PLEASE HELP, I'M LOST & SAD
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| Fri, 12-31-2004 - 8:51am |
I will try to make this as brief as I can. I'm married for 13 years (no children), but left my husband back in March of this year. I'm currently living with a man who I met 4 years ago and have been having an affair with ever since. This man wants to marry me, but has fallen upon hard times financially and I (even though I'm not working) would have to support us until he is able to get a job. I have some savings saved up that I'm using to live with him right now (to keep a roof over our heads). Here is my dilemma. I don't know if I want to stay with this new guy even though I love him and he has helped me out emotionally more than I could ever explain. We are like best friends. But he also has child support to have to pay for 2 kids and alimony to pay before we ever will see any money each month...and this is assuming he gets a job. He is *not* lazy, just has had a hard time finding a decent job. He used to make pretty good money in past years...but not sure that will ever be the case again. He is also slightly depressed.
As for my husband, he wanted me back when I first left, but he isn't sure anymore. I don't want to see him hurt anymore and want to make it up to him. But he just isn't sure he can forgive me. My husband does have a job, but not a well-paying one. So there were always financial problems there. But I have seen the light and realize that my husband was always a very good man who was done wrong by me.
Both men want me to spend tonight (New Year's Eve) with them...and whichever one I do spend it with, is the one I'll wind up staying with. But I'm so afraid of losing either one of them, I don't know what to do and have agonized over this decision for months and have made no decision about who to be with because I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision.
By the way, my husband would let me move back in and is willing to at least try...but he isn't sure that he can forget my affair or move past it.
I'm afraid of losing the man I'm currently living with because I'm so fragile right now (emotionally) and he does everything for me and my husband wouldn't. This guy cooks for me and is understanding of my emotional needs...UNTIL he thinks I'm leaving him...which I can understand.
PLEASE help me. I do not want to hurt these men any more and I need to make a decision that I can live with and not regret.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Trying,
My suggestion is that you spend New Year's Eve with a therapist. Your third paragraph alarms me. "(A)nd whichever one I do spend it with, is the one I'll wind up staying with."?? You admit that you are afraid of making the *wrong* decision, and this evening is not the time to be doing so. You are in no position to determine if you should remain married or jump into a new one.
During your (still current) marriage, you chose to go outside the relationship rather than work out the problems you had. Now that times have gotten rough with you and your beau, you want to run away from that situation also.
Your posting implies that you are not a "needy" person, but an immature one. You want every physical and emotional desire to be taken care of by someone else, with no responsibility on your part. You are a taker. You did not give your age, but I would think you are well past adolescence.
You don't want to deal with the anger you have caused and the resulting guilt you feel. Your husband has the right to be distrustful after you left him for another man. "Mr. Cushy" has the right to expect you to be there for him after all he has done for you. You should feel guilty for all the havoc you have caused by putting your own selfish needs ahead of a relationship.
GROW UP! Act like an adult. Find out why you have this need to be taken care of by someone else and not by you. Don't make any decision or continue a relationship until you can be responsible enough to handle them.
I would suggest that the two men have no contact with you until you do so.
Mimiche