Please Help Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Please Help Me
8
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 5:57pm

Hello. It has been wonderful to read other posts and see that there are others like me who are feeling this pain. I am divorced, and was not looking for a relationship when I fell hard for my best friend. He is a beautiful man. He has now told me that he cannot be in a relationship right now, he cannot feel the intense emotions and he is tired of hurting me and does not want to be responsible for my pain. He said that he is now not the man I fell in love with and I deserve better. See, he is an alcoholic and recently remembered sexual abuse as a child. His grandfather died recently and the pain of losing his dearest relative has thrown him into a spiral downward. He is not willing to get help at this time. We have been through a lot, and I always felt we could weather any storm. I know that what he says does not sound like it is over, but deep in my heart I know it is. Giving up alcohol would mean having to feel the pain without relief, no more life of the party, no more mr. funny guy. Getting help would mean weakness. He wants to self destruct. I am watching a train wreck and cannot stop it. I have been in counseling for a while to help with divorce issues and here I am again on the heels of another loss. The pain is unreal. I am in an area that was hit by Katrina, and my home still bears the damage because workers are so scarce. Had my parents with me for three months. They are great, but it took its toll. Nothing feels right or that it ever will be right again. I feel I go from loss to loss and wonder when things will ever settle down. I am in so much pain, it feels terminal.

I just need some encouragement here. Anything at all. Thanks for your time...Donna

Faith
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 7:06pm

Donna, I'm so sorry for all your losses. How awful to have to deal with this in the wake of the hurricane. The ex I wrote about in the post on disappearing lived in New Orleans and I'm sure the stress of dealing with the aftermath of that, coupled with his tendency towards depression has something to do with him disappearing on me without a word but it is still very hard to bear, so I have some idea of what you're going through with this guy. He (my ex) won't get help either.

I'm glad to hear that you are and I wish you strength and hope. I don't want to give you cliches that everything will be ok, but this pain, at least, WILL get better, with time and no contact.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 7:44pm

Thank you so much. I e-mailed him today begging him to let me see him tonight just 1 more time, to touch him, to help me understand and to look into his eyes once more...when I got there, he was not there. I just dropped my kids off to my ex, and the pain is unreal. I feel like nothing in my life will ever be ok again, and that all I have to look forward to is more pain. This so not where I want to be.

Don't you find the waiting is the hardest part about the whole thing? Wondering when and if he will call, what he will say? I suppose this is a lesson in patience for me. I wish you strength and hope and peace. I cannot imagine having to deal with such an awful surprise. I guess keep on remembering that it is not you, this is his journey. I need to do the same. Much Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 7:58pm
Hi Donna,
Wow, you have suffered a lot of losses recently and I can certainly understand why you're hurting so very much. I agree with you that the waiting and the not knowing is the hardest part of this mess. If you knew with certainty how things would turn out, it would at least give you some peace.
I know that it seems like you will never be okay again, but you will. We all will, but we will have to go through the pain to get there. I'm thinking about you and hoping that you will be able to find some comfort.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 9:01am
Hi Donna,
I just wanted to check in with you to see how you're doing (and thanks for the post on my thread, too--I'll reply to that one there). Since this is so fresh for you, I'm sure that your pain is raw. I wish that I could say more to make you feel better, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you. Keep telling yourself that this will get better with time. Not an easy fix, I know. Hang in there.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 5:52pm
Hi Donna,
I think that you and I were posting on my thread at about the same time! I'm glad that you got through today. I wonder when the pain will lessen? It seems so hard right now and even though we know that it will get better, it's hard to see where that point is. Hang in there and keep taking care of yourself.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:21pm
Hi Donna,
I think that you said on another thread that you had an okay day, but I want to make sure that you're getting through the evening alright. I'm sure that you know that this man has to get help for himself before he could be there for you. I think that as women, we want to help everyone and "fix" them and we think that if they would only accept our love, everything would work out okay. Unfortunately, I don't think it ever happens that way. If he did say that he wanted to be with you, you would probably end up resenting him for his alcohol abuse. He will have to make the decision to get help on his own. I know that these things aren't easy to hear, but I bet that I haven't said anything that you don't already know. I hope that I didn't overstep by writing this. You have been such an encouragement to me and I hope that I can help you just a little bit. Post as much as you want, and, as you wrote to me "cry, scream, journal"--do whatever you can to help yourself get through this. I'm thinking about you.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:14pm

HELLOOOO!!!!

Thank you so much. You are right about everything. I was married to a man who drank a lot and had to tiptoe around him the next day so as not to disturb his headache. I realllllllyyyyy do not want to make the same mistake again. There is no overstepping your bounds here. I want to hear and listen to anything at this point that will help me to separate fact from fiction, reality from my desires. I am tending to make Michael into a saint. He is a man. We had a lot of good times, but the last 6 months have been difficult. I was holding on to hope. Thinking I am superwoman. I have not even taken the time to take care of me, much less another able bodied human with a choice of getting help and making things better for himself. I think once we get passed the hurt, our anger will fuel our recovery.

Thank you for being so kind to me in the midst of your own crisis. I am here for you and will continue to send good thoughts and prayer. Hope you get a peaceful sleep and wake up a little better than you did today. Look how far you have come already!!!! Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 7:28am
Good morning Donna,
I hope that you were able to get some good sleep and that you will be able to have an okay day (I don't think I can say a "good" day, because I don't think we're quite to that point yet). You're so right about him being just a man. It's so easy to build someone up into something superhuman. You are on the road to getting better! Keep positive.
Laura