Going through a break-up is no easy task, as someone who has also suffered through a broken-heart can tell you :)
All the emotions you related were insightful and honest, and I'm heartened to see how you've been able to reflect back with such grace and courage. That incident with the book you lent him spoke volumes of how deeply he hurt you, but also of your resolve to let go and move on with your life.
Of course the near future won't be easy, and there will be many impending episodes of heartache. But I have no doubt that you'll be able to get through it all with the same grace and dignity that you have shown thus far. I may not know you very well, but from reading your posts, I feel that you are a very genuine person who truly loves and feels deeply. I hope you'll find much happiness in the future.
Good luck to you.
Warmsox
I went out with some friends last night to 80's night and danced mi arse off! It was so much fun, and the $1 drinks added to the ambiance of the night. I talked to a few guys; however, I now feel like such a spaz when I do. I am at the point where I think that they're all jerks; which is not the sentiment that I want to have. I love love, and to feel so negatively towards it kind of makes me sad.
I do love and care a lot...I just fell in love with a man who wasn't who he seemed to be. I always tend to go for tall/ dorky/ "indie-rock" looking fellas...maybe I should have a new "type." j/k. Anyway, my ex-b totally shook my heart up and left it a mess. I still miss him a lot, and wonder how he's doing. I keep trying to tell myself that he is no longer my concern, but sometimes it's hard to break out of routine. I wonder how much longer will it be until this routine ends. I sometimes question my strength in being able to re-build myself.
When I got home from my galavanting...I layed in my bed and started thinking about everything. I felt so disappointed and regret started to settle in. I feel like everything around me reminds me of him. I put all of his belongings and put them in a box. I put the box in my closet, and now my goal is to develop the courage to just toss it in the dumpster. I also gathered all his letters and put them in a big envelope, deleted his phone number and messages, and took all his presents off my bookshelf. All of it felt so cleansing. I've washed my bedding several times since the break up, but I feel the need to replace it. I can still imagine us laying in it together.
There's this song called "Tiny Vessels" by Death Cab for Cutie, and I remember it being in my CD player when he last came over. He told me that it was a terrible song bc/ he couldn't imagine anyone being so cold. Now I realize that it was his guilt speaking.
Here's some lines from it:
"This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me...
So when you ask is there something wrong
I'd think, you're damm right there is, but we can't talk about it now
No, we can't talk about it now
So one last touch and then you'll go
And I'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile and it was cheap
And you are beautiful and it don't mean a thing to me..."
I guess that this song was a reminder of how he really felt about me bc/ when I needed him most he wasn't there. He told me that the world wasn't right and that he would take care of me and protect me--so much for that. I just need to feel this on my own. I am just feeling really lonely right now.
Today I obviously encoutered a set back...
I feel really sad and I actually cried...I haven't cried since the incident on Sat night at the pub. I thought that I was doing so much better- so much for false hopes.
I am at such a loss. It really hurts to know that he didn't mean what he said bc/ it meant everything to me. ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Ms. Flavor
You go girl! Sounds like you're really trying to rebuild your life, and I'm happy for you. Try to stay positive, and keep pampering yourself. The feeling of hurt will be with you for awhile, but take comfort in your friends and family. It also looks as though you still have your sense of humour in tack :)
But be aware that there will be tough days ahead. There will be days in which you feel lousier than others. And don't feel ashamed of the occasional sob -- expect many more days of that. It's okay to feel loneliness, and to miss him still sometimes; it's even natural. After all, you did have very strong feelings for him -- no one expects you to turn that off automatically like a robot.
Take care.
Oh, and happy birthday!