Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Please help
3
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 2:48am
I am really mixed up right now. My boyfriend of over two years broke up with me a little over a week ago. He told me he just doesnt feel the same as he did. He told me he has been feeling like this for at least a couple months. I just want to know what I did or what happened. I understand I may never know this but I still just want to know. I still love him. It has been so hard. I have not talked to him or emailed him or anything since he broke up. Doing the no contact thing has been really hard. I just really miss him and want him back. But he said he needs to be alone for a long time. So, I dont want to beg him or make him get back with me if he really doesnt want to. I guess I just need help moving on even though I really dont want to. I have so many thoughts going through my head at one moment. There are some trying to get myself together and others still thinking up schemes to get him back. I guess just offer advice or tips or anything. I dont want to feel this way anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
In reply to: annh321
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 5:16am

Hi there, i'm so sorry to hear what has happened to you. I have been in a very similar position (perhaps just a little more complicated tho). I think you just need to give yourself time to grieve, that is what i have been doing, 2 weeks today since my boyfriend and I broke up. I think you always always have to follow your heart. My boyfriend and I broke up last year and had a 6 month break and then got back together. Although we are now broken up once again (only 4 months later), I don't regret going back to him because I followed my heart and now i know for sure that we won't work and shouldn't be together.

But just ask that part of you that wants him back and is thinking up those shemes, do you really want to be with someone who is telling you they don't want to be with you, and wants to be alone for a long time? Don't you deserve somebody who can't imagine and doesn't want to imagine life without you? I'm only saying this because these are my thoughts, this is what I'm thinking. My boyfriend has always had issues with committment, and things "getting too serious" and the more I think about it, the more I realise I want somebody who appreciates me and is happy when things progress and realises how special I am and does want to be with me all the time.

I hope some of what I have said makes sense but if it doesn't then just let me say this. I know what your going through and it gets better but once you have that closure, once you decide that you are better off without him. That is how you move on, when you can close the door. I have closed the door, I know we can never be together again but I am still absolutely devastated, I cry at some point everyday (i'm quite emotional), think about him constantly, but having that closure helps. At the same time though, I suggest you look deep in yourself and really think about the relationship and follow your heart if that is what you need to do. In the meantime here is some stuff I've done over the last two weeks that have been really great in distracting me from everything thats going on.

- Had an old fashioned sleep over with my girlfriends watching 'friends' dvds
- Completely re-decorated my room (very cleansing)
- About 3 or 4 shopping days with the girls (ok this break up has been expensive)
- Dinners with friends
- Re-discovered an old friend
- Went to a make-up application workshop
- Re-discovered my love for books and reading
- Started exercising more
- Looking for a more career oriented part time job (i'm a full time student)

Only time can heal so everybody tells me, I hope so, because for me right now it doesn't feel like it. Just try to distract yourself and do things for you that make you happy.

I hope you feel better soon.

Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
In reply to: annh321
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 8:46am

I totally agree with Sandy; nothing cures this but time.

Yesterday marked week three. While I don't cry everyday anymore, he still occupies about 80% of my daily thoughts. I hate it, but there it is. I now know the breakup was for the best but that doesn't stop me from missing him and wondering what he's doing. Is he missing me too. How can he just walk away like I meant nothing. All of these thoughts play like a continual loop.

What I don't do is plan on ways of running into him, or schemes to get him back. I learned in a previous relationship that loss of pride is harder to recover from than loss of the guy. I deserve better than a guy who can walk away from me and I wanted more than he can give me.

Like Sandy says, keep busy. Try new things. Look at this as a time when you can be totally self involved and just take care of you.

Stay strong and remember we're here for you.

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
In reply to: annh321
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 8:52am

Sounds familiar. My boyfriend of 6 yrs told me Monday night that he is no longer in love with me. He still loves me, still finds me attractive, still wants to protect me, etc. But is not "in" love with me anymore. After six years, I cannot fathom the idea of a future and happiness without him. And I feel so betrayed. The man that worshipped the ground I walked on for so many yrs no longer wants to be with me.

One thing I did was make a list labeled "Cons" and wrote down all the things I DIDN'T love about him. It's amazing how it seems the second a man breaks up with you your memory seems to exclude all the things you weren't happy with or didn't like and only focus on the wonderful things about him and about the relationship. Which I think is the opposite of what men do. I think they break up with someone and immediately start telling themselves they are better off without the woman. I don't know why we women torment ourselves this way, but we do. So I made this list and now I can refer back to it everytime I find myself weeping over how much I love him and how I will never want anyone else. I still feel like I will never want anyone else, but the list helps provide clarity and a different perspective so that I am not looking at the situation (and the man) from only one skewed point of view.

I, too, have the urge to call and beg him back. But, I am ashamed to say I did that once before with a different guy in a past relationship, and it didn't work. All it did was make me feel humiliated and even more hurt when he rejected me again. I know begging will not make him change his mind. When a man says he doesn't want to be with you anymore, he means just that. (words of wisdom I got from the book I just finished reading "He's Just Not That Into You").

If it is meant to be, he will realize it, and he will come back on his own. In the meantime, try not to think about that. Let it be a nice surprise if it happens, but don't rely on it. I am learning I can only truly rely on myself.