please help!!!!!!!!!
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| Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:23am |
ok heres the story: my girlfriend and I were high school sweethearts. I met her when i was a Junior in HS, and she was a Freshmen, and she was my first kiss, and we took eachothers virginity. So everything is fine in our relationship, now I'm a Junior in College and shes a Freshmen in College, and since this last semester she was acting a little weird. She got a job at this new restaraunt, and there's been this 23 year old guy who's been telling her how beautiful she is and etc.
So things are fine, and we go out one night. All she says is "I'm unhappy." But that night, she puts a note on the wall in my room that says "I LOVE YOU" and we had sex, and I kissed her on the forehead the next day before I left. I get a call later that day, she's crying just saying "You're selfish" and I absolutely do not feel like dealing with that after a day at work/the gym.
So she just says she's miserable and doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not, and we break it off (I was thinking it was some stupid thing where we'd get back together). I later find out, she went out, hours after this fight, and had sex with this 23 year old from work, I also find out she cheated on me while we were still together. So we don't talk until the next week (its Valentines day) and I tell her we're going out, I got reservations and I'm gonna buy her some jewelery from this store, and she just says no. She tells me she wants to see other people, so I run over to her place to see her.
She won't say she loves me, or look me in the eyes, and that she needs space to see if she wants to get back with me or not. Could be weeks, months she says. The next night I find out she's been having sex with this guy the whole week, so I run over to her place and she says she doesn't want to be with me anymore. She's acting really condescending to me, and kicks me out (after four years thats how I get it). I come to find out this guy came over after I left for sex....wonderful.
So she goes home that weekend to see her parents. I surprise her by going home just to try and win her back, and she tells me she fell out of love with me. And still won't look me in the eyes, so I leave and I was like this could be the last time I ever see you again.
I shouldn't have contacted her at all after this, but I called her a bunch of times the day after and she was "*f-word* annoyed!". I emailed her 7 pages of our memories on word, and then messaged her online a few days after this. That was last friday (2/23) and I haven't keep in touch with her since.
This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through everyone, I feel so betrayed by someone I held so close. The fact that she's moved on so fast, and how she gave it to this guy so fast, shows me she's (1) immature, and (2) did not care about our relationship.
However, when she was with me, she was really loving, and just a genuine sweet person, I do not understand how someone can be like this? Just having sex, I hear she's skipped a few classes now, and fights with her parents over this. This is not like her. This 23 year old, took advantage of her knowing she was extremely drunk that first night. He says he works at this fast food place, and is a personal trainer, and is a pro wrestler. He also wants to be a cop, and all this with a psychology degree from UCONN. He defends himself by saying he's not a drug dealer (even though he admitted being busted for selling in his past). He also won't let her see his apartment because "it's in a bad neighborhood" (aka he has a wife & kids, or will have people knocking on his door for drugs). And plus, the fact that he would take someone else's girlfriend just shows his character.
The thing that hurts, they have already said "I love you", 1 week after our breakup. She's said she's moved on already, and wants to be my friend (which is B.S., I will not be her friend). She told her friends that she's "real happy" and this guy pays for her alcohol, and takes her to these fancy restaraunts, and buys her things and "she never knew anyone could be treated like that." Well, I couldn't have done that I'm just a college dude. She was living the regular college life with me, and I guess she didn't want that.
I believe in karma though, what goes around comes around. I mean I'm not made of money, but I had good intentions with her and, genuinely loved her, and it's not like I'm a loser I'm a relatively smart guy with a bright future. The way she's handled this really hurts, and she's really betrayed me. Her and my mom were real close, and my mom called a few weeks ago to find out what happened, and she hung up on my mom. My poor mom just cried telling me the story.
Just to know that the world works the way its supposed to, I want her to regret this one day and say she made a mistake, just to know that the world turns and that she really is human. I'm moving on with life though..
Sorry for the lengthy post, but what are everyone's thoughts? (be nice, at least please)

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Why on earth wouldn't the folks here be nice to you? I'm positive you're going to find all kinds of support here on this board.
I can tell you til I'm blue in the face that you didn't deserve to be treated like this and that when push came to shove, she didn't deserve you, move on, blah blah blah, but the truth is that this is going to take a long time to get over, and for exactly the reasons you said: It's a long relationship, one you respected and valued, you were part of each other's "growng up process" you basically entered adulthood together.
It's possible that she wasn't getting what it was that she wanted out of your relationship, but that's no excuse for her ending it that way, there are ways to deal with that. Talking about it, dealing with it, making some kind of attempt to fix things, or, cleanly breaking things off when that is no longer an option, but looking outside of the relationship and then avoiding all responsiblility for her actions, it speaks badly for her character.
The worst thing you can do to yourself is drive yourself crazy thinking about it, or thinking about your actions afterwards. The best thing to do is really take time for yourself, be with your friends and family, work out the anger and pain, and then take a look inside later and see what in the relationship you can do better next time. Don't even worry about her issues, because there's nothing you can do about those. Just focus on you, it's all about you right now.
I agree with you, this isn't one to be friends with afterwards. Friends don't treat each other like this.
Best,
~~.: Sandra :.~~
CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
thanks so much for the response!
its just so weird, because when we were together she was the sweetest, most innocent girl. she carried herself very maturely, and then just did this.
she'll always have a place in my heart, and i'm just hoping that i get a call one day (sooner than later) and her just telling me she misses me. it's like, after being first everythings, and first loves, how can she let it end like this? she's already blocked me from online messenger (i don't know why SHE would block ME, but thats another story).
talking to my mom, and some friends this morning, they've been saying it's really unlikely she ever comes back. she's gone. it hurts, but i suppose its the truth (or at least tough love to get me moving on).
it's just like, you see/talk to someone everyday for 4 years, and WHOOSH. all of a sudden, no contact, or anything. it's killing me that i can't call her, but even more that she's not calling me. it's normal to go through the stages of grief like i am, it's not normal to just move on to some other guy. my theory is she's distracted by this guy, but if/when he does her wrong, she will feel what i've been feeling (personal hell).
like you said, it will take a while to get over this, due to the facts you stated......how can she just get over this so fast? (despite the fact she's the one that broke up. i'm pretty sure she started thinking like this beginning of january when she started working with this guy).
girls are really emotional (as was my girlfriend), how can she not care, or think about me? how can she let go of what we had so quickly, i do not think she has realized how long we were together, how long our memories stretch back. the fact that im not talking to her will also make her miss me (i hope).
in your honest opinion, do you think she comes around, or not? and what's the time frame? thanks!
This response is for Sandra as well as Zoey...
After 6 years of being an ivillager, Pianoguy has found that there are posters who ask questions EXPECTING a "nice response" as opposed to an honest one!
As most members already know, PG tries to offer an honest male perspective. This is based on the words that are used when an original question is asked. Unfortunately, there are still people who only "hear only what they want to" (paraphrasing I AM ROCK from the 60s duo: Simon & Garfunkel) and they disregard the other opinions they don't happen to care for?
Having said the above...and avoiding your belief about karma because I don't know you personally...I think you need to give the lady adequate space and time "in order for her to make up her mind!" There might be traits about you that she likes...including the fact that you have a 'past history' together! Then again...there are probably qualities about the 23-year old that appeal to her as well? SO MAKING A CHOICE BETWEEN YOU IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HER?
If you stay out of the picture for awhile, this will give her the option of sorting the 2 of you out and deciding:
a: If YOU are the guy she wants?
b: If the 23-year old appeals to her more?
c: If she'd prefer to continue looking?
Waiting is difficult...but pining is pointless. Give the lady her space!
Pianoguy
i understand where you're coming from, but she's already stated that she's "moved on" and wants to be friends, and she's real happy with this guy. i'm gonna let her go and give her that space (just like you said) but i feel that, she might be gone forever.
kinda scary :-\
Not real sure what PG was gettng at there ;)
Anyway, I know that at this moment, the thought of her really being gone out of your life is a scary prospect, however, I want to point out that I personally think that would be for the best.
You're thinking of her as she was then, and I understand that, but you really need to think in terms of what she's like now, and I'll have to disagree with PG on calling her a lady. This isn't about giving her space, this is about taking your self-respect into your own hands and saying, "No one does me this way." You essentially take your toys and go home.
So you can continue to torture yourself and hope and wonder and pray she comes back, but I'm going to tell you your best bet is to walk away and never look back. Your combination of character, quality of thought and deed, basically, the very essence of YOU, is worth much more than the way you've been treated. Act like it.
Best,
~~.: Sandra :.~~
CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
it's so hard to just walk away, but i mean everyone is telling me the same thing, so i know everyone isn't lying to me.
easier said than done, to just walk away.
but i suppose, she didn't really have a hard time doing that.
just scary knowing you trusted someone so much for such a big portion of your life, and they can do this to you, they are capable of putting you through this, you know?
i should stop thinking about her coming back or not, because who knows? and it would never be the same, my family and friends have told me they woudl not only not be able to look at her in the eyes, they would lose respect for me in the process.
i hope one day, she just realizes that at the very least i was a good guy who had good intentions for her and her life, and lets me know that she misses me. it's like, she was hoping i would just cuss her out and yell and scream, so she could justify her actions. well, i gave her roses, and all our pictures for 4 years, and kissed her on the cheek and told her she was making bad desicions with her life, and walked out her door. she can't think of me in a bad way now, she will have to live with the guilt of what she did (assuming she's mature enough to feel guilt).
i suppose part of me still wants to try things one more time, despite everyone saying it would be a mistake, just to know in my heart, just to make my own mistake and learn. funny how i might not ever get that chance though.
ho hum.
Zoey, all of us here I'm sure are sending you hugs hoping that you are strong and get through this, just as we all are. Most of here are all in similar circumstances, give or take some differences, and that person we thought we'd be with forever walked out on us.
By them walking out it left us empty, confused and lost.
My ex was a part of my life for 7 yrs and even though there were times, a lot of times, that were not good (it doesn't sound like your relationship was like that) I loved him with all my heart. I truely thought that after everything we'd been thru that we'd make it. He decided out of the blue that he didn't want to and tossed me to the curb. He calls occassionally to check up on me (this happened 2 mths ago) but the conversation if that's what you want to call it, is not the same. It's all changed and to be honest, if I can't yell at him or cry, I can't think of anything to say while he's on my phone. Then when I hang up I feel worse that I did before I got the call I'd been praying for all day.
It sucks and it hurts but I agree with what people are telling you...
1. Stop calling, IM'ing, texting etc--it's not going to change her mind and may push her
further away. She needs time to figure out what she wants.
2. Even if you got back together things will be different. There will be trust, honesty,
communication, and your feelings. Don't forget about you!
3. Try doing things for you for a change and focus on school and your family /friends.
I've found that yes I still stew a bit and I have my good days and bad but it helps
a lot when I'm occupied by these other people and I can throw myself into something
else.
I know that this doesn't make it better but it does help to post here and read what others have to say. It's nice knowing that you are NOT alone.
Try to come to the realization that it's just not worth it and she's not worth it. Honestly, and I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, but it sounds like she was unhappy for a while (with herself or with the relationship) and this guy gave her the easy way out...rather than deal with the issues in your relationship. She chose to give herself so quickly to someone else. It stings and it hurts...I know and am living that right now. But I also think that at some point, when you're ready, you'll realize that she isn't the person you thought she was if this is what she's capable of. There's some silly cliche about knowing a person's true colors during a crisis. Look at how she handled this crisis.
You need to do whatever you need to do to leave her alone now...the more you try to win her back the further you probably are pushing her away. At some point, you'll get to a place where you're angry and you realize that you deserve far far better. You're both young and you're right, she could easily come to the realization that she made the biggest mistake of her life. But if this is how she deals, aren't you glad you found out now rather than later?
Hang in there :-)
~Kelly~
Hi zoey,
First, I want to say, stop comparing yourself to this guy.
thanks everyone! :-)
and yes, its obvious that in times of crisis, true colors bleed.
she's shown she does not know how to handle adult situations (not that i'm the best ever, but i would have conducted things a tad differently).
i feel like, she was so confused and just made a descision. at first she said, she wanted to see other people to see if i was the one. then a couple hours later she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me or not, and needed "space". she said it might be a few weeks, or months, she had no idea. Then the next day we talk, and her mom told me after, she called her crying hysterically because she was so confused. In about 5 hours later she told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. the whole thing is ridiculous.
i mean, being first loves, there's no way it can end like this, can it? i'm trying to move on, but keep that book open, just one page, but its open nonetheless.
although i do feel, if we got back together, it would probably haunt me forever. i dont know i'd need to make that mistake/choice on my own.
it's also like, she started fighting with her family (she was really family oriented before this), and she gave up me (just someone she loved for 4 years of her life), and even a few friends who have turned on her, for this guy she had known for 4 weeks. i hope he's worth it. i know for a fact this guy is lying to her about certain things, but she is the one who has to realize it.
i mean, that first night we werent together, she got very drunk and was puking until 4 am. he woke her up at 7 (knowing she was completely intoxicated) to have sex. i do realize it does take two, but who even thinks of that the first night meeting someone? she's too oblivious to the fact that he planned it all along, he bought the condoms on the way back from the party, she said it was "heat of the moment."
whenever i want her back i try and picture her being intimate with this guy, and it just makes me sick to my stomach. but still, she was the love of my life a few weeks ago and its so hard to let go. im soooo totally naive being just 20 years old this is the first time in my life i've had to deal with something like this. i want to help her so bad, but you can't save those who don't want to be saved.
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