Please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Please help me!
3
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 3:34pm
I have been in a rather lovely relationship for over three years. My boyfriend and I have known each other since college, but our relationship didn’t start until we were both 26 years old and working professionals in a big city. I was excited about it at first because I thought (and to an extent still do) believe he has all the qualities a spouse should posses. I love him and made a conscious decision that no matter what I would make it work and it was working. I was happy and content. Even though my attraction to him was limited to kissing and hugging, he has been nothing but kind, loving, gentle and respectful. He has issues with his parents and was abandoned by his mother in a vicious way. Due to this he has problems trusting women and, of course, a fear of commitment. I stuck it through and though there’s nothing we can’t work out. His priorities were making money to support his future family by working insane hours so that what happened to him when his parents divorced wouldn’t happen to him. It was never clear to me that I was the one he was planning on marrying, but it wasn’t clear that I wasn’t either. All of this, because of our 10-year friendship, I knew before getting into the relationship. In essence, I’m wondering know whether I got into it because I thought and still think he’s a great catch and it was time to get married. 7 months ago I met another man with whom I instantly connected both physically and intellectually. My feelings for this other person grew to the point where I was fearful of cheating on my boyfriend. Then….my boyfriend told me he had cheated on me—with a prostitute. I felt disappointment, not anger. I thought “maybe this is my way out, the universe telling me to be with this other guy”. I promptly “took a break” from my boyfriend but have been with him through an incredibly debilitating HIV scare. It’s been over 6 months, he’s clean, and I’m wiped out. I eventually succumbed to the other man and I’ve never felt like this about anyone. Our sexually chemistry is beyond belief, he is what I’ve always wanted intellectually and emotionally and what’s best, he’s absolutely in love with me and has no problem telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. With him, I feel and I know that I am number one. I didn’t believe in “soulmates” until I met him. The other man has known everything about what’s going on with my boyfriend, and he’s been incredibly supportive, the best friend anyone cold ever ask for, and has not put any pressure on me. I am torn now because I feel like I’ve cheated on my boyfriend, and because of these feelings of guilt I “broke up” with the other one. I am torn, and miserable. Three months of therapy can only help so much. I think I know what the right decision is, but I am so afraid of making it and letting go. Can someone please help me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 7:41pm
The best I can do is tell you that you definately made the right choice. Just by examining the quality of each relationship it is very clear to see which one makes you feel like a whole person, the gentleman that you are physically attracted to. It sounds like your 'other' boyfriend was more like a brother to you than anything else. You also said that you told yourself no matter what you were going to make it work, that was a fatal error and is partly responsible for you feeling the way that you do. Therapy only works as much as you let it. Let me ask you a question, are you afraid of failing? Are you afraid of giving up, especially when you told yourself no matter what? There is some kind of barrier in your way from being truly happy. You stood by the 'other' boyfriend through the HIV scare which I give you credit for because I am pretty sure that I would not, especially over the circumstances which brought it about. You stood strong, you have it your all, let the relationship and him go with fondness and trace your path of happiness with the other man. I don't see how any person wouldn't want someone to be happy. We all have the right to pursue our happiness and I view you as moving on as doing just that.

You've got to let yourself let go and make the changes to grow with your life and not drag a dark cloak around you. Find the strength to lift your head up high and know that what you are doing is for you not anyone else. It may take time, but I know that you can do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:18pm
Welcome to the board!! I think you know what you need to do......you have to do what will truly make you happy. You can't stay with someone out of guilt and be miserable in the meantime. You know which one you want....so go for it. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Good luck and keep us posted.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:08pm
hello cl-heidi & garlandfairy. thanks for the responses. i wanted to answer garland's questions. I am afraid of failing, which ultimately is connected to being alone. I am afraid of giving up, which is also connected to the fear of ending up alone. I am almost 30--which isn't old but is has become an issue for me. I always thought that at this age I'd be on my way to family life. My biggest fear is of making the wrong decision on whim. What if I'm just upset and fed up and need a break, but fon't want to leave my bf at all? And what if I do and come to regret it and then he'll be gone. I've been driving myself insane with all the "what ifs" and as you said, therapy only goes so far. And what if the other one doesn't work out--what then? In my heart of hearts I believe it will but there's a chance it might not, as with everything. WHat then? Yes, it's better to be alone than with the wrong person, but it sure is easier said than done.