please help i am so sad and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
please help i am so sad and confused
4
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 2:54am
Hello to all of you here, i am not sure if anyone can help me. I have been in a relationship for a year and a half with a man i love very much. We live together and i thought that i would be getting proposed to soon, however in the last few weeks our relationship has gone from wonderful to almost over. He is very affectionate and we talk often on the phone and do things together in our spare time, lately though he has now started to go out with friends and stay out all night. This is not like him at all. He doesn't answer his phone for long periods of time and is short with me when he does. A short time ago he was talking about having a baby and getting married, but now it is if his whole attitude has changed. I don't understand. He says he feels pressure, but i think the only thing to change him this drastically is if he was cheating. I don't know what to do, he means so much to me, he was a great boyfriend and this is so sudden. i feel like i was blind-sided. i never thought he could change like this. We are going away together soon on a trip that has been planned for some time so i don't know how things will go. Part of me is just happy to know that we will be alone and hopefully he will act the way he used to, what could make him be so mean and hurtful these last few weeks. He doesn't seem to love or care for me at all, when before i was the most important person to him. He tells me i am acting crazy, but i feel so confused and sad that i don't have a clue what to do or say. i have asked him if he was cheating, which he adamantly denies, however even if he was i really would not have a way to find out. what can i do, any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 11:30am

I think he owes you an explanation as to why he's staying out all night and being short with you on the phone. Is it possible you just aren't ready to hear the truth and therefore are avoiding asking the right questions? Accusing him of cheating probably did nothing but put him on the defensive. It's possible he's just getting cold feet. Sometimes when a man gets to the point where he needs to make a decision on marriage, it causes him to reevaluate the relationship and think about whether or not you're the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. That's why it's important during that time that you not cling or make a bunch of accusations -- just give him his space. However, if you're living together and in a committed relationship and he's not taking your phone calls and being shady about where he is, that's disrespectful to you and you have the right to let him know that bothers you. It's up to you to set the boundaries as to how you expect to be treated and stick to them.

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 12:43pm

There isn't a whole lot of info here to really know for sure what is going on.

As a guy, I have one other guess. I was in a relationship a while back. After a couple of years I started to distance myself and I really didn't understand why I was doing that. After the breakup and with much soul searching, I understood why. I started to feel as though I was being used. I didn't feel as though my significant other appreciated me being in her life. She complained about me ALL THE TIME. The ratio of her expressing how grateful she was to have me in her life vs. the complaints about everything that I did 'wrong' was so out of wack. It, obviously, wasn't like that at first, but over time it changed that way. I felt like nothing I did was right and what I did that was good went unappreciated. As a guy, that caused me to withdrawl from the relationship.

Just a guess.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 6:21pm

How horrible! I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I think our guys may be in the same "place" - but mine at least is handling it more respectfully.

My guy and I have/had been dating a little over a year. We are in our thirties, well into our respective careers, etc. Bottomline, we are at the point where it makes no sense to keep being in the same place in our relationship. We should either be taking it to the next level or looking elsewhere (i.e., as a friend of mine so eloquently put it "fish or cut bait"). We are both mature, have had long term relationships in the past and love each other very much. Unfortunately, he is having issues trying to figure out if I am "the one" for him (i.e., if he is "in love" with me or just "loves" me) and trying to figure out what he needs to be doing. So . . . after a long discussion about it, we decided to take a break from each other and just see how it feels. I am in agony, but I know in a month or so, we will each have our answers. I know that he is not seeing anyone else, etc. - he has made sure to subtly let me know that. And I know deep down in my heart that he isn't. But it must be so hard to have those suspicions . . .

Perhaps it is time for a talk - not a fight, but a talk. Talk to him non-confrontationally and non-emotionally about where you are in your relationship. Subtly let him know that if he is getting cold feet, it's OK. (I know it hurts to think that he has any doubt whatsoever, but - let's face it - he's a guy and guys have a much harder time giving up their "independence".) Try to be more non-confrontational for a while. I don't mean be a doormat, but try to explain how you are feeling without making him defensive.

Good luck - I hope you get some answers soon!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:20am

Dear Sad and Confused,
Let's first address the "sad" part. You are feeling hurt and neglected by your boyfriend because all of a sudden he is going out with his friends and partying it up to the wee hours of the night and not giving the person who before was the most important thing to him, the time of day when she calls him. I understand and feel your pain. But now let's address the "confused" part. As I too am a little confused. You say that he is very affectionate yet you say he doesn't seem to love or care for you at all. How can this be? I do think that the two of have definite issues to work out and it bothers me that you live together yet do most of your communicating via phone calls. And you are lucky if he even picks up. I'm glad that you are excited about your upcoming trip but remember this....just because you are going away doesn't mean your problems won't be waiting for you when you return home and go back to reality. I don't know if you man is cheating on you, but I'm willing to bet my next paycheck that he is hiding something and I never met the guy. What once was a loving, caring relationship has turned into a bitter union of selfishness and lies of omission. I think you need to sit your man down and find out what is going on once and for all. It might be time for you to cut this guy loose and find someone who does the happy dance when you call him and would never be
to busy to talk a groovy chick like yourself!

~ Free Spirited Diva ~