please help! I need real advice. thankyo
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| Thu, 01-10-2008 - 4:26pm |
I have a situation that I would like your personal take and advice on. Honesty please, and keep it real.
(My and my boyfriend have been together 7 months. He goes to school four hours from me and I see him two weekends out of the month. when he's home hes just an hr from me and its not a problem seeing him. He's 24 and Im 22. just basic info) We've had a great relationship so far. We hardly ever argue, we have a lot of fun together, its just been great. And up until this point I would never have known he felt any different. He always telling me im the perfect girlfriend, he thanks God for me, no one has ever catered to him like I do and he's lucky to have me, he never wants to break up with me... etc. And then all of a sudden, outta the blue On tuesday he tells me that he feels like we're on different pages. I asked what he meant and he said that sometimes he wants to be by himself. I asked him if he'd rather be by himself than with me or he just doesnt want a relationship? and he said its not that he doesnt know why he's feeling this way but sometimes he wishes he were by himself. and he feels that he doesnt have time to himself. that we talk on the phone too much. he doesnt mine texting or seeing me but he thinks we talk on the phone too much. (huh?) And he said if Im happy and content and he's not then that gives him doubts and raises questions for him. I said so you're not happy with me?? and he said its not that, Im just not as happy as you are. and he says when we have sex theres no passion. and it feels like we're doing it becuz we have to and not because we want too. and he feels that i dont want to do it because I never initiate it, he always does. and that sex is good and bad. and that it gives him doubts about whether we should be together or not. and he was like, Im not here to break up with you (but he did say he thinks about it) but he just needs time to think to see if it is right or not. and I drove to him wednesday to talk. he said he was sorry and that he doesnt want to lose me and that this isnt my fault, Ive only tried to do right. He doesnt know why he is having these doubts. and that he wants to work things out. He said to me, I'll make it work.
I want to leave him and I tried twice but he wouldnt let me. I just feel different now. I want to be with him so much. but after this I feel like Im not what he wants. I dont know what to feel or think. I want to give him his space, since that what he seems to be asking for. I mean obviously being four hours away from me still isnt enough room for him to breath. That makes me ... it just hurts. Most guys Ive asked have said that he has someone else. Although I NEVER thought that until they brought it up. My friends husband said to just talk to him because he has things on his mind, but he doesnt believe he's
cheating. and I asked my bf and (expectedly) he said no. I understand the "no passion" issue. I like being with him, but Im not sure that we are sexually compatible. sometimes its really good, but not always. and sometimes it hurts and Im kind of reluctant to do it, which is why I dont initiate always. and he also says that I hold back. which I do, but im kind of a shy type person. its not that easy for me. but the rest of our relationship is perfect. I mean, we get along great, its fun. its the best relationship Ive ever been in. I dont know what to do. give him his space. try to work it out? I dont know. I just dont wanna end up hurt even more in the end. and thats what Im afraid of. but I dont wanna just let him go so easy. well.... i know this was long. I tried not to leave out anything so everyone would understand the entire situation. (if u have any questions I'll answer) but ANY HELP I would greatly appreciate. thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to the boardf cutie_pie2007,
Here's some reading material to help:
Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, by John Gray
It's hard to initiate if you have pain, so I hope you find a way to communicate the need for more stimulation/foreplay etc or by ky-jelly.
If you decide to give him space, read this:
When he asks for space (aka, "a break")
Alright then, I've been here before and I didn't handle it well then so learn from my mistakes!!!!! LOL
Just suffice it to say that when my then-boyfriend (and now SO) came to me at about 6-7 months with almost identical concerns, I went crazy and it backfired, so no crazy! Why do you think I wrote that article on when they ask for space? :)
Here's the deal::: REACH THROUGH THE PAIN AND LISTEN TO WHAT HE'S SAYING. All of his concerns are quite valid and you are so very lucky he actually came out and told you exactly what they were. No, seriously, it's a GOOD thing because now you know exactly what to address.
At a particular point in time when we were dating, I wanted a vacation from my relationship. Well, I got it, we broke up so be careful what you wish for. It wasn't that I didn't love him or that I was unhappy, I just wanted a bit of me-time and had no idea how to ask for it without thinking I was going to hurt his feelings. Thing is, he was thinking pretty much the same thing as I was and was being just as quiet about it. How do you say that without hurting someone's feelings? So there we were two of a kind. What a pair, right? We ended up so stressed out from that that it eventually led from break to breakup. But you don't have to be the same.
....."On tuesday he tells me that he feels like we're on different pages. I asked what he meant and he said that sometimes he wants to be by himself. I asked him if he'd rather be by himself than with me or he just doesnt want a relationship? and he said its not that he doesnt know why he's feeling this way but sometimes he wishes he were by himself.".... You went to the extreme, which I completely understand what you were feeling at the time, but telling you from the other side of that discussion, there's another option. Just take a step back. At seven months, you don't have to act so completely all about each other, you can be a little more casual and relaxed, especially given your ages.
....."and he feels that he doesnt have time to himself. that we talk on the phone too much. he doesnt mine texting or seeing me but he thinks we talk on the phone too much. (huh?)"..... Most guys don't like to talk on the phone everyday or even every other day. Simple fact of life. At the beginning, they're all about the phone calls and gooey mush, but that naturally cools off after some time. When my SO and I were actually dating, he'd call me every night. Well, come to find out after the fact he was doing that because he felt he had to, that I expected it, and not always because he wanted to. Now he understands I don't expect, need or sometimes even want a phone call every night and is more relaxed about it. Funny thing is, he calls almost more often now than before, except now he does it because he wants to, yet he knows he doesn't have to, and that frees him up to call at will.
....."And he said if Im happy and content and he's not then that gives him doubts and raises questions for him. I said so you're not happy with me?? and he said its not that, Im just not as happy as you are."..... His concern here is also valid. He's thinking that if he's not happy at this level and you are, then that must mean you aren't on the same page, and in a way he's right but that doesn't spell total doom for your relationship. His concern is that he might not get what he wants out of this relationship. That's a very valid concern because aren't you concerned about the same thing for yourself in ANY relationship? The way out of that one is to make sure he knows you're okay with listening to his needs with an open mind.
....."and he says when we have sex theres no passion. and it feels like we're doing it becuz we have to and not because we want too. and he feels that i dont want to do it because I never initiate it, he always does. and that sex is good and bad. and that it gives him doubts about whether we should be together or not."..... If you are holding yourself back to the point that you're not enjoying sex with him, that's a very valid concern. Holding back in sex because you're shy is NOT -- repeat, not -- going to help you in life. Sex is a wonderful expression of your feelings towards each other, and if you're holding back on sex, you're holding back on your feelings. When guys are in a relationship, sex IS the way they feel emotion and love. This is absolutely not the case when they're NOT in a relationship. If you're holding back or not enjoying sex with him, it's going to result in a chasm growing between you.
I can completely understand that you feel hurt, a bit mistrustful, a bit leery at the moment. I have to warn you that the only way you can hope to save this and your sanity is to let that go. You will positively NOT save either if you harbor doubts. Love is not for the weak-willed or fearful. So, you can either give in to your fears and the pain and most likely lose this whole thing, because that IS the way that tactic usually turns out, OR you can take the chance that you can turn this around simply by relaxing and listening with an open mind and an even more open heart. There are no guarantees in life or in love, just do the best you can.
Good luck,
Thank you for your help. you seem to be able to relate really well. I appreciate it.
Well, I talked
Don't fall for it. My guy did the same thing: "No baby, I'm ok, it's not you, I'm just confused." Blah blah blah. Don't fall for it. It took me a very long time to finally realize what was happening. Your guy is just backtracking at this point because he feels bad about saying what he did. Point is: He shouldn't feel bad, and neither should you, this is a really GREAT opportunity, but if neither of you see it that way or let yourselves stay confused then this will go just like every other "break" or rocky point in any other relationship.
The very LAST thing you want to do is either say or think it's you, or tell him that you have issues to work on. Don't tell him, just DO it. Jeez. Do women just not know how to keep mystery going anymore? ;-) Thing is, I do understand why he's feeling this way, and in my last reply I told you what to do about it. So just do it.
Good luck,