Please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2013
Please help me!
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 2:36pm

Hi all.. I'm having a very hard time getting over my most recent break up. It happened a little over two weeks ago and he broke up with me. I rely and have all the family and friend support in the world but there's some things I feel like I can't tell them truthfully so I feel like their advice doesn't count although appreciated. So I was hoping I could give you a rundown of my situation (please bear with me) and let me know what you all are thinking. And yes I am crazy! I can't help it

So here we go... and thank you so much in advance from the bottom of my heart.

Three months ago I got a text from an old friend. I haven't seen him in almost 5 years but we have kept in touch. The text was about how he always liked me, how he wants to try having a relationship etc. etc. Needless to say after MUCH though I agreed and we tried it out. The only problem was he lives in Washington DC and I in NJ. We agreed to meet up for a weekend but for the first month I was unavailable due to makeup school so we finally got together after that.

I went to DC... I was supposed to go for two days but we were instantly crazy about each other so it stretched into 6. We decided we were going to be committed and continue the relationship. We talked about so many things regarding our future and things were amazing. I went home with the plan to go back that Saturday for a few more days. He wanted me to move down there. We went to Target one night to buy things for me to keep at his house so I wouldn't have to lug stuff back and forth etc.

When I went back that Saturday I noticed he was different. Not noticeably but I'm super receptive to things like that. I was there until Tuesday morning. I noticed he was a bit more distant. We got into an argument that Monday night about our relationship and it just seemed to me he got scared we moved too fast. He talked about all his insecurities, how he didn't understand how I could like him, how he thought I was so much better than him etc.

So I went home upset but we were still together. The following Monday morning he called me and broke up with me. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, how he was too immature, how he wasn't willing to put in effort and that I was too good for him.

Needless to say I am still devastated and want him back. When we were together I never knew happiness like that. I want that back.. and with him. I miss him more than words can express. We were SO happy, he just freaked out!

Now here is the kicker... and why family members have told me I should move on. A day before my first trip down to DC he texted me with some very disturbing information. For me at least. He told me when he was in his late teens (he is 34 now) he dated and experimented with transsexuals. The individuals that are post-operation. I'm not sure why he felt the need to tell me this but he did. Needless to say I was very disturbed BUT believing that he hadn't tried to be with one in years I tried to not think about it. He even told me that "if we don't work out I might explore that avenue again."

So my second weekend down there he handed me his phone and asked me to look up something because he was driving. When I clicked on Safari a website address came up that I got a very quick glimpse at before I typed in the address he told me to. It didn't really register. So after the break up, this website popped into my head. So I did some digging. I found out he has an active profile on a dating website to date or just hook up with transsexuals. WONDERFUL!!!!

When we were together we obviously had sex a few times. He used to make jokes (not during sex but other times) about doing other things sexually and then he would laugh. I would laugh too and shake my head thinking he was kidding. But deep down I kept thinking maybe he wasn't kidding, maybe he was trying to get my reaction. I also think this may be a reason why he broke up with me.

Anyway... we really aren't speaking. We are still friends on FB. He did call me last week because I was having an ebay issue and he walked me through it. His birthday was Monday and I wished him a happy birthday and he responded but he just seemed beyond miserable.

Anyway... I don't know what to do. I miss him so much it hurts me every single day. I want him back but I think I'm crazy for even considering it knowing what I know but I just don't care!!!! I'm explored different avenues on how to get him back like spellcasters (see im crazy) and this course called Text Your Ex Back.

Does anyone have any advice for me?? What should I do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 3:27pm

You should FORGET TRYING TO GET HIM BACK because THIS RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT WORK OUT.  Yes this is the equivalent of yelling on line but seriously, the guy is very conflicted about his sexuality and has a thing for trannies and you think he's going to be happy with you?  Maybe he felt some urge to try out a "normal" relationship w/ a woman and he liked you & figured that would be a good option.  I'm sure he still does like you in some way as a friend.  But if someone is telling you that he is not ready for a relationship, he's too immature, etc., you just have to believe him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 6:00pm

My advice is to find things to distract yourself while you move on with your life, because you will not be getting back together with him.

You hadn't seen each other in 5 yrs but out of the blue he contacts you and says he wants to have a relationship? Doesn't that strike you as odd? Then wanting you to move in together after a couple of days together? Him telling you about his past experience with transsexuals was a warning to proceed with caution.

You and he had a little fantasy weekend (even with talking long distance for a month beforehand, 6 days together does not constitute a real relationship) and then he woke up from the fantasy and realized that it wasn't really what he wanted or what he thought it would be (or maybe that it would cure him from liking transexuals, or that he could be in both worlds). The guy you went crazy for that first long weekend was just one part of this man, he's trying to show you the other not-so-awesome parts but you insist on seeing only the part that you liked.

Believe him when he tells you that he's not ready. He has self esteem issues that you cannot fix but they will make him a poor partner until he resolves them, alone or with the help of a therapist. Then there's the part about his sexuality, he sounds very conflicted about that too. (if it doesn't work out with you he might go back to trannies?) From the website history it sounds like he is still interested in that transexuals, and maybe has pursued them more recently than he admitted. You don't realize how lucky you are that he stopped things when he did, but later you will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2013
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 6:23pm
Thanks for the advice. To address a couple things... I didn't find it as odd. I should have clarified that during those five years we kept in touch and were friends. Before he asked me out we had been talking more often beginning a couple months prior due to his advances. It was actually more than 6 days and not just one weekend... I didn't clarify that well either. However I really do agree with you.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 10-10-2013 - 4:55pm

My advice is the same as the others:  move on.  He tried it with you, it didn't work, and he broke up.  WHY can't people see that when someone breaks up with them in no uncertain terms that they mean it?

He broke up with you because he's not into a straight relationship with a woman.  You can't make him come back any more than you could make him want you if he were plain-vanilla homosexual.  You aren't what he wants. 

BTW your comments about his prior experiments with transgender people being "very disturbing" is as outdated as saying that gay people are "very disturbing."  I have a transgender son (that means he was born female but now is my SON) and there is nothing "disturbing" about him.  The only thing "disturbing" is your attitude that if you want someone, you should have him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 10-12-2013 - 1:51am

You are mourning this like it was a long long relationship.  It was pretty much two long weekends.  And  of course it was great, someone new is usually great.......but I have some important advice for you:  When a man tells you you're too good for him, BELIEVE HIM!  When a man tells you that you can do better, BELIEVE HIM.  This is a very sick, mixed up man, he is not relationship material!  Be soooooo glad that you found out so quickly......this could have gone on for months, or a year or more.  Sure it was a shock, but you'll get over it.  He's bad news all the way around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 10-13-2013 - 4:25pm

Please do not waste any more money on "spellcasters" or any websites that promise to get your ex back!  Those are all scams.  Out of curiousity, I looked at some of those sites and the advice is all the same.  They say 1) contact your ex, 2) gradually increase contact, 3) invite your ex to an event and 4) lose weight (because, of course, he broke up with you because you're fat!).  They don't say what to do if you contact him and he doesn't respond, or if he tells you to leave him alone, or if he says "no thanks" to the event invite.  And what if you're not fat??? Stupid "advice" that does not work.  As for the "spellcasters"...come on, those are ridiculous!  How can anyone make someone want to be with someone they don't want to be with?


Instead, maybe invest in trying to figure out why you're chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you, someone who you only dated for a few short weeks.  Find out why you don't love yourself enough to realize a guy who doesn't want you doesn't deserve you!  And why you're willing to settle for someone who is obviously attracted to someone you could never be (transexual).  Trust me, there are millions of men in the world, you don't have to sell yourself so short.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 10-14-2013 - 9:57am

How is being transgendered 'sick'? This is, frankly speaking, a very stupid thing to say. Nothing is 'sick' unless it's forced onto someone, involves violence etc etc.  As the other poster said, it is the same as saying 'being gay is sick'  or 'liking heavy metal is sick'. You've got to get with the times, and soon. Undecided

To the OP: you've got to let this go and move on with your life. The man hasn't quite figured what he is/ wants sexually and has just proven to himself that it isn't a 'regular' straight r-ship with a woman. He spared you a lot of heartache by finishing with you. No matter how many years you've been friends before, you've only really been together, face to face, for a couple of weeks. You will hurt for  a while but you will get over it, meet someone new and experience all those amazing feelings again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2013
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 2:23pm

You sound like a nice girl who deserves better. There are many things in life we like and do enjoy not to mention think we can't live without, but the sad news is that such things are bad for us. This guy appears to fit that description. He seems to be not sure what he wants and is now experimenting. You seem to be one of his guinea  pigs. Cry